Story Revision
Ok, so I re-wrote the story I posted here in order to make it better. It's ten pages long, so if y'all have time, I'd appreciate some sort of feedback. I'm turning it in tomorrow.
With that said, I present to you...
Marie walked down 7th Ave., listening to the “click click click” of her high heel black vinyl boots on the wet pavement. Her dark, chin length hair was shiny in the light of the street lamps. Her tailored leather trench coat was buttoned shut against the slight chill in the air. Blue eyes darting back and forth, watching for signs of danger were the only outward signs of her inner alertness. It was a clear night, and the moon was not quite full. It was three AM, and the streets were empty.
Marie saw a man stagger around the corner, obviously drunk. He was a rather large, somewhat scruffy looking man, wearing blue jeans and a flannel shirt. Marie thought he probably would have been more attractive, had he not been up all night in a bar, drinking and carousing with his buddies. She planned on ignoring him and continuing on her way. This was a very bad night to bother her, and she tried to make that obvious through her body language and expression.
Drunk people don’t pick up on these things very well.
“Hey baby,” he said in a voice gruff from too much alcohol and not enough sleep. “Your real pretty. Hows about you an’ me go back to my place, an’ have a real good time.” The only word Marie could think of to describe what the man was doing was “leering.”
“Leave me alone.”
“Awwww…what’s the matter, hot stuff? Ain’t I your type?” He moved closer to Marie, and pressed his body against hers. He sounded mad.
“I said leave me alone!” Marie quickly stepped away from the man. She was about to get very angry.
“You’re gonna come with me, bitch, whether you like it or not.” With that, the man tried to grab Marie around the waist.
In a flash, Marie reversed the situation, ending with the man’s arms pinned, one to his side, and one behind his back. Her fangs glinted in the light of the streetlamp, dangerously close to his jugular.
Marie was born in 15th century England, the daughter of a duke in the area of Salisbury Plain. Her mother was much younger than her father, and his third wife. The first two had died in childbirth. The duke had thirteen children. Marie was the last.
Her mother caught pneumonia when Marie was barely a year old, and died. The duke passed away a little over a year later, leaving Marie an orphan to be raised by a nurse.
Her oldest brother became duke, and Marie lived in the castle for sixteen years. She was the black sheep of the family, not caring for politics at all. This made her somewhat of an outcast, and led her to a very…interesting life.
Being a very imaginative child, Marie loved creating stories in her head and telling them to the children of the court. She was sitting outside the stables one evening in spring, dreaming up another tale to tell her biggest fans, when her older sister Christine happened by.
“Marie! What are you doing out here by yourself?”
“Thinking. I’ve come up with a wonderful idea for a new story to tell the children. It’s about a little girl who meets a…”
“You spend entirely too much time thinking about those silly stories. The children do love them, but you should not be alone so much. A girl your age should have suitors.”
“Oh, Christine! You keep going on and on about how I should be finding a man to marry. I’ve told you before, I have no interest in the men of the court. They’re all far too boring for my tastes. None of them have a single original thought in their heads. I much prefer the company of my stories than of those oafs.”
Christine sighed, and walked away. Marie knew her sister didn’t approve of her lack of interest in the men of the court, but she didn’t care. She knew that someday she would find the perfect man for her. Little did she know that at that very moment, he was watching her.
Marie was walking in the forest one summer evening towards dusk, alone. She was fully aware of the dangers, but preferred solitude to the company of a bodyguard. This meant that she had to sneak away from the castle without anyone spotting her.
“Halt!” The voice had come from a line of trees to Marie’s right. “Take one step further, and you shall be shot.” An arrow flew inches in front of Marie, burying its point in the ground.
She stood as still as stone, not daring to even glance to her right to see who had shot the arrow. She had been under the impression that her brother had rid these woods of bandits. “I guess he missed a few,” she thought.
Someone came up behind Marie, and knocked her on the back of her head. She lost consciousness.
When she awoke, Marie was lying on a bed, in a room she did not recognize. There was a fire in the fireplace on the left hand wall, and the walls were paneled in dark wood. There were windows, but they were covered in thick, heavy drapes. The bed was large, and soft, and clean. She couldn’t see much other furnishing in the room, other than a large armchair in front of the fireplace. Someone was sitting in it.
