fst Track Explanations Part I
By request, I'm going to attempt to explain why I chose all of those songs on the fst. So here goes.
Keep in mind that the characters and situations I'm discussing are all part of an RP community, so they're definitely NOT canon and they're all based on someone's interpretation of them. In this case, I write Yukito, so...
All right first things first: all the songs are angsty. Let's just get that out of the way. t_d!Yukito isn't a happy camper right now, and underneath all of it he's still missing Touya terribly.
Click on the song titles to go to a page with the lyrics. Sorry, all of them are off LJ, so you might get pop-ups or have to hit your back button.
1. Waiting for the World to Fall by Jars of Clay
I picked this song at the suggestion of oishii_umiko. When reading the lyrics, there were a couple parts that stood out in particular to me.
I close my eyes and try to see the world unbroken underneath
The farther off and already it just might make the life I lead
A little more than make-believe when all my skies are painted blue
And the clouds don't ever change the shape of who I am to You
Yukito's definitely still wishing things were "unbroken," and feeling like the life he once had is nothing but "make-believe." He's questioning whether or not he ever knew Touya the way he thought he did, or if Touya ever really loved him: whether or not everything was just in his mind. The imagery of eternally blue skies was just too perfect, because when I think of T/Y I think of happy fluffy love, not sad angst. And then the bit with the clouds always retaining their shape... beautiful. Yukito knows life (like clouds) is fleeting and ever-changing, but he never thought that things would change like this between him and Touya.
I'm waiting for the world to fall
I'm waiting for the scene to change
I'm waiting when the colors come
I'm waiting to let my world come undone
And then the chorus. Really, I thought this was perfect for the opening track, because at the beginning Yukito knows things are going to get ugly, but he doesn't know what to do about it. And in the end, there's really nothing he can do (or so he feels, at least), and so in the end he's just waiting for everything to come down.
2. Think Twice by Celine Dion
The title pretty much said it all for me. If I were Yukito (and I am, sort of), I'd be begging Touya to stay. At the moment that Touya's going to tell Yukito it's over, wouldn't you think Yukito would be wanting to say this to him? Even if he doesn't/didn't, he's always thinking it.
Don't think I can't feel that there's something wrong
You've been the sweetest part of my life so long
I look in your eyes, there's a distant light
And you and I know there'll be a storm tonight
There were just so many parts of this verse alone that I loved. First, Yukito does know something is wrong; he can sense it as early as right after the London trip (when Touya slept with Kaho), and Yue suspects during the London trip. Second, Touya's always been the world to Yukito (all right, we can have the food argument elsewhere). "Distant light" refers to Kaho, though whether it's Kaho, her baby, or London is up to interpretation. And then there's the whole idea that Yukito knows it's going to eventually explode into something ugly.
Don't say what you're about to say
Look back before you leave my life
Be sure before you close that door
Before you roll those dice
Baby think twice
And again, the chorus. Even if Yukito doesn't have the heart to say it, he's probably always thinking it and always wishing that he could have kept Touya.
3. We Belong Together by Mariah Carey
I admit, there are a couple of lines which are probably not entirely suited to Yukito, but that's okay. I felt like the majority of the song was applicable.
I should have held on tight
I never should have let you go
I didn’t know nothing,
I was stupid, I was foolish
I was lying to myself
I couldn’t have fathomed
I would ever be without your love
Never imagined I’d be sitting
Here beside myself
Guess I didn’t know you
Guess I didn’t know me
Where to start... Okay, so Yukito's probably always going to regret that he didn't demand that Touya stay. Yuki loves and adores Touya, which is why he let him go in the first place, really. (During their fight after Yukito discovers that Kaho's pregnant, Touya asks Yukito for answers about what he should do, and Yukito says he can't give him answers. After that, Touya waits for awhile, sends him an email, and that's the end of it.) Yukito definitely feels both stupid and foolish for letting things go so far, even though most people have reassured him that there was nothing he could do. And he spends a long time lying to himself about what was happening between him and Touya... and then lying to himself after that, thinking that Touya would ever come back. Given Yukito's character, I think it's fair to say that he never would have imagined that Touya would leave him. Which just proves that he apparently never really knew what Touya felt. -tear-
There are several other parts of the song that I liked, but the line, "When you left I lost a part of me" was just perfect. I've always imagined that the two share a very close bond, and that Yukito, who is beyond devoted to Touya, would feel empty without Touya. Plus there's that little bit about Touya giving his magic to Yukito, thus "linking" the two forever.
