loving...
I have never loved someone so much before that it sometimes physically hurts not to be with them. This sounds absolutely rediculous I know... I have turned into that girl I hate. But honestly, when you love someone so much and they are just so blind to it at times, makes me want to scream.
I think what hurts worse is knowing they are not blind to it, but rather choose to ignore it. It hurts to think about them with someone else. It hurts to experience all those things you once shared by yourself. It hurts (and it sucks) when everything you do, say, eat, live or breath makes you think of a time that you and ______ ..... fill in the rest. It sucks even more looking at the person they are with now and wondering... what does she have that I don't? Why could we not have ever done that? Why couldn't we have been like that? Why can't you look at me, laugh with me, live with me the way you do with her? Why? What makes me so bad?
I'm ok with everything, I really am. I put on a strong face and just keep living, but there is always that little itty piece of me that no matter how many times you tell me it was not me and there is nothing I could do differently... there is always that piece of me that says otherwise. That piece of me that makes me wonder why no man has ever decided to truly love me. That piece of me that feels like it will always be sad. That piece of me that is absolutely missing because you have taken it away from me by being part of my life. There will always be a small piece of jealousy, a small piece of sadness, a small piece of regret and a small piece of curiousity that seems to be present.
There will always be a part of me that will look at each of your future girlfriends and wonder... what does she have that I don't? There will always be that small part of me hoping you will wake up and realize one of the best things in your life is standing right in front of you.
You told me several times, "I want to marry my best friend." Well, newsflash... you will never marry your best friend because you have gotten it in your head that you won't date friends. As someone you call your best friend, it makes me sad that you've cut off that possibility.
I have always said you scare me. You scare me because you make me feel things so extremely. This is part of that. The part where I feel jealous, lost, lonely and a little less important, so for that I feel hurt and anger. You make me feel things so extremely it scares me.
I think what hurts worse is knowing they are not blind to it, but rather choose to ignore it. It hurts to think about them with someone else. It hurts to experience all those things you once shared by yourself. It hurts (and it sucks) when everything you do, say, eat, live or breath makes you think of a time that you and ______ ..... fill in the rest. It sucks even more looking at the person they are with now and wondering... what does she have that I don't? Why could we not have ever done that? Why couldn't we have been like that? Why can't you look at me, laugh with me, live with me the way you do with her? Why? What makes me so bad?
I'm ok with everything, I really am. I put on a strong face and just keep living, but there is always that little itty piece of me that no matter how many times you tell me it was not me and there is nothing I could do differently... there is always that piece of me that says otherwise. That piece of me that makes me wonder why no man has ever decided to truly love me. That piece of me that feels like it will always be sad. That piece of me that is absolutely missing because you have taken it away from me by being part of my life. There will always be a small piece of jealousy, a small piece of sadness, a small piece of regret and a small piece of curiousity that seems to be present.
There will always be a part of me that will look at each of your future girlfriends and wonder... what does she have that I don't? There will always be that small part of me hoping you will wake up and realize one of the best things in your life is standing right in front of you.
You told me several times, "I want to marry my best friend." Well, newsflash... you will never marry your best friend because you have gotten it in your head that you won't date friends. As someone you call your best friend, it makes me sad that you've cut off that possibility.
I have always said you scare me. You scare me because you make me feel things so extremely. This is part of that. The part where I feel jealous, lost, lonely and a little less important, so for that I feel hurt and anger. You make me feel things so extremely it scares me.