“Hello?”
“Oh. So you’re finally awake.” A man’s voice spoke from the armchair. Marie recognized the voice as being that of the man from the woods. “I’ve been waiting all night.” The man stood up.
He was of average height, and thin. His hair was long and golden blonde, and he was dressed in fine clothes. His age appeared to be somewhere in the vicinity of twenty-four. He held a pipe in his left hand.
“Hello, Marie. My name is Nicholas. I’m very pleased to finally meet you.”
“How did you know my name? Why have you brought me here? You can’t hold me prisoner like this!”
“Such an inquisitive girl! I shall answer your questions in order. I know your name because I’ve been observing you for the better part of a year. I’ve brought you here because I want you to be my consort. You’re very beautiful, you know. Finally, you aren’t my prisoner. Fairly soon, you will want to stay with me.”
“You’ve been watching me?”
“Yes. I first saw you on one of your nighttime strolls through the woods. I thought it very strange that a girl of your age was alone in the woods at night, so I followed you back to the castle. Your abnormal behavior intrigued me, so I continued watching you. After a time, I discovered that I had fallen in love with you. It has been many years since I felt that way about anyone. You are so different from all of the other women around here. You are extremely enchanting.”
As Nicholas spoke, he had been approaching the bed on which Marie was now sitting. As he finished his speech, he sat down beside her and caressed the back of her head. Although Marie was frightened and distrustful of this strange man, the gesture was surprisingly warm and genuine. It felt…strangely pleasant.
“You’re even more beautiful close up. Your eyes reveal your intelligence, you know. I like that in a woman. Now, hold still. This will only hurt for a moment.”
With that, the vampire Nicholas sank his fangs into Marie’s neck. The sting lasted only for a second, and then the wonderful feeling of the release of endorphins swept over Marie. She suddenly felt that she could, and would, love this handsome stranger. Thoughts of escape and home immediately left her mind as Nicholas pulled away from her neck and embraced her. There was no turning back.
Nicholas tenderly bandaged Marie’s neck. Over the bandage, he tied a violet scarf. Nicholas explained to Marie that she would soon notice her fangs growing. Soon after, she would feel the need to feed.
He was right. Within a week, Marie had a set of ivory white, needle sharp fangs. She was craving blood.
Nicholas took her to a neighboring village one night to hunt. Her first victim was a young man. They had snuck into his small house in the dark, and Marie attacked him in his sleep. When he struggled, she found that she had become much stronger, and was able to hold him down. As soon as she sank her fangs into the tender flesh of his neck, he went limp. Marie sucked him dry. Her blood lust was satisfied. For now.
However, Marie felt a small pang of remorse at taking the young man’s life. She wondered briefly if he had a family, but immediately pushed the thought from her head. This was her life now. This was how things were going to be from now on. She’d better get used to it.
Nicholas found his own prey in the little village, and they returned home to Nicholas’s secluded mansion in the woods. Marie had many questions.
“Why didn’t that young man turn into a vampire like I did?”
“There is a ceremony that must be performed before a sireing is attempted. I shall teach it to you some day.”
Nicholas went on to explain, “Certain fluids are released during sireing to cause the victim to become a vampire. They also trigger the good feeling you felt when I bit you, so you wouldn’t feel much pain. Those fluids are not present during a normal feeding. However, the victim does become paralyzed, so you can eat without having to fight your food every step of the way.”
Marie and Nicholas lived happily together for many years. They terrorized many a town with their nighttime attacks. Whenever people would start to avoid an area because of them, they would move on to someplace completely different. They traveled the world together over the centuries. Their love for each other was unparalleled.
Marie sometimes wondered what had become of her family. In the seventeenth century, she and Nicholas were once again in the area of Salisbury Plain. Marie returned to her old home, only to find the castle in ruins. There was no indication of what had occurred, only the destroyed buildings.
“Never mind, my love,” said Nicholas. “We are family now.”
“You’re right, dear. They were never really my family, anyway. You are all I need.” With that, Marie turned and walked away, never to look back.
By the mid nineteenth century, Nicholas and Marie had cruelly decimated hundreds of villages together. They had killed thousands of people without a second thought.