I'm not going to quote it, but there's a verse about hearing sad songs on the radio that hit too close to home, and Yukito had a couple instances of that right around Christmas (and his birthday).
4. Here With Me by Dido
In a sense, I guess I picked this song more for the mood it brought than anything else. While listening, I always felt a kind of melancholy desperation, and it was this feeling I was drawn to.
Lyrics-wise, here are a couple lines I found applicable.
I don’t want to move a thing
It might change my memory
I don’t want to call my friends
They might wake me from this dream
And I can’t leave this bed
Risk forgetting all that’s been
In both excerpts there's a line about forgetting what's been; that's exactly what Yukito is trying to avoid. As much as he probably knows he should move on, he can't because he's still in love with Touya. He's clinging to whatever happy memories he still has, because that's all he has left of his relationship with Touya.
Furthermore, Yukito's been avoiding everyone related to Touya, namely Sakura and Fujitaka. It's a complicated situation, because they're both being supportive of Touya and Kaho, so he feels like he should stay away. He's also no longer really bound to them anymore, and he thinks it would be awkward and saddening to act like he still belongs to their family. So he's been avoiding them, because he feels like the next time he sees them he'll have to admit to himself and everyone else that it hurts to see them. It would signify an end in a stage of his life--an end that he's not ready for.
5. Blind by Lifehouse
when my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go
I would fall asleep
only in hopes of dreaming
that everything would be like it was before
but nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
they disappear as reality is crashing to the floor
Yes, I know, I'm getting repetitive, but bear with me. I think I've been over all this before, but there's the part about Yukito not being able to convince Touya of how much he loved him, the fact that everything is how it was only in dreams, and that slowly but surely reality is taking over, and eventually Yukito's going to have to face the pain.
6. Easy to Ignore by Sixpence None the Richer
This song is really short and really simple, and again I chose it more for the mood than anything else. There's a little night and moon symbolism, which is beautiful, but these lines are the ones that stuck.
Night breaks. My heart could not ache anymore.
Am I that easy to ignore?
Given the meaning of Yukito's name and Yue's position, it seems to me that night would be their domain. Night should be a good time for them, a time they can control and revel in. Thus, when night breaks and everything is still beyond Yukito's control, there's a kind of sadness in that. Also, for Yukito night and dreams are supposed to be a kind of escape from reality. He really couldn't be hurt any more than by Touya's leaving, and in the end, I at least feel like Touya ignored Yukito. Six years of "love," and all of a sudden Touya's gone? That's where the last line struck me: is love like Yukito's so easy to pass on? Is it so easy to transfer love? Is it that easy to ignore someone who loves you?
7. Between by Vienna Teng
Once I figured out what the hell she was saying, I fell in love with the song. There are two or three songs on here that I think are just perfect, and this is one of them.
we are not together here
though we lie entwined
to make room for the other presence
we both draw back in our minds
So perfect. For a long while Touya and Yukito are physically together, physically living together, but their minds are miles apart. It starts with a silent withdrawal, with both Touya and Yukito retreating into silence for completely different reasons. Touya seems caught up in guilt and confusion, while Yukito backs off because Touya won't talk to him, and he thinks that it's best to leave Touya be. And, even if Yukito doesn't know it yet, he's just making room for the "other presence" that Touya is thinking about.
there once was a time I was sure of the bond
when my hands and my tongue and my thoughts were enough
we are the same but our lives move along
and the third one between replaces what once was love
Every time I sing the chorus now (much to my roommate's horror; I'm probably more tone-deaf than she is) I want to cry. It's so beautiful. Because indeed, there once was a time when Yukito thought that words weren't necessary, when what he did conveyed better than anything else what he felt and how much he loved Touya. Turns out those weren't enough, though no one knows yet what would have been enough. The rest of the lyrics simply speak for themselves.
