wow ok.
2 years? wow, I'm really impressive. Like a bandit in the night, suddenly I'm 34 am somehow missed the pyramid schemes against me, phew. nobody wanted mary kay or ...I did want lularoe leggings, they were buttery smooth. nothing is ever worth $25 for experiencing being comfortable in house. wanna look good going out? you wont ever...you will constantly judge yourself and or bring down others in order to contain whatever the fuck it is you are feeling. I actually have no idea. I'm here to update god damnit and I promise i will be as depressing as 15 year old me as i am at 34, almost 35. people have been blogging for years online! people kill people out of jealousy and money still except now people make money off of making videos on youtoube for talking about said situations. thats been happening for years. facebook, its gonna get gross as years pass, social media which was once exciting is gonna rule us all im a different but same way. whatever.
i havent seen many of the people ive talked about on here in a long time. which i think has been heartbreaking for me. i moved on so did they and it was necessary, i was far behind on moving on. i always have been.
I havent spoken to my mother in months, which sounds silly. She isn't a good person although i miss her she doesn't find me either. don't really know what she thinks but i do know as much as i can know is that she will die very bitter and lonely and i guess Im just very bitterly trying to work through my own shit without parents who are actively involved. My dad was diagnosed with cancer last year. ...Ive been a terrible daughter nut not because i don't love him but because we both each live in a place where we never allowed each other to grow beyond the love we already know is there. i cant find a connection beyond my kids that really makes any sense in my mind and thats because THEY are literally stuck with me and i have to face down demons because they are my priority. i guess it comes easier that way even though I complain about them a lot. they are smart. and both handsome. i struggle very much with ideas behiind choices,money, and what the actual fuck am i doing. i put isaac in baseball this year and it was a disaster. was it though? i don't know isaac almost 8 is already not feeling discussing his feeling with his mother. riley is the daddiest of all daddy boys. which is wonderful, art and i have had lots of fucked up times in the duration of our reletionship, it feels really good to watch riley love me and his dad and thrive.
Willow is almost 5 now. so for several years Ive been battling? her biological mother on some real bullshit. 12 dcfs calls, i got an order of protection against her that took well not only months but wanted it a year before hand. she doesn't specifically fuck with me directly but she has fucked me soooooo hard within raising kids and being in the reletionship i am still in today. like man poor 15 year old me feeling bad about that shit, but to look back and realize i have progressed very little as far as who i am and what will become of me. im surprised i didnt get consumed and over dose or just leave a kid behind. i had it in me to let everyone down, i chose the long way?
lolol tell me to shut up. ive read so much into this shit that i think it will help that things will make more sense. it wasn't there to be made sense of, its a survival game. id say im getting at least a c- in life.
i havent talked to my dad in a while. ive been trying to figure out why i avoid like anything important to me and thought it was because he had cancer and was scared he was going to die and all he talks about is his life insurance and what he his leaving his kids which to my defense is pretty upsetting seeing as how he is slash was the only person that if he died I would want to go with him. i had to go and give birth to 2 boys, get involved with willow and still be totally clueless but if anybody had fight in them yall should fight for your kids. they are pretty much the point to this pretty pointless life.
nobody slows down for me, nobody tells me whats what before whats what is everything everbody else knows. gotta be something about me not seeking out anything other than just what i need to know. and honestly im pretty ok with me. been sad probably always will be sad but it has never defined me on a level i couldn't come back from. not yet. youll know if i die cause ill never post another post ever again.
im super impressed with my typing ability right now. see school does teach shit. i can type words still and not give a fuck if anything has a capital letter or not cause who the fuck cares.
Isaac will be starting 2nd grade next week. He doesn't poop. I mean like literally holds is shit in, has for years. Im like dude its something we all do, i watch him struggle, i watch him often get avoided by his dad, i watch him pretty much get ganged up on by his "step dad" thats a term id use lightly, ive been with art for years willow is almost 5 and she has always called me mom, yes she was a baby but isaac was only 2 when i started seeing Art and it was very apparent once willow came along that he was going to just literally also never do anything right either and be mocked and made fun of on this weird basis that I allowed as his mother into his life and parts of me wants to baby him like i always did, but i shouldn't have babied him in the first place all i can do now is acknowledge and stand by him and work with and for him as well as everyone else. sounds easy right? NOPE. willow been rape kit tested when she was a 3 and a half and Hope has owned us here with threats and yadda yadda. its not that simple but isaac has been by me most importantly casted aside and i hate myself for that and im bringing it back full circle because the hardest thing ive ever done is become a mom and 2nd hardest thin g has been being willows "step mom" which ive always been her mom, ive cared and loved and taught her and she been apart of all of that depressing shit for me as well as isaac and riley whom ive not talked about at all because those 2 live such sporatic lives and i worry worry worry. and i dont have to do that with riley, i know he is living his own life but Art and I have worked that out for him that he loves us very much both equally and thats just what the other 2 dont have in their life. isaac moreso but not from the stand point of a step parent. imo.
Im really trying to figure it all out, but to be honest livejournal...i didnt make it. i didnt' overcome my fears, i let them consume me. i didn't grow out of being awkward from my teenage phase, im still there. i want calls made for me, i want things done for me even though i know the latter comes down to me doing it myself. I have to tell myself the same thing i say which is "do you best, keep going, it is worth it, you can do this" weak i don't even believe myself. i hope my kids believe me. i hope i can end this vicious angry cycle without becoming my mother. ill be anything but her. its ever evolving to be reminded that your own mother would have sold your soul to the devil to gain anything for herself. she beyond disgusting. lol im sure she feels the same way about me. glad me and my sisters survived her, she probably would have massacred us for people to feel sorry for her if she had come down tot he knitty gritty of it all. can somebody be that disgusted? i suppose cause i am. want what you cant have. couldn't have a normal way of being raised, couldn't avoid the shit my kids today also cant avoid and oh the fun they might look like they are having but i know deep down that being a kid you can shove those feelings so far off to the side to eat at you later in life. eyeroll emojii hahahiahahahahaha jokes on everybody.
recent events to be continued....