At the time, they were living in an old castle somewhere in Eastern Europe. They had recently ravaged a tiny mountain village, and were holed up in their home recovering from the feast. They slept during the day, as is customary for vampires, and did whatever else they wanted to do in the night.
Marie and Nicholas were sleeping wrapped in each other’s arms one day. In her sleep, Marie heard a sound, and woke with a start. She looked up and saw a strange man, holding a sharp wooden stake, standing in their bedroom doorway. She screamed.
Her scream woke Nicholas, who immediately leapt to attack the intruder. There was a struggle, during which Nicholas managed to break one of the vampire hunter’s arms, but not before the hunter had sunk the stake into Nicholas’s chest. The hunter then fled the castle.
Marie ran to Nicholas’s side. “Please don’t be dead…” He was still barely breathing when she got there.
“I must leave you now my love,” he whispered as Marie’s tears fell on his fatal wound. “Always remember me…I…will wait…for you…I…love…”
Nicholas breathed his last breath, and his body turned to dust, as Marie asked, “What am I going to do without you?”
After Nicholas’s death, Marie went very mad. She spent years tracking down his killer. When she finally found the vampire hunter who had murdered her only love, she tore him limb from limb. Marie traveled alone after that. Solitude was once again her favored companion, but she did not enjoy its company this time. She wandered in madness for over one hundred years.
In late twentieth century North America, Marie’s existence changed. She had always thought of herself as a soulless creature. She discovered that she was wrong.
The discovery came one night in a farmhouse in the middle of no place in particular, probably in Canada. The farmer and his wife were asleep, their little girl was dreaming in the next room, and Marie wanted blood. She went after the wife first. Her screams woke the little girl, who came running into the room to see what was the matter.
She was no more than five years old, holding a teddy bear under her arm. Wearing a little pink, frilly nightgown, the girl was the absolute picture of innocence. She looked just like one of Marie’s nieces, who loved the stories Marie told at the castle all those years ago.
“Please don’t hurt my mommy. She’s the only Mommy I’ve got!” Tears were streaming down the little girls face.
Marie felt something inside her stir. Something she had not felt for a very long time. In her mind, she saw two paths ahead of her. One path lead to sin and destruction, the other led to salvation. She knew this was the moment when she had to choose.
She heard Nicholas’s voice, “My darling Marie. We caused so much hurt in our lives. You have the ability to repay our debts. Choose the path of good. Help people. I love you. I miss you…”
“Nicholas! Where are you, Nicholas?”
“I am stuck between life and death, Marie. Only you can help me, my love. I’ll wait for you…”
Snapping back to reality, Marie looked into the eyes of the little girl, begging for her mother’s life. She dropped the mother, and ran from the house.
Marie found herself standing in front of a church. It had been nearly five hundred years since she had set foot in one. She was so distraught and confused, the thought that she might burst into flame if she entered the building did not even occur to her. She went inside. Nothing happened. She entered the confessional. Nothing happened.
“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned…” Marie told the priest her entire life’s story, from the time she lived in the castle, all the way up to when she heard Nicholas’s voice in the farmhouse. Throughout the entire story, which took over an hour, the priest listened silently. Finally, he spoke.
“Certain rare people, when they are sired by a vampire, retain a bit of their soul. You and your Nicholas seem to be of that rare breed. I doubt that Nicholas knew of his condition. At the moment, I believe he is stuck in purgatory. Since you participated heavily in his sins, it is up to you to repair the damage however you can.”
“How do you know this, Father?”
“Let’s just say, I have some experience in these matters.”
Through the confessional screen, Marie thought she saw the priest smile. The two long, sharp fangs glistening in his mouth surprised her.
Marie left the church. She knew what she had to do now. She gave up human blood, and survived on small woodland mammals. Chipmunks were her favorite. Marie decided to go somewhere where she could blend in, and try to help people any way she could. sss
New York City is a good place for a vampire to blend in with the crowd…
Marie whispered in the drunken man’s ear, “I suggest that the next time you get drunk and try to rape a woman, you think about how you came this close,” she scraped her fangs along his neck, “to dying the last time you made that mistake.”
She threw him to the ground. The crotch of his pants was wet, and his eyes were wide with fear. He was whimpering like a puppy that wakes up alone in the kitchen in the middle of the night. Marie put one boot on his chest, none too gently.
