Round and round she goes ...
Roller derby is starting to feel like my secret lover. I keep trying to pull myself away from it, but the more I resist, the more I miss it. Instead of abstaining, I end up getting closer and closer to it. And the more I try to avoid it, the stronger the appeal becomes.
I had very legitimate reasons for pulling back. Being an officer for my old team drained me of everything I had in me. My president was, well, a bitch, and she exhausted everyone around her. I don't regret closing out that team, but I do regret the way I went about it.
The new team was tough in the beginning. The president and I were close friends, but she turned on me. I almost quit but decided to stick with it because of my derby wife and my coach. I took a three month break because of my job, and when I came back, I swore I would just be a skater and wouldn't get involved with the politics. But then we had our first bout, and everyone was clueless on how to plan. So I told the officers I would help, but only for that one bout. I would show them the ropes so they could do it on their own the next time. But every bout after, I kept getting sucked in. We got a new president, and I made amends with the old one. The team started looking to me as a leader and began trusting me. The last two bouts, I've been the team captain because I know the rules and am certainly not afraid to call a timeout to argue a bad call with the refs.
When Coach was injured, I did everything I could to take care of him. I've practically lived with him and his wife over the last month. I think that showed a lot of the girls exactly what derby is supposed to be. It's not just a sport we play for fun. It's a family, and we take care of each other, on and off the track.
Over the last six months, I've fallen in love with the sport itself. With the old team, I loved the girls. I loved the emotional aspect of being on a team. But I sucked at actually playing. I couldn't lay a good hit on someone if my life depended on it.
But I've gotten so much better. Coach was working with me a lot, teaching me to put more power in my stride so I can execute dynamite shoulder blocks. I can now hip block and send jammers flying. Girls who used to terrify me are now telling me that I scare them.
How can I pull back now? Not only have I fallen in love with my team, I have fallen in love with myself as a skater. I came back to derby in December so I could find Zelda. Instead, I