Madder than a bucket of frogs...
So I decided that I would re-watch The End of Time Part 1. My first impressions were not favourable at all but admittedly watching something in a turkey coma on Christmas Day isn't always the best way to see something so I thought I'd give it another go.
And the moral of this tale is always trust first impressions.
Because its every bit as barking mad and bloody awful as I thought it was.
I mean where to even begin? How the hell did this even get made? Did noone at any point say " Um...actually Russell this script? Well, its a bit shit really isn't it. I mean absolutely nothing makes sense and if we air this...well everyone is just going to piss themselves at how bloody dreadful the whole thing is. "
I mean he can't be that important that people were terrified to point out the failings in the script to him- the Beeb don't even seem to have greenlit Torchwood 4 yet despite it getting 6 million viewers - or is he just surrounded by yes men? Or did Moffatt just sling them all a few quid to keep quiet and tell RTD how really good it all was so that no matter what Moffat does in his first few episodes with Eleven it can't possibly be worse than this?
So so much of it was just pure WTF?
"Everyone was having bad dreams"
Really why? No seriously why? I mean mankind wasn't the remotest bit fussed last time Saxon appeared on the scene - in fact they all merrily voted him in as Prime Minister thanks to the Archangel network. So why would they all be having bad dreams about his return? I get that its a suitably eerie opening but when not even that makes sense we know we're in trouble.
The beautiful shot of Wilf in the church framed against the backdrop of the names of all those who have given their lives for this country had better not be bloody foreshadowing.
I presume mysterious lady is a Time Lady but is she good or a scheming bitch? And since when were the Time Lords such bloodthirsty souls anyway? I'm not an expert on Old Who but I certainly watched plenty of it growing up and in my recollection the Timelords were always a dusty staid sort not blood thirsty conquering horde "wahey time is ending and we're coming back" types. Timothy Dalton has a fab voice but the narration was cheesy as hell. And if we discover that the consciousness of the Timelords is stashed away in the Master's brain I may well throw something through my tv on New Year's Day because that would just be so far beyond ridiculous it would be......well entirely in keeping with the rest of the story.
Who the hell has sped up the advancement of Ood civilisation? Will we find out or will that just be ignored as a necessary means of getting the information to the Doctor so that he could go from A to B? Although Brian Cox has a fab voice as the Elder Ood.
So the Master has accolytes who sacrificed themselves for him. Again really? You would think that anyone who wasn't a prisoner (Jack) or slave labour (the Joneses)that was with the Master for that year on the Valiant during which he would have had plenty of time to come up with a Plan B in case he got offed would have been locked up in secret like Lucy or discreetly "disappeared" after Ten re-set time. After all you can hardly have people who happily let the Master commit genocide wandering the streets (speaking of which Doctor what is this "It wasn't her fault" bullshit where Lucy is concerned? Ok she redeems herself here but she did stand quite happily by her husband's side while he murdered millions.) I find it hard to believe that anyone close to the Master during that time was just left to their own devices.
So are we supposed to assume that he found and nurtured these followers during his 18 months on Earth before Ten, Jack and Martha re-appeared after the events of Utopia? The 18 month period during which he was busy building the Archangel Network, fighting his way into power, finding and marring Lucy etc - now that's what I call multi-tasking. And these accoyltes stayed faithful even after they were away from the effects of the Archangel network and after Saxon was believed dead? Really? I mean straining credulity just a tad there.
And even if I am willing to buy all that. How the fuck did they get the Master's ring? I had always assumed that Ten had taken the Master's body off world to burn it on the grounds that the local constabulary tend to have a dim view of people lighting funeral pyres on the beach. So how did they follow him? Did they stow away on the TARDIS? It just doesn't make any sense at all.
And then there's Lucy in the foxiest prison garb ever with perfect lipstick. So let me get this straight - Lucy was tried and convicted in secret meaning that hardly anyone knows where she is. But despite this fact she managed to have sufficient contact with her family to explain the whole unfortunate situation to them, guide them to the Secret Books of Saxon (groan!) and they then beavered away to create this anti-regeneration potion which they then somehow managed to deliver to an officer working in the same prison as Lucy so that she just happens to have this elixir ready at the exact moment that Lucy needed it? Yes because all that just makes perfect sense doesn't it. I have read unintelligible fanfic that makes more sodding sense than this plot.