“I’ll be watching you…”
Thoughts? Questions? Comments? Suggestions? Did everything make sense?
With that said, I present to you...
Marie walked down 7th Ave., listening to the “click click click” of her high heel black vinyl boots on the wet pavement. Her dark, chin length hair was shiny in the light of the street lamps. Her tailored leather trench coat was buttoned shut against the slight chill in the air. Blue eyes darting back and forth, watching for signs of danger were the only outward signs of her inner alertness. It was a clear night, and the moon was not quite full. It was three AM, and the streets were empty.
Marie saw a man stagger around the corner, obviously drunk. He was a rather large, somewhat scruffy looking man, wearing blue jeans and a flannel shirt. Marie thought he probably would have been more attractive, had he not been up all night in a bar, drinking and carousing with his buddies. She planned on ignoring him and continuing on her way. This was a very bad night to bother her, and she tried to make that obvious through her body language and expression.
Drunk people don’t pick up on these things very well.
“Hey baby,” he said in a voice gruff from too much alcohol and not enough sleep. “Your real pretty. Hows about you an’ me go back to my place, an’ have a real good time.” The only word Marie could think of to describe what the man was doing was “leering.”
“Leave me alone.”
“Awwww…what’s the matter, hot stuff? Ain’t I your type?” He moved closer to Marie, and pressed his body against hers. He sounded mad.
“I said leave me alone!” Marie quickly stepped away from the man. She was about to get very angry.
“You’re gonna come with me, bitch, whether you like it or not.” With that, the man tried to grab Marie around the waist.
In a flash, Marie reversed the situation, ending with the man’s arms pinned, one to his side, and one behind his back. Her fangs glinted in the light of the streetlamp, dangerously close to his jugular.
Marie was born in 15th century England, the daughter of a duke in the area of Salisbury Plain. Her mother was much younger than her father, and his third wife. The first two had died in childbirth. The duke had thirteen children. Marie was the last.
Her mother caught pneumonia when Marie was barely a year old, and died. The duke passed away a little over a year later, leaving Marie an orphan to be raised by a nurse.
Her oldest brother became duke, and Marie lived in the castle for sixteen years. She was the black sheep of the family, not caring for politics at all. This made her somewhat of an outcast, and led her to a very…interesting life.
Being a very imaginative child, Marie loved creating stories in her head and telling them to the children of the court. She was sitting outside the stables one evening in spring, dreaming up another tale to tell her biggest fans, when her older sister Christine happened by.
“Marie! What are you doing out here by yourself?”
“Thinking. I’ve come up with a wonderful idea for a new story to tell the children. It’s about a little girl who meets a…”
“You spend entirely too much time thinking about those silly stories. The children do love them, but you should not be alone so much. A girl your age should have suitors.”
“Oh, Christine! You keep going on and on about how I should be finding a man to marry. I’ve told you before, I have no interest in the men of the court. They’re all far too boring for my tastes. None of them have a single original thought in their heads. I much prefer the company of my stories than of those oafs.”
Christine sighed, and walked away. Marie knew her sister didn’t approve of her lack of interest in the men of the court, but she didn’t care. She knew that someday she would find the perfect man for her. Little did she know that at that very moment, he was watching her.
Marie was walking in the forest one summer evening towards dusk, alone. She was fully aware of the dangers, but preferred solitude to the company of a bodyguard. This meant that she had to sneak away from the castle without anyone spotting her.
“Halt!” The voice had come from a line of trees to Marie’s right. “Take one step further, and you shall be shot.” An arrow flew inches in front of Marie, burying its point in the ground.
She stood as still as stone, not daring to even glance to her right to see who had shot the arrow. She had been under the impression that her brother had rid these woods of bandits. “I guess he missed a few,” she thought.
Someone came up behind Marie, and knocked her on the back of her head. She lost consciousness.
When she awoke, Marie was lying on a bed, in a room she did not recognize. There was a fire in the fireplace on the left hand wall, and the walls were paneled in dark wood. There were windows, but they were covered in thick, heavy drapes. The bed was large, and soft, and clean. She couldn’t see much other furnishing in the room, other than a large armchair in front of the fireplace. Someone was sitting in it.
“Hello?”
