frustration....
i cant sleep...I am just so fucking annoyed hurt and disappointed with so many things.
i) my dad, it feels wrong whenever i m happy, i feel guilty. i know i shouldnt but i do. i spent today just smiling even though i wanted to curl up in a ball some place.
ii) louis, how is it that he can just brush off our friendship as he does do i just not matter to anyone? he was the one being a twat not me yet why is it me that feels like shit. not being over dramatic but my dad almost died. i m not going to be ok and just move on. its a fucking huge nasty shock. yes i m relieved hes ok but it does make you just depressed. i needed him more than i ever had before and he brushed m off. all i wantd was for my best friend my most loved friend to be there and just listen to me or just give me a hug. but he couldnt.. so i try to be the bigger person and make the first move to resolve the argument even though he really should have apolagised to me, and he throws it back in my face. i feel like a door matt with him. i feel like its always me apolagising. he dosnt seem to want me in his life that much. it dosnt even seem to bother him that our friendship is falling apart. the last few months with him meant the world to me....obviously its a bit one sided. i m just disapointed that this has happened again.
iii) the guy, i really like him alot buti doubt i d ever mean more than sex to him if it ever went that way...argh i m annoyed i m even in this situation
iv)why cant i be alone? why do i have to have constant company or be just discustingly down? I m just so emoitionally unbalenced and i just dont know how to right it :( I feel like i am in a dark hole that there is no way out of.
i) my dad, it feels wrong whenever i m happy, i feel guilty. i know i shouldnt but i do. i spent today just smiling even though i wanted to curl up in a ball some place.
ii) louis, how is it that he can just brush off our friendship as he does do i just not matter to anyone? he was the one being a twat not me yet why is it me that feels like shit. not being over dramatic but my dad almost died. i m not going to be ok and just move on. its a fucking huge nasty shock. yes i m relieved hes ok but it does make you just depressed. i needed him more than i ever had before and he brushed m off. all i wantd was for my best friend my most loved friend to be there and just listen to me or just give me a hug. but he couldnt.. so i try to be the bigger person and make the first move to resolve the argument even though he really should have apolagised to me, and he throws it back in my face. i feel like a door matt with him. i feel like its always me apolagising. he dosnt seem to want me in his life that much. it dosnt even seem to bother him that our friendship is falling apart. the last few months with him meant the world to me....obviously its a bit one sided. i m just disapointed that this has happened again.
iii) the guy, i really like him alot buti doubt i d ever mean more than sex to him if it ever went that way...argh i m annoyed i m even in this situation
iv)why cant i be alone? why do i have to have constant company or be just discustingly down? I m just so emoitionally unbalenced and i just dont know how to right it :( I feel like i am in a dark hole that there is no way out of.