(no subject)
Ok. So I know what exactly one issue is. Now trying to fix is the problem, because I've never had to. An ex is an ex for a reason right? Still don't understand why I like P even in some cases love him. When he's all snuggy wuggy u know I adore him. I do. I miss that alot. I'm not going to lie. I miss the person I met more. We used to talk all the time. Most times about nothing, but it was always fun and crazy. He used to be so crazy about me. I blame myself for his change. If I weren't so damned demanding we'd still be together (not that we're not but we're not together together still working on the friend thing). So i'm pulling myself apart. Wanting to be with him at the same time trying to be just friends. It's driving me insane and I flip flop with being ok with it, to being angry as hell about it all to being deeply hurt to feeling so completely betrayed. And right now, I'm feeling both sides of this insane coin. I know how it feels to have someone wanting u that u don't want and them bugging u about it (I know that's not what they are trying to do). I'm doing the same thing to him...but I'm flip flopping. One minute we're talking like we ain't got no good sense, next thing u know my feelings surface and he withdrawls from me like I withdrawl from everyone else that shows feelings for me. The only thing I can think to do is to just not talk to him anymore. But if I don't talk to him anymore, how can I be there for him like I promised I would....did I promise that to him or to myself? I don't remember anymore. Everything is just swirling around in my head. And I try not to talk to him, but I start missing him (the one I met, not this new person) and the next thing u know I'm texting him I guess hoping for a glimps of the old him. And I see it every once in awhile and I get excited, then as sudden as it came, it stops.
Other news (bc i'm getting a headache thinking about this...fuck my narcissism). Still relizing that I have like the best luck in the world. I should feel blessed, but I don't bc we know what I have the no luck in.
Thought my date from last night, T, stood me up (I'm trying to move on...doesn't mean my heart has...come on...this is the 1st time in almost 3 years someone even moved me to want to be with them like that...was always NATE NATE NATE...see..no luck). He didn't. He came knocking on my door and I was sleeping. I need to get a doorbell. I thought he was going to call me before he came and wake me up, but something was up with his phone he says. He's not telling me some stuff though. I feel it in my bones. Cause I always do. I always just know. I use my 6th sense as much as possible.
Gabe called. We talked...well he talked..for a bit. He still wants to be with me:(. We broke up a year ago man. (see..this is why I know how P feels and i get torn apart) But he hasn't changed. I told him one of the reasons why I'm not with hiim anymore...bc he's not affectionate, I find him cold and basically he's saying black men rn't like that. I wanted to tell him T is but that would have just started an arguement and him accusing T of being gay or on the DL. He kept trying to come over. Mentioned he was horny. I'm like ah...so that's why u called. He's like no..I just choose to take care of my horniness with you. How romantic u shit.
See. The part of me that keeps P as a bff wants to tell him all this shit (cause he would get a good ass laugh from it...I know that part of him that well) but the part of me that likes him deems that inappropriatae. I know. We've said it a million times. I'm fucked up. I did write a final poem for P. Normally I would share, but this one I don't think I can. It's been so long since I've written "in love" poems. Was nice for a minute.
Other news (bc i'm getting a headache thinking about this...fuck my narcissism). Still relizing that I have like the best luck in the world. I should feel blessed, but I don't bc we know what I have the no luck in.
Thought my date from last night, T, stood me up (I'm trying to move on...doesn't mean my heart has...come on...this is the 1st time in almost 3 years someone even moved me to want to be with them like that...was always NATE NATE NATE...see..no luck). He didn't. He came knocking on my door and I was sleeping. I need to get a doorbell. I thought he was going to call me before he came and wake me up, but something was up with his phone he says. He's not telling me some stuff though. I feel it in my bones. Cause I always do. I always just know. I use my 6th sense as much as possible.
Gabe called. We talked...well he talked..for a bit. He still wants to be with me:(. We broke up a year ago man. (see..this is why I know how P feels and i get torn apart) But he hasn't changed. I told him one of the reasons why I'm not with hiim anymore...bc he's not affectionate, I find him cold and basically he's saying black men rn't like that. I wanted to tell him T is but that would have just started an arguement and him accusing T of being gay or on the DL. He kept trying to come over. Mentioned he was horny. I'm like ah...so that's why u called. He's like no..I just choose to take care of my horniness with you. How romantic u shit.
See. The part of me that keeps P as a bff wants to tell him all this shit (cause he would get a good ass laugh from it...I know that part of him that well) but the part of me that likes him deems that inappropriatae. I know. We've said it a million times. I'm fucked up. I did write a final poem for P. Normally I would share, but this one I don't think I can. It's been so long since I've written "in love" poems. Was nice for a minute.