"i got lost in my darkness and the light hurts my eyes..."
camping was awesome. really really awesome. it is such a great feeling to be able to get up in the morning and do absolutely nothing all day and then go to bed and do it all over again the next day. for a week.
i'll talk more about the camping later, when i'm in a better mood.
so we had a nice long week of relaxation. naturally, the drama starts the minute we come home. ryan has baby mama drama. like right away, as soon as his phone got a signal while we were still driving home. then chris and i start fighting on saturday. and we're still fighting. she didn't even sleep with me last night. she got up and slept in the spare bedroom. all night.
it's always about fucking communication. that i don't talk to her. that i don't tell her how i feel or what is on my mind. that i don't care about how she feels because i don't ask her over and over and over and over again when she doesn't answer me. i feel like i'm supposed to read her mind, like i'm some sort of superhero. i can't talk to her, i can't argue with her, i can't fight with her. every time i feel like i run in circles until i'm so dizzy and confused that i can't think anymore.
i feel like i've done something wrong.
is it worth it? to you? to me?
i don't know how to fix this...
i don't know how to talk to you...
these are the times when i don't know if it will get better.
if it is about communication, why do you leave? i'm afraid of saying the wrong thing. i'm afraid of forgetting. you think i don't care. i can't keep up with you. will i always be outrun by you?
these are the things that make me think it won't get better.
i can't compete. i shouldn't have to. it's not a competition.
i am alone.
you have him. i have no one.
maybe i'd be able to talk to you if i wasn't alone. maybe if i had someone to confide in, to work it all out with, to just listen to me without having anything to say, without having an emotional reaction, maybe i'd have an easier time talking to you.
i get so lost. you lose me so easily. i feel stronger when i vent first. i blow off some of those emotions that build that don't mean anything, the ones that confuse me and lose me so much.
i say the wrong thing all the time. or is it the right thing? are you just reacting the wrong way? is it wrong for me to say what i feel? is it wrong for you to react the way you feel? why is it that we can't meet in the middle?
i'm tired of being the one in the wrong.
you want your strong, independent, don't-take-no-shit girl back? then this is up to you.
this is your call. i don't care if it isn't fair. it can't always be fair.
you say that you hold back the things that could hurt me. maybe i need to be hurt. maybe you do too. we're both going to hurt, it's unavoidable in a relationship. i don't ever hurt you intentionally.
i'm sorry if this hurts you.
i'll talk more about the camping later, when i'm in a better mood.
so we had a nice long week of relaxation. naturally, the drama starts the minute we come home. ryan has baby mama drama. like right away, as soon as his phone got a signal while we were still driving home. then chris and i start fighting on saturday. and we're still fighting. she didn't even sleep with me last night. she got up and slept in the spare bedroom. all night.
it's always about fucking communication. that i don't talk to her. that i don't tell her how i feel or what is on my mind. that i don't care about how she feels because i don't ask her over and over and over and over again when she doesn't answer me. i feel like i'm supposed to read her mind, like i'm some sort of superhero. i can't talk to her, i can't argue with her, i can't fight with her. every time i feel like i run in circles until i'm so dizzy and confused that i can't think anymore.
i feel like i've done something wrong.
is it worth it? to you? to me?
i don't know how to fix this...
i don't know how to talk to you...
these are the times when i don't know if it will get better.
if it is about communication, why do you leave? i'm afraid of saying the wrong thing. i'm afraid of forgetting. you think i don't care. i can't keep up with you. will i always be outrun by you?
these are the things that make me think it won't get better.
i can't compete. i shouldn't have to. it's not a competition.
i am alone.
you have him. i have no one.
maybe i'd be able to talk to you if i wasn't alone. maybe if i had someone to confide in, to work it all out with, to just listen to me without having anything to say, without having an emotional reaction, maybe i'd have an easier time talking to you.
i get so lost. you lose me so easily. i feel stronger when i vent first. i blow off some of those emotions that build that don't mean anything, the ones that confuse me and lose me so much.
i say the wrong thing all the time. or is it the right thing? are you just reacting the wrong way? is it wrong for me to say what i feel? is it wrong for you to react the way you feel? why is it that we can't meet in the middle?
i'm tired of being the one in the wrong.
you want your strong, independent, don't-take-no-shit girl back? then this is up to you.
this is your call. i don't care if it isn't fair. it can't always be fair.
you say that you hold back the things that could hurt me. maybe i need to be hurt. maybe you do too. we're both going to hurt, it's unavoidable in a relationship. i don't ever hurt you intentionally.
i'm sorry if this hurts you.