(no subject)
KIY- DON'T READ THIS POST. sorry. no, ya know what? i'm not sorry cause this is how i feel. it's real and it SUCKS, but this is me. this is me frustrated with myself.
it's like i'm trapped. i try to update b4 i read my friends page, namely kiy's journal, so i don't get upset when i update my journal. but i still get upset afterwards.
PLEASE FORGIVE ME LORD.
inside, i'm a total disaster. he seems more like a distant memory to me, i guess it helps when i don't really have much contact with him anymore. i view the times i shared with him as precious and just memories or dreams. i still dream about him and it pisses me off cause i wake up. it just gives me false hope to experience him again, even just in dreams. from the bottom of my heart, i am happy that he's happy. with God (i'm ecstatic!! and with his friends. the thing that makes me jealous is that he's happy without me. like completely happy. i find it hard to believe that i'll ever replace his role in my life... i'm probably being a girl here, but i think my friendship has been replaced. this is the sickest i've ever felt about myself. sometimes the jealosy is overwhelming. i hate it, i loathe feeling it, but it won't go away.
i've tried so hard to be strong or stubborn or angry or anything to help. to understand it all so i can move on and live my life. to change myself to cope with it all. to forget how alive and loved he made me feel. electrified, rejuvinated, creative, safe, imaginitive, beautiful. sure i get the same feelings from other people at other times, but it's not the same. and that makes me sad, too.
there's so much that i want to talk to him about, but he doesn't want to hear what i really have to say. and i don't blame him. who wants to hear that my heart is in tatters still and it was all my fault, or that i cry over it at least once every single day.
i pray so much for God to help heal me and help me through this time... because the pain hasn't really subsided very much since the middle of may. i desperately wish i could say that i was healing and i think i'm going to be ok in the near future... but as of now... i just don't know. i need a hug...
"standing so close, knowing that it kills me to breath you in..."
it's like i'm trapped. i try to update b4 i read my friends page, namely kiy's journal, so i don't get upset when i update my journal. but i still get upset afterwards.
PLEASE FORGIVE ME LORD.
inside, i'm a total disaster. he seems more like a distant memory to me, i guess it helps when i don't really have much contact with him anymore. i view the times i shared with him as precious and just memories or dreams. i still dream about him and it pisses me off cause i wake up. it just gives me false hope to experience him again, even just in dreams. from the bottom of my heart, i am happy that he's happy. with God (i'm ecstatic!! and with his friends. the thing that makes me jealous is that he's happy without me. like completely happy. i find it hard to believe that i'll ever replace his role in my life... i'm probably being a girl here, but i think my friendship has been replaced. this is the sickest i've ever felt about myself. sometimes the jealosy is overwhelming. i hate it, i loathe feeling it, but it won't go away.
i've tried so hard to be strong or stubborn or angry or anything to help. to understand it all so i can move on and live my life. to change myself to cope with it all. to forget how alive and loved he made me feel. electrified, rejuvinated, creative, safe, imaginitive, beautiful. sure i get the same feelings from other people at other times, but it's not the same. and that makes me sad, too.
there's so much that i want to talk to him about, but he doesn't want to hear what i really have to say. and i don't blame him. who wants to hear that my heart is in tatters still and it was all my fault, or that i cry over it at least once every single day.
i pray so much for God to help heal me and help me through this time... because the pain hasn't really subsided very much since the middle of may. i desperately wish i could say that i was healing and i think i'm going to be ok in the near future... but as of now... i just don't know. i need a hug...
"standing so close, knowing that it kills me to breath you in..."