Update
Hi.
I suppose it’s about time that I update. I haven’t in the longest while, or so it seems.
Today I woke actually got out of bed around 1 p.m. and am now exhausted. It’s been a while since I’ve moved from this position; sitting here on the desk chair, but it seems that my movement truly does not matter. It’s all due to this fucking pain I’ve been feeling since… the end of September. When I finally speak up, it’s too late. It doesn’t matter anymore, for it can’t be helped. Since I promised someone that I would stop taking pills for it, I find it even harder to bear. From this, I decided to start distracting myself with other substances / items that could take my mind off the aching. I tried running, sleeping, reading, spending time with people / other hobbies.. But none of them seemed to accomplish what I wished they would. Pain just grew stronger and the pills just looked more appealing. Oh Lord, just punish me for breaking a promise. >>grumbles<< I know that I deserve it, anyway. ..The biggest problem was that reading a book,the one I chose, almost made me want to do heroin. That's great, isn't it?
I cannot honestly say that I’ve always followed my promises. I try; truly I do. But that doesn’t seem to do me justice right now. With the people I love all around me, and the Holidays coming so rapidly, I try to find a way to hide what is so necessary to be hidden. For if some find out, there will not be any Holidays for me. It’s just a plan, a game. One that I’m easily manipulated in and easily won over.
After yesterday, I am semi-relieved. Some Christmas gifts are taken care of, while others linger in the back of my mind.. Can you say annoying? It’s extremely difficult, however, to buy gifts for someone when you are almost to the point of dispising them. I would normally appologize for this type of thought and behavior, but I’ve realized “I’m Sorry” has just become the phrase I use most often. To be brutally honest, it’s become more of just a word, one word, that I use every day. “imsorry” And that’s that.
Along with this, nausia is sweeping over me like the plague. Nothing much to recite here, except my thoughts and expression of myself. Can’t take it anymore? Fuck off. Yeah, you heard me. Just fuck off. This nostalgic feeling doesn’t seem to go away, and nor does the thought of being deceived. Last night Jenn was at Greg’s house.. And I found out a lot of things. No, I’m not upset that they played the “Strip Dart” game. Heck, they changed the rules to make sure everything was alright and they were guarding themselves and my feelings. Yes, I love him. But here, let me tell you something, if I’m not freaking out - neither should you.
“It’s only looking, not touching.”
Right?
Along with ... the hypocritical nonsence.. over drinking.. Yeah okay.
My mother bought a 10’ tree the yesterday, and decorated it without me. Doesn’t seem to be very festive around here. After all, no one is together and no one really knows what is going on in the other’s life anyway.
One might ask me what I’ve done today, despite the Psych worksheets that didn’t take too long. Well, I looked up my problem. I’ve found that I dislike speaking about it, and no longer wish to. On Friday I let someone know what it truly is, and now they assure me nothing will change and there should be no fear attributed with it. “It will never go away.. It will be with you always.” Well, yes damnit. I understand that. That doesn’t mean slowly they and others will distance themselves away from me.. I mean, I’d want to get as far away as possible from myself if I were friends with.. Me..
Anyways, I feel that I’ve blabbed on and on enough to keep your thoughts running through your head at rapid paces. Please do respond to this, even if it’s just so I know you read this entry. Support would be highly appreciated.
…Even if it’s thinspirational support.
Thanks.
Just like they said..
There would come a time
When I'd realize..
I'm just..
Too desperate to breathe
Cause I get this craving
There's no time to waste gotta get a taste
Satisfy my need
Baby, won't you save me
Got this craving for you..
It's like you live in these walls.
I hear your voice down the hall.
I swear I see your face it's everywhere; it's every place.
I start myself past the pain, but still it won't go away...
The more I try to forget.. I remember.
I won't let it get to me.. I still have all my trust in you