Small Confession
Hi all!
I haven't publicly posted in a while, so I thought I would drop in and say hi. I have been going though a rough patch lately and have been hiding from the world. I struggle with depression, as well as anxiety disorders, which explains my random disappearences on lj and in the outside world as well. When I get caught up in anxiety and depression, I tend to even try to hide from the Lord. It's impossible, I know, but I tend to feel too ashamed and unworthy to have Him in my life.
As much as I try to hide from Him, He is still always there for me. He has helped me come to realize that my main problem is always trying to please the world and everyone else before Him, and when I do this, it is is quite easy for anxiety to take control. Due to my illnesses, or demons, it is easy for me to get distracted and feel that I have nothing to offer Him. The enemy uses my weaknesses to his advantage and I need to learn how quickly call on the name of the Lord and fight against him as soon as I feel him try to take me down again.
I tend to have racing thoughts, which makes it difficult to concentrate on things at times; this includes prayer. I will find myself in the middle of a conversation with the Lord and then all of a a sudden I am thinking and concentrating on 10 other things at the same time that have nothing to do with Him. This needs to stop. I have decided to use my lj to help me with this. I have been posting and will be posting every single day. They will be private posts though. I have decided, that if I find myself in a situation where my thoughts and worries are getting in the way of a real converasation with the Lord, I am going to write Him letters on here instead. The action of writing helps keep me focused and makes sure that I get everything out that I need to bring before the Lord.
I also need to remember that I should never hold anything back. Not only is it impossible to hide anything from Him, but I need to use Kind David as an example, the man after the Lord's own heart, and bring any and everything to Him no matter what. King David was, as we all are, a sinner and made some major mistakes, but he was still someone whom the Lord loved and used as an example for His people. Because of David's dedication to the Lord, in good times and in bad, whether he was having a good day or being taken in by sin, the Lord loved and blessed Him because he understood the importance of personal relationship with the Lord. I need to remember David. I need to remember, that even though he made mistakes, the Lord loved and blessed him because of his dedicated relationship to Him. That is what the Lord wants, for us to come to Him with the good and the bad and everything in between; and if we do that, He blesses us abundantly and, most importantly, we grow spiritually.
Peter is a great example of this as well. He was blessed to live and walk with the Lord in the flesh and listen to His teachings live from the front row. Peter was Jesus' best friend, but he was far from perfect. He even denied the Lord, not once, but three times, and doubted Him when He spoke of His death as well. Yet the Lord loved him and stayed with Him always.
If David and Peter, after denying the Lord, were able to come back to Him and still be loved, then who am I to feel so ashamed of myself that I cannot run to the Lord as well?
I will still be posting public entries and reading those of others, but if there is nothing from me for a while, it is either because I am hiding from the world, or just because I am using lj to write personal letters to the Lord....hopefully, it will always be the latter.
May we all never be afraid or too ashamed to run to the Lord! Amen!
I haven't publicly posted in a while, so I thought I would drop in and say hi. I have been going though a rough patch lately and have been hiding from the world. I struggle with depression, as well as anxiety disorders, which explains my random disappearences on lj and in the outside world as well. When I get caught up in anxiety and depression, I tend to even try to hide from the Lord. It's impossible, I know, but I tend to feel too ashamed and unworthy to have Him in my life.
As much as I try to hide from Him, He is still always there for me. He has helped me come to realize that my main problem is always trying to please the world and everyone else before Him, and when I do this, it is is quite easy for anxiety to take control. Due to my illnesses, or demons, it is easy for me to get distracted and feel that I have nothing to offer Him. The enemy uses my weaknesses to his advantage and I need to learn how quickly call on the name of the Lord and fight against him as soon as I feel him try to take me down again.
I tend to have racing thoughts, which makes it difficult to concentrate on things at times; this includes prayer. I will find myself in the middle of a conversation with the Lord and then all of a a sudden I am thinking and concentrating on 10 other things at the same time that have nothing to do with Him. This needs to stop. I have decided to use my lj to help me with this. I have been posting and will be posting every single day. They will be private posts though. I have decided, that if I find myself in a situation where my thoughts and worries are getting in the way of a real converasation with the Lord, I am going to write Him letters on here instead. The action of writing helps keep me focused and makes sure that I get everything out that I need to bring before the Lord.
I also need to remember that I should never hold anything back. Not only is it impossible to hide anything from Him, but I need to use Kind David as an example, the man after the Lord's own heart, and bring any and everything to Him no matter what. King David was, as we all are, a sinner and made some major mistakes, but he was still someone whom the Lord loved and used as an example for His people. Because of David's dedication to the Lord, in good times and in bad, whether he was having a good day or being taken in by sin, the Lord loved and blessed Him because he understood the importance of personal relationship with the Lord. I need to remember David. I need to remember, that even though he made mistakes, the Lord loved and blessed him because of his dedicated relationship to Him. That is what the Lord wants, for us to come to Him with the good and the bad and everything in between; and if we do that, He blesses us abundantly and, most importantly, we grow spiritually.
Peter is a great example of this as well. He was blessed to live and walk with the Lord in the flesh and listen to His teachings live from the front row. Peter was Jesus' best friend, but he was far from perfect. He even denied the Lord, not once, but three times, and doubted Him when He spoke of His death as well. Yet the Lord loved him and stayed with Him always.
If David and Peter, after denying the Lord, were able to come back to Him and still be loved, then who am I to feel so ashamed of myself that I cannot run to the Lord as well?
I will still be posting public entries and reading those of others, but if there is nothing from me for a while, it is either because I am hiding from the world, or just because I am using lj to write personal letters to the Lord....hopefully, it will always be the latter.
May we all never be afraid or too ashamed to run to the Lord! Amen!
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