freedom is being alone
I fear liberation
Last bit, I promise. I love this. The entire concept that when someone lets you go you are alone, and that most of us never want that. Ever. We never want to feel alone and abandoned and unwanted. Some of us would rather be "imprisoned" than to be alone, and Yukito toys with this idea every so often. That he would rather have never found out (it was him, actually, that semi-confronted Touya about Kaho when he saw an accidentally public post about her being pregnant) and that they could have just gone along, and he would never have said anything. Obviously, that wouldn't work for practical reasons, but he entertains the idea in hindsight nevertheless.
8. The Water is Wide by Connie Dover
Many, many thanks to ayasugi_san for pointing me in the direction of this song. It's absolutely beautiful.
I leaned my back against an oak,
Thinking it was a mighty tree,
But first it bent, and then it broke
Just as my love proved false to me
Yukito definitely thought that the bond he and Touya shared was stronger than that. I suppose you could see it as the relationship undergoing strain (bending) when Yue went to sleep and took Yukito with him, and then there was the breaking point. In any case, I loved the comparison to the thought that it was a "mighty tree" and how the love "proved false," because I think that's essentially what happened.
But not so deep as the love I’m in
I know not if I sink or swim
Yukito now has to deal with whether or not his love for Touya was ever healthy: whether or not he was always swimming or just slowly sinking. Perhaps he loved Touya too much. I'd hate to think this, but right now it seems like Yukito loves someone who doesn't deserve his affection. But in any case, the confusion and ambiguity of sinking or swimming in love is fitting.
But when it’s old, it grows so cold
And fades away like morning dew
Apparently, this is also what happened. Yukito and Touya were together for nearly seven years. Who knows why Touya did what he did, but clearly Yukito was no longer worth his time and love. Perhaps they were just together for too long, and their love did "grow cold." But even if Yukito (and his writer) don't think that's the case, it most certainly has faded away, leaving poor Yukito lost and empty.
And THAT'S the end of part one. -dusts off hands-
Keep in mind that the characters and situations I'm discussing are all part of an RP community, so they're definitely NOT canon and they're all based on someone's interpretation of them. In this case, I write Yukito, so...
All right first things first: all the songs are angsty. Let's just get that out of the way. t_d!Yukito isn't a happy camper right now, and underneath all of it he's still missing Touya terribly.
Click on the song titles to go to a page with the lyrics. Sorry, all of them are off LJ, so you might get pop-ups or have to hit your back button.
1. Waiting for the World to Fall by Jars of Clay
I picked this song at the suggestion of oishii_umiko. When reading the lyrics, there were a couple parts that stood out in particular to me.
I close my eyes and try to see the world unbroken underneath
The farther off and already it just might make the life I lead
A little more than make-believe when all my skies are painted blue
And the clouds don't ever change the shape of who I am to You
Yukito's definitely still wishing things were "unbroken," and feeling like the life he once had is nothing but "make-believe." He's questioning whether or not he ever knew Touya the way he thought he did, or if Touya ever really loved him: whether or not everything was just in his mind. The imagery of eternally blue skies was just too perfect, because when I think of T/Y I think of happy fluffy love, not sad angst. And then the bit with the clouds always retaining their shape... beautiful. Yukito knows life (like clouds) is fleeting and ever-changing, but he never thought that things would change like this between him and Touya.
I'm waiting for the world to fall
I'm waiting for the scene to change
I'm waiting when the colors come
I'm waiting to let my world come undone
And then the chorus. Really, I thought this was perfect for the opening track, because at the beginning Yukito knows things are going to get ugly, but he doesn't know what to do about it. And in the end, there's really nothing he can do (or so he feels, at least), and so in the end he's just waiting for everything to come down.
2. Think Twice by Celine Dion
The title pretty much said it all for me. If I were Yukito (and I am, sort of), I'd be begging Touya to stay. At the moment that Touya's going to tell Yukito it's over, wouldn't you think Yukito would be wanting to say this to him? Even if he doesn't/didn't, he's always thinking it.