“Oh. So you’re finally awake.” A man’s voice spoke from the armchair. Marie recognized the voice as being that of the man from the woods. “I’ve been waiting all night.” The man stood up.
He was of average height, and thin. His hair was long and golden blonde, and he was dressed in fine clothes. His age appeared to be somewhere in the vicinity of twenty-four. He held a pipe in his left hand.
“Hello, Marie. My name is Nicholas. I’m very pleased to finally meet you.”
“How did you know my name? Why have you brought me here? You can’t hold me prisoner like this!”
“Such an inquisitive girl! I shall answer your questions in order. I know your name because I’ve been observing you for the better part of a year. I’ve brought you here because I want you to be my consort. You’re very beautiful, you know. Finally, you aren’t my prisoner. Fairly soon, you will want to stay with me.”
“You’ve been watching me?”
“Yes. I first saw you on one of your nighttime strolls through the woods. I thought it very strange that a girl of your age was alone in the woods at night, so I followed you back to the castle. Your abnormal behavior intrigued me, so I continued watching you. After a time, I discovered that I had fallen in love with you. It has been many years since I felt that way about anyone. You are so different from all of the other women around here. You are extremely enchanting.”
As Nicholas spoke, he had been approaching the bed on which Marie was now sitting. As he finished his speech, he sat down beside her and caressed the back of her head. Although Marie was frightened and distrustful of this strange man, the gesture was surprisingly warm and genuine. It felt…strangely pleasant.
“You’re even more beautiful close up. Your eyes reveal your intelligence, you know. I like that in a woman. Now, hold still. This will only hurt for a moment.”
With that, the vampire Nicholas sank his fangs into Marie’s neck. The sting lasted only for a second, and then the wonderful feeling of the release of endorphins swept over Marie. She suddenly felt that she could, and would, love this handsome stranger. Thoughts of escape and home immediately left her mind as Nicholas pulled away from her neck and embraced her. There was no turning back.
Nicholas tenderly bandaged Marie’s neck. Over the bandage, he tied a violet scarf. Nicholas explained to Marie that she would soon notice her fangs growing. Soon after, she would feel the need to feed.
He was right. Within a week, Marie had a set of ivory white, needle sharp fangs. She was craving blood.
Nicholas took her to a neighboring village one night to hunt. Her first victim was a young man. They had snuck into his small house in the dark, and Marie attacked him in his sleep. When he struggled, she found that she had become much stronger, and was able to hold him down. As soon as she sank her fangs into the tender flesh of his neck, he went limp. Marie sucked him dry. Her blood lust was satisfied. For now.
However, Marie felt a small pang of remorse at taking the young man’s life. She wondered briefly if he had a family, but immediately pushed the thought from her head. This was her life now. This was how things were going to be from now on. She’d better get used to it.
Nicholas found his own prey in the little village, and they returned home to Nicholas’s secluded mansion in the woods. Marie had many questions.
“Why didn’t that young man turn into a vampire like I did?”
“There is a ceremony that must be performed before a sireing is attempted. I shall teach it to you some day.”
Nicholas went on to explain, “Certain fluids are released during sireing to cause the victim to become a vampire. They also trigger the good feeling you felt when I bit you, so you wouldn’t feel much pain. Those fluids are not present during a normal feeding. However, the victim does become paralyzed, so you can eat without having to fight your food every step of the way.”
Marie and Nicholas lived happily together for many years. They terrorized many a town with their nighttime attacks. Whenever people would start to avoid an area because of them, they would move on to someplace completely different. They traveled the world together over the centuries. Their love for each other was unparalleled.
Marie sometimes wondered what had become of her family. In the seventeenth century, she and Nicholas were once again in the area of Salisbury Plain. Marie returned to her old home, only to find the castle in ruins. There was no indication of what had occurred, only the destroyed buildings.
“Never mind, my love,” said Nicholas. “We are family now.”
“You’re right, dear. They were never really my family, anyway. You are all I need.” With that, Marie turned and walked away, never to look back.
By the mid nineteenth century, Nicholas and Marie had cruelly decimated hundreds of villages together. They had killed thousands of people without a second thought.
At the time, they were living in an old castle somewhere in Eastern Europe. They had recently ravaged a tiny mountain village, and were holed up in their home recovering from the feast. They slept during the day, as is customary for vampires, and did whatever else they wanted to do in the night.
