(no subject)
I realize that I'm in a wonderful but really strange place in my life, still. It's like my 9th grade world history teacher would say, life doesn't get any less awkward, you just get used to it... it's true! I remember hoping so hard that it wasn't. Atleast it gets better though.. i thought it never would. I just finished reading this book which was supposed to be "life changing" but nothing's life changing unless you let it be. and i'm one of those that can't just let things be... i have to dragged out of things kicking and screaming and believe you me i'll put up a big old fight. i dont know exactly what i'm talking about, but i miss rambling on lj.
Mia turned 10 months old today. I can't believe that it's going to be a whole year in only two months! I feel like it was only yesterday i was buying that generic brand pregnancy test at that super walmart down tharpe street, looking forward to sparking that bowl with marcie once we got home. I hate that saying "everything happens for a reason"... but its so freaking true... i guess that's why i hate it. i never wanted my life to change into this, i never wanted to be a mom... i never wanted to move back home.. i never wanted to have to abstain from all the things i loved (love) to do for someone else's benefit... never wanted to be responsible for someone else's wellbeing, upbringing, and just life... how overwhelming.. how unnecessary and just in the way of things... what things exactly i'm not sure, but just not in the plan. My life. What could have been. A dream.... or a nightmare... most likely the latter. The truth is, the things i loved to do were........ nothing.
I liked to complain about my crappy boyfriend, my laziness, the fact that other people were doing things i wanted to do but never did, I liked to dwell (still do sometimes), sometimes it felt like i was a waste of life, like i wasn't good at living, i dont know why i would feel this way, and sometimes i still do, but i don't have much time to mope about my inabiity to be 100% happy 100% of the time. Being a mom was the last thing i wanted, yet ended up being what i absolutely needing.
Mia turned 10 months old today. I can't believe that it's going to be a whole year in only two months! I feel like it was only yesterday i was buying that generic brand pregnancy test at that super walmart down tharpe street, looking forward to sparking that bowl with marcie once we got home. I hate that saying "everything happens for a reason"... but its so freaking true... i guess that's why i hate it. i never wanted my life to change into this, i never wanted to be a mom... i never wanted to move back home.. i never wanted to have to abstain from all the things i loved (love) to do for someone else's benefit... never wanted to be responsible for someone else's wellbeing, upbringing, and just life... how overwhelming.. how unnecessary and just in the way of things... what things exactly i'm not sure, but just not in the plan. My life. What could have been. A dream.... or a nightmare... most likely the latter. The truth is, the things i loved to do were........ nothing.
I liked to complain about my crappy boyfriend, my laziness, the fact that other people were doing things i wanted to do but never did, I liked to dwell (still do sometimes), sometimes it felt like i was a waste of life, like i wasn't good at living, i dont know why i would feel this way, and sometimes i still do, but i don't have much time to mope about my inabiity to be 100% happy 100% of the time. Being a mom was the last thing i wanted, yet ended up being what i absolutely needing.