Don't think I can't feel that there's something wrong
You've been the sweetest part of my life so long
I look in your eyes, there's a distant light
And you and I know there'll be a storm tonight
There were just so many parts of this verse alone that I loved. First, Yukito does know something is wrong; he can sense it as early as right after the London trip (when Touya slept with Kaho), and Yue suspects during the London trip. Second, Touya's always been the world to Yukito (all right, we can have the food argument elsewhere). "Distant light" refers to Kaho, though whether it's Kaho, her baby, or London is up to interpretation. And then there's the whole idea that Yukito knows it's going to eventually explode into something ugly.
Don't say what you're about to say
Look back before you leave my life
Be sure before you close that door
Before you roll those dice
Baby think twice
And again, the chorus. Even if Yukito doesn't have the heart to say it, he's probably always thinking it and always wishing that he could have kept Touya.
3. We Belong Together by Mariah Carey
I admit, there are a couple of lines which are probably not entirely suited to Yukito, but that's okay. I felt like the majority of the song was applicable.
I should have held on tight
I never should have let you go
I didn’t know nothing,
I was stupid, I was foolish
I was lying to myself
I couldn’t have fathomed
I would ever be without your love
Never imagined I’d be sitting
Here beside myself
Guess I didn’t know you
Guess I didn’t know me
Where to start... Okay, so Yukito's probably always going to regret that he didn't demand that Touya stay. Yuki loves and adores Touya, which is why he let him go in the first place, really. (During their fight after Yukito discovers that Kaho's pregnant, Touya asks Yukito for answers about what he should do, and Yukito says he can't give him answers. After that, Touya waits for awhile, sends him an email, and that's the end of it.) Yukito definitely feels both stupid and foolish for letting things go so far, even though most people have reassured him that there was nothing he could do. And he spends a long time lying to himself about what was happening between him and Touya... and then lying to himself after that, thinking that Touya would ever come back. Given Yukito's character, I think it's fair to say that he never would have imagined that Touya would leave him. Which just proves that he apparently never really knew what Touya felt. -tear-
There are several other parts of the song that I liked, but the line, "When you left I lost a part of me" was just perfect. I've always imagined that the two share a very close bond, and that Yukito, who is beyond devoted to Touya, would feel empty without Touya. Plus there's that little bit about Touya giving his magic to Yukito, thus "linking" the two forever.
I'm not going to quote it, but there's a verse about hearing sad songs on the radio that hit too close to home, and Yukito had a couple instances of that right around Christmas (and his birthday).
4. Here With Me by Dido
In a sense, I guess I picked this song more for the mood it brought than anything else. While listening, I always felt a kind of melancholy desperation, and it was this feeling I was drawn to.
Lyrics-wise, here are a couple lines I found applicable.
I don’t want to move a thing
It might change my memory
I don’t want to call my friends
They might wake me from this dream
And I can’t leave this bed
Risk forgetting all that’s been
In both excerpts there's a line about forgetting what's been; that's exactly what Yukito is trying to avoid. As much as he probably knows he should move on, he can't because he's still in love with Touya. He's clinging to whatever happy memories he still has, because that's all he has left of his relationship with Touya.
Furthermore, Yukito's been avoiding everyone related to Touya, namely Sakura and Fujitaka. It's a complicated situation, because they're both being supportive of Touya and Kaho, so he feels like he should stay away. He's also no longer really bound to them anymore, and he thinks it would be awkward and saddening to act like he still belongs to their family. So he's been avoiding them, because he feels like the next time he sees them he'll have to admit to himself and everyone else that it hurts to see them. It would signify an end in a stage of his life--an end that he's not ready for.
5. Blind by Lifehouse
when my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go
I would fall asleep
only in hopes of dreaming
that everything would be like it was before
but nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
they disappear as reality is crashing to the floor
Yes, I know, I'm getting repetitive, but bear with me. I think I've been over all this before, but there's the part about Yukito not being able to convince Touya of how much he loved him, the fact that everything is how it was only in dreams, and that slowly but surely reality is taking over, and eventually Yukito's going to have to face the pain.
