Apr 10, 2006 14:43
I don't know what to do with my life anymore.
I mean, I guess I figured out the school thing, at least for now. I can push through another year and a half, finish three majors and move on. I can. Or at least if I keep telling myself that then I'll get through it... hopefully without losing my sanity. I have no idea what I'm doing after that. I tell myself I should just stay and get my credential. Honestly, that would be the easiest course of action, and I'd never be academically challenged at all. I don't know if that's what I want. However, when I think about grad school I don't know if I could stick to it long enough to write a thesis. I know I shouldn't complain, school has never been hard for me, but it's just deciding what to do that gets me worried. I could go to Japan to teach English, it's just an extension of what I do now for the ALI anyway, but I'm not sure I could do that either. In some ways I think it's just the overwhelming pressure of finding out what I want to do for the rest of my life. Can I handle high school kids? Am I prepared to give up theatre? Could I live in another country for any length of time?
Whatever, now that I've decided to finish all three majors I know that I have a while to think about all of that. As far as theatre is concerned I have no idea what I'm doing. Now that I've gotten a couple paid crew things, I rather like it, but I want some more experience before I apply for internship type deals. I love stage management and I see myself doing it for a while, but with the class load I have I don't know if it would work. I'd love to do a show next semester but I'll already be taking 2 units over the maximum 18. Just another little thing to worry about.
My personal life is...
Well, most of the time I don't really want to talk about it. I love my room mate and I hate the fact that she's so disgustingly normal without realizing it. In some ways I think she's awesome and in others I really worry about how she's going to deal with the real world and the fact that not everyone is going to agree with her all the time. She had a fit when Jenn, Kelly and I made fun of her sorority. It's a sorority. Well, it actually seems more like a cult in that it seems that all of their events and everything they do circles around getting new members. It drives me nuts that she's so mindlessly devoted to it while she complains to me about half of the girls and the silly politics they have amongst themselves. She keeps trying to convince me to go to these things and tells me that it's really great when half the time she calls to say that she can't make it because she'd rather stay home and watch TV. It boggles my mind that she complains about me not having a social life when she's the one that spends all her time watching movies in the dorms. Every time I've tried to convince her to go out with me she turns me down. Sometimes I think it's because of Martin, but mainly I think it's because she convinces herself she has a social life through her sorority but then closes herself off to all other possibilities.
Not to mention the fact that she thinks that all Martin and I care about is sex. Now, I know that I probably know more about it than most people my age and I do try to keep up with the industry and medicine and such, but that isn't what my life is about. I support the Vagina Monologues because I think it's a wonderful and meaningful message that more people need to hear. I keep up with the adult industry because I think it's important for people, women in particular, to develop better understandings of their sexuality, their bodies, and themselves. Sure, I think that involves things that others might consider "kinky" or "wrong" but I'm prepared to deal with the people who have damned me to hell and called me pagan and a slut. I just wish that my own roomie wouldn't be so quick to judge when she has no experience in the matter.
I like sex. It's not such a horrid thing to like. I just wish that she would stop treating my boyfriend and I like child molesters. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I told her about everything: about what I've done and what I haven't, about the whole abuse/molestation thing when I was younger, about the issues I've had to work through. I wonder if that would give justification for her behavior or if it would get her to stop acting like a five year old.
Sorry, sometimes I just need to vent. I should be grateful in that at least she's better than Laura. Martin laughs at me because in many ways Jenn was better than Carla. I can live with someone who is messy, but the whole "eww, sex is icky" thing seems a bit more serious.
Eh, live and learn.