So in a nutshell a group of raging hysterical women talk a lot of mumbo jumbo before employing a ridiculous mcguffin to bring back the Master sacrificing themselves in the process. And they call Moffat misogynistic!
So the Master's regeneration goes wrong so he's forced to what drain the life force from others I guess? I can just about cope with that and them turning him into Skeletor but why exactly did the regeneration process also turn him into Neo from The Matrix? And where the hell did he get lightening powers from? He's The Master not Storm from the X-Men.
Why introduce the Silver Cloak and then do nothing with them? They were huge fun. I would happily watch a spin off of Minnie the Menace and Wilf and co solving alien problems on Earth. But why waste screen time introducing them all and then give them 4 seconds of screentime? Even if watching the legend that is June Whitfield grabbing Tennant's backside was hilarious.
And what was up with the repeated Obama references? That was just genuinely odd. It was like the sort of thing I sometimes see in low budget American films when the American screenwriter knows nothing about Brits and probably couldn't pick England out on a map. This bizarre idea that the average Brit would be looking to America to sort out all their problems - that we'd be hanging on Obama's every word. I mean a Presidential Address would be covered on the news of course but it would be bloody unlikely for it to be the topic of conversation in the average Brit's house on Christmas Day. It would have made more sense if they'd had the Prime Minister due to deliver some sort of special address promising wide spread changes to combat the recession. I mean was it all just so that RTD could have the very cheap gag of Obama turning into the Master?
And oh dear oh dear - the affluent black people are the baddies. And dubbed as "idiots and fools" at one point. Total race fail. And who the hell is Joshua Naismith anyway? And how come he can just salvage stuff from Torchwood?
And why didn't the alien salvage team just salvage the gate and fix it somewhere else?
The whole thing was just a complete and total mess - an episode which seemed to have been concocted purely for the play on the phrase "the Master Race". I mean that was quite funny and worked as a gag but 59 minutes of lunacy for that?
The entire endeavour was saved by 2 scenes - Ten and Wilf in the coffee shop and Ten and the Master in the junk yard/wasteland (and why exactly was a burger van serving that particular area of barren wasteland might I ask?)
The scene in the coffee shop just killed me dead. You've get Ten terrified of dying, dismally lonely, still suffering from the mistakes he made in the Waters of Mars and the knowledge that his arrogance rather led to Adelaide's death and Wilf heartbroken that his beautiful grandaughter who he loves to death can do so much more and be so much more than she could ever dream of in her wildest fantasies and yet is instead stuck living a perfectly lovely but unremarkable life when she could be soaring in the skies with the Doctor. Wilf begging the Doctor to go outside and see her and asking him whether she would make him happy again made me cry. Tennant just looked so devastated in that whole sequence it was almost unbearable. Fantastic scene really beautifully delivered by two magnificent actors (Cribbins especially deserves immense praise - his Wilf was magnificent in every single scene).
I also like the wasteland scene. Ok the beginning sequence with the Master suddenly acquiring lightening powers was just ridiculous but things improved when he just metaphorically threw his hands up in the air and gave up trying to harm the Doctor and instead started reminiscing about life on Gallifrey. It was a nice scene with the actors subtly conveying the history between them. I mean they've reached the point when they can't even be bothered to fight anymore. It was also as slashy as hell.
But really 2 decent scenes out of a 60 minute episode isn't especially impressive. Tennant deserved so much better. I have to say all the journalists who were raving about this pre-air have gone done massively in my estimation. Either the Beeb got them well and truly pissed on Mulled Wine at the launch or they've all total sycophants as objectively I really don't know how you could say that this episode was any good. Well acted I'll give you - but well written? Fuck no.
And god knows how he's going to wrap it all up. I don't think its much of a spoiler to say that I've seen photos of at least 4 actors who have been in the series previously filming "something" in Cardiff - and yet I'm struggling to see how any of them could fit within the resolution to this story. I mean in the next part RTD needs to deal with the Master having turned everyone into him, the Timelords returning, the death of Ten and a resolution to Wilf and Donna's stories - all of that is big enough as it is - I don't know how the hell any of these other actors are going to fit in. If they are appearing (and they've not been in any trailer or appeared in any cast list) I bet they get a very short scene each if that.