6. Easy to Ignore by Sixpence None the Richer
This song is really short and really simple, and again I chose it more for the mood than anything else. There's a little night and moon symbolism, which is beautiful, but these lines are the ones that stuck.
Night breaks. My heart could not ache anymore.
Am I that easy to ignore?
Given the meaning of Yukito's name and Yue's position, it seems to me that night would be their domain. Night should be a good time for them, a time they can control and revel in. Thus, when night breaks and everything is still beyond Yukito's control, there's a kind of sadness in that. Also, for Yukito night and dreams are supposed to be a kind of escape from reality. He really couldn't be hurt any more than by Touya's leaving, and in the end, I at least feel like Touya ignored Yukito. Six years of "love," and all of a sudden Touya's gone? That's where the last line struck me: is love like Yukito's so easy to pass on? Is it so easy to transfer love? Is it that easy to ignore someone who loves you?
7. Between by Vienna Teng
Once I figured out what the hell she was saying, I fell in love with the song. There are two or three songs on here that I think are just perfect, and this is one of them.
we are not together here
though we lie entwined
to make room for the other presence
we both draw back in our minds
So perfect. For a long while Touya and Yukito are physically together, physically living together, but their minds are miles apart. It starts with a silent withdrawal, with both Touya and Yukito retreating into silence for completely different reasons. Touya seems caught up in guilt and confusion, while Yukito backs off because Touya won't talk to him, and he thinks that it's best to leave Touya be. And, even if Yukito doesn't know it yet, he's just making room for the "other presence" that Touya is thinking about.
there once was a time I was sure of the bond
when my hands and my tongue and my thoughts were enough
we are the same but our lives move along
and the third one between replaces what once was love
Every time I sing the chorus now (much to my roommate's horror; I'm probably more tone-deaf than she is) I want to cry. It's so beautiful. Because indeed, there once was a time when Yukito thought that words weren't necessary, when what he did conveyed better than anything else what he felt and how much he loved Touya. Turns out those weren't enough, though no one knows yet what would have been enough. The rest of the lyrics simply speak for themselves.
freedom is being alone
I fear liberation
Last bit, I promise. I love this. The entire concept that when someone lets you go you are alone, and that most of us never want that. Ever. We never want to feel alone and abandoned and unwanted. Some of us would rather be "imprisoned" than to be alone, and Yukito toys with this idea every so often. That he would rather have never found out (it was him, actually, that semi-confronted Touya about Kaho when he saw an accidentally public post about her being pregnant) and that they could have just gone along, and he would never have said anything. Obviously, that wouldn't work for practical reasons, but he entertains the idea in hindsight nevertheless.
8. The Water is Wide by Connie Dover
Many, many thanks to ayasugi_san for pointing me in the direction of this song. It's absolutely beautiful.
I leaned my back against an oak,
Thinking it was a mighty tree,
But first it bent, and then it broke
Just as my love proved false to me
Yukito definitely thought that the bond he and Touya shared was stronger than that. I suppose you could see it as the relationship undergoing strain (bending) when Yue went to sleep and took Yukito with him, and then there was the breaking point. In any case, I loved the comparison to the thought that it was a "mighty tree" and how the love "proved false," because I think that's essentially what happened.
But not so deep as the love I’m in
I know not if I sink or swim
Yukito now has to deal with whether or not his love for Touya was ever healthy: whether or not he was always swimming or just slowly sinking. Perhaps he loved Touya too much. I'd hate to think this, but right now it seems like Yukito loves someone who doesn't deserve his affection. But in any case, the confusion and ambiguity of sinking or swimming in love is fitting.
But when it’s old, it grows so cold
And fades away like morning dew
Apparently, this is also what happened. Yukito and Touya were together for nearly seven years. Who knows why Touya did what he did, but clearly Yukito was no longer worth his time and love. Perhaps they were just together for too long, and their love did "grow cold." But even if Yukito (and his writer) don't think that's the case, it most certainly has faded away, leaving poor Yukito lost and empty.
And THAT'S the end of part one. -dusts off hands-