Marie and Nicholas were sleeping wrapped in each other’s arms one day. In her sleep, Marie heard a sound, and woke with a start. She looked up and saw a strange man, holding a sharp wooden stake, standing in their bedroom doorway. She screamed.
Her scream woke Nicholas, who immediately leapt to attack the intruder. There was a struggle, during which Nicholas managed to break one of the vampire hunter’s arms, but not before the hunter had sunk the stake into Nicholas’s chest. The hunter then fled the castle.
Marie ran to Nicholas’s side. “Please don’t be dead…” He was still barely breathing when she got there.
“I must leave you now my love,” he whispered as Marie’s tears fell on his fatal wound. “Always remember me…I…will wait…for you…I…love…”
Nicholas breathed his last breath, and his body turned to dust, as Marie asked, “What am I going to do without you?”
After Nicholas’s death, Marie went very mad. She spent years tracking down his killer. When she finally found the vampire hunter who had murdered her only love, she tore him limb from limb. Marie traveled alone after that. Solitude was once again her favored companion, but she did not enjoy its company this time. She wandered in madness for over one hundred years.
In late twentieth century North America, Marie’s existence changed. She had always thought of herself as a soulless creature. She discovered that she was wrong.
The discovery came one night in a farmhouse in the middle of no place in particular, probably in Canada. The farmer and his wife were asleep, their little girl was dreaming in the next room, and Marie wanted blood. She went after the wife first. Her screams woke the little girl, who came running into the room to see what was the matter.
She was no more than five years old, holding a teddy bear under her arm. Wearing a little pink, frilly nightgown, the girl was the absolute picture of innocence. She looked just like one of Marie’s nieces, who loved the stories Marie told at the castle all those years ago.
“Please don’t hurt my mommy. She’s the only Mommy I’ve got!” Tears were streaming down the little girls face.
Marie felt something inside her stir. Something she had not felt for a very long time. In her mind, she saw two paths ahead of her. One path lead to sin and destruction, the other led to salvation. She knew this was the moment when she had to choose.
She heard Nicholas’s voice, “My darling Marie. We caused so much hurt in our lives. You have the ability to repay our debts. Choose the path of good. Help people. I love you. I miss you…”
“Nicholas! Where are you, Nicholas?”
“I am stuck between life and death, Marie. Only you can help me, my love. I’ll wait for you…”
Snapping back to reality, Marie looked into the eyes of the little girl, begging for her mother’s life. She dropped the mother, and ran from the house.
Marie found herself standing in front of a church. It had been nearly five hundred years since she had set foot in one. She was so distraught and confused, the thought that she might burst into flame if she entered the building did not even occur to her. She went inside. Nothing happened. She entered the confessional. Nothing happened.
“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned…” Marie told the priest her entire life’s story, from the time she lived in the castle, all the way up to when she heard Nicholas’s voice in the farmhouse. Throughout the entire story, which took over an hour, the priest listened silently. Finally, he spoke.
“Certain rare people, when they are sired by a vampire, retain a bit of their soul. You and your Nicholas seem to be of that rare breed. I doubt that Nicholas knew of his condition. At the moment, I believe he is stuck in purgatory. Since you participated heavily in his sins, it is up to you to repair the damage however you can.”
“How do you know this, Father?”
“Let’s just say, I have some experience in these matters.”
Through the confessional screen, Marie thought she saw the priest smile. The two long, sharp fangs glistening in his mouth surprised her.
Marie left the church. She knew what she had to do now. She gave up human blood, and survived on small woodland mammals. Chipmunks were her favorite. Marie decided to go somewhere where she could blend in, and try to help people any way she could. sss
New York City is a good place for a vampire to blend in with the crowd…
Marie whispered in the drunken man’s ear, “I suggest that the next time you get drunk and try to rape a woman, you think about how you came this close,” she scraped her fangs along his neck, “to dying the last time you made that mistake.”
She threw him to the ground. The crotch of his pants was wet, and his eyes were wide with fear. He was whimpering like a puppy that wakes up alone in the kitchen in the middle of the night. Marie put one boot on his chest, none too gently.
“I’ll be watching you…”
Thoughts? Questions? Comments? Suggestions? Did everything make sense?