But whatever happens one can only hope that the second half isn't as incoherent as the first....
And the moral of this tale is always trust first impressions.
Because its every bit as barking mad and bloody awful as I thought it was.
I mean where to even begin? How the hell did this even get made? Did noone at any point say " Um...actually Russell this script? Well, its a bit shit really isn't it. I mean absolutely nothing makes sense and if we air this...well everyone is just going to piss themselves at how bloody dreadful the whole thing is. "
I mean he can't be that important that people were terrified to point out the failings in the script to him- the Beeb don't even seem to have greenlit Torchwood 4 yet despite it getting 6 million viewers - or is he just surrounded by yes men? Or did Moffatt just sling them all a few quid to keep quiet and tell RTD how really good it all was so that no matter what Moffat does in his first few episodes with Eleven it can't possibly be worse than this?
So so much of it was just pure WTF?
"Everyone was having bad dreams"
Really why? No seriously why? I mean mankind wasn't the remotest bit fussed last time Saxon appeared on the scene - in fact they all merrily voted him in as Prime Minister thanks to the Archangel network. So why would they all be having bad dreams about his return? I get that its a suitably eerie opening but when not even that makes sense we know we're in trouble.
The beautiful shot of Wilf in the church framed against the backdrop of the names of all those who have given their lives for this country had better not be bloody foreshadowing.
I presume mysterious lady is a Time Lady but is she good or a scheming bitch? And since when were the Time Lords such bloodthirsty souls anyway? I'm not an expert on Old Who but I certainly watched plenty of it growing up and in my recollection the Timelords were always a dusty staid sort not blood thirsty conquering horde "wahey time is ending and we're coming back" types. Timothy Dalton has a fab voice but the narration was cheesy as hell. And if we discover that the consciousness of the Timelords is stashed away in the Master's brain I may well throw something through my tv on New Year's Day because that would just be so far beyond ridiculous it would be......well entirely in keeping with the rest of the story.
Who the hell has sped up the advancement of Ood civilisation? Will we find out or will that just be ignored as a necessary means of getting the information to the Doctor so that he could go from A to B? Although Brian Cox has a fab voice as the Elder Ood.
So the Master has accolytes who sacrificed themselves for him. Again really? You would think that anyone who wasn't a prisoner (Jack) or slave labour (the Joneses)that was with the Master for that year on the Valiant during which he would have had plenty of time to come up with a Plan B in case he got offed would have been locked up in secret like Lucy or discreetly "disappeared" after Ten re-set time. After all you can hardly have people who happily let the Master commit genocide wandering the streets (speaking of which Doctor what is this "It wasn't her fault" bullshit where Lucy is concerned? Ok she redeems herself here but she did stand quite happily by her husband's side while he murdered millions.) I find it hard to believe that anyone close to the Master during that time was just left to their own devices.
So are we supposed to assume that he found and nurtured these followers during his 18 months on Earth before Ten, Jack and Martha re-appeared after the events of Utopia? The 18 month period during which he was busy building the Archangel Network, fighting his way into power, finding and marring Lucy etc - now that's what I call multi-tasking. And these accoyltes stayed faithful even after they were away from the effects of the Archangel network and after Saxon was believed dead? Really? I mean straining credulity just a tad there.
And even if I am willing to buy all that. How the fuck did they get the Master's ring? I had always assumed that Ten had taken the Master's body off world to burn it on the grounds that the local constabulary tend to have a dim view of people lighting funeral pyres on the beach. So how did they follow him? Did they stow away on the TARDIS? It just doesn't make any sense at all.
And then there's Lucy in the foxiest prison garb ever with perfect lipstick. So let me get this straight - Lucy was tried and convicted in secret meaning that hardly anyone knows where she is. But despite this fact she managed to have sufficient contact with her family to explain the whole unfortunate situation to them, guide them to the Secret Books of Saxon (groan!) and they then beavered away to create this anti-regeneration potion which they then somehow managed to deliver to an officer working in the same prison as Lucy so that she just happens to have this elixir ready at the exact moment that Lucy needed it? Yes because all that just makes perfect sense doesn't it. I have read unintelligible fanfic that makes more sodding sense than this plot.
