(no subject)
It hurts so bad and I don't understand why. I called him like 16 or so times to leave messages to explain everything. Like the fact I was purposely trying to piss him off and why I did it. Because I was trying to push him away period. I feel for him, but he does not feel for me. How much it hurts to be just his friend when I want more. But I miss his friendship so much when he's not around. So in either situation, I still seem to hurt. I love him so much. I don't want to lose him. I especially don't want to lose him bc of this feeling I have for him. He's the only one that I've met so far that feels me. Like I can say shit and he completely understands and I don't have to explain anything to him. I can just say it and he knows what I mean. No drawn out story. I could say dog and that's all i would have to say and he would understand. I told him how fuckin confused I am about this whole thing because some days I feel like he's feeling for me and some days I feel he isn't. How I have these strong sexual feelings for him...the sharing of myself kind and yet I want to nurture like a mother does a child. And this all confuses me to no end. How much I want him to want me, and if I have everything he's looking for in a woman, than why ain't it me? He says I read too much into stuff but he gives me stuff to read into. I told him how much it confuses me and I don't know what to do about it. I want to be there for him like I always have. But then I think again...that would make sure that we will always just be friends. The only thing I can think to do is to stop talking to him for a bit and see if I can get over this. I really do want him to look at me like Nate looked at me. Like Tomas looks at me now. Why can't I just be satisfied with the great (ok, somewhat great friendship) that Paul and I have right now. So what to do..what to do.