So in a nutshell a group of raging hysterical women talk a lot of mumbo jumbo before employing a ridiculous mcguffin to bring back the Master sacrificing themselves in the process. And they call Moffat misogynistic!
So the Master's regeneration goes wrong so he's forced to what drain the life force from others I guess? I can just about cope with that and them turning him into Skeletor but why exactly did the regeneration process also turn him into Neo from The Matrix? And where the hell did he get lightening powers from? He's The Master not Storm from the X-Men.
Why introduce the Silver Cloak and then do nothing with them? They were huge fun. I would happily watch a spin off of Minnie the Menace and Wilf and co solving alien problems on Earth. But why waste screen time introducing them all and then give them 4 seconds of screentime? Even if watching the legend that is June Whitfield grabbing Tennant's backside was hilarious.
And what was up with the repeated Obama references? That was just genuinely odd. It was like the sort of thing I sometimes see in low budget American films when the American screenwriter knows nothing about Brits and probably couldn't pick England out on a map. This bizarre idea that the average Brit would be looking to America to sort out all their problems - that we'd be hanging on Obama's every word. I mean a Presidential Address would be covered on the news of course but it would be bloody unlikely for it to be the topic of conversation in the average Brit's house on Christmas Day. It would have made more sense if they'd had the Prime Minister due to deliver some sort of special address promising wide spread changes to combat the recession. I mean was it all just so that RTD could have the very cheap gag of Obama turning into the Master?
And oh dear oh dear - the affluent black people are the baddies. And dubbed as "idiots and fools" at one point. Total race fail. And who the hell is Joshua Naismith anyway? And how come he can just salvage stuff from Torchwood?
And why didn't the alien salvage team just salvage the gate and fix it somewhere else?
The whole thing was just a complete and total mess - an episode which seemed to have been concocted purely for the play on the phrase "the Master Race". I mean that was quite funny and worked as a gag but 59 minutes of lunacy for that?
The entire endeavour was saved by 2 scenes - Ten and Wilf in the coffee shop and Ten and the Master in the junk yard/wasteland (and why exactly was a burger van serving that particular area of barren wasteland might I ask?)
The scene in the coffee shop just killed me dead. You've get Ten terrified of dying, dismally lonely, still suffering from the mistakes he made in the Waters of Mars and the knowledge that his arrogance rather led to Adelaide's death and Wilf heartbroken that his beautiful grandaughter who he loves to death can do so much more and be so much more than she could ever dream of in her wildest fantasies and yet is instead stuck living a perfectly lovely but unremarkable life when she could be soaring in the skies with the Doctor. Wilf begging the Doctor to go outside and see her and asking him whether she would make him happy again made me cry. Tennant just looked so devastated in that whole sequence it was almost unbearable. Fantastic scene really beautifully delivered by two magnificent actors (Cribbins especially deserves immense praise - his Wilf was magnificent in every single scene).
I also like the wasteland scene. Ok the beginning sequence with the Master suddenly acquiring lightening powers was just ridiculous but things improved when he just metaphorically threw his hands up in the air and gave up trying to harm the Doctor and instead started reminiscing about life on Gallifrey. It was a nice scene with the actors subtly conveying the history between them. I mean they've reached the point when they can't even be bothered to fight anymore. It was also as slashy as hell.
But really 2 decent scenes out of a 60 minute episode isn't especially impressive. Tennant deserved so much better. I have to say all the journalists who were raving about this pre-air have gone done massively in my estimation. Either the Beeb got them well and truly pissed on Mulled Wine at the launch or they've all total sycophants as objectively I really don't know how you could say that this episode was any good. Well acted I'll give you - but well written? Fuck no.
And god knows how he's going to wrap it all up. I don't think its much of a spoiler to say that I've seen photos of at least 4 actors who have been in the series previously filming "something" in Cardiff - and yet I'm struggling to see how any of them could fit within the resolution to this story. I mean in the next part RTD needs to deal with the Master having turned everyone into him, the Timelords returning, the death of Ten and a resolution to Wilf and Donna's stories - all of that is big enough as it is - I don't know how the hell any of these other actors are going to fit in. If they are appearing (and they've not been in any trailer or appeared in any cast list) I bet they get a very short scene each if that.
But whatever happens one can only hope that the second half isn't as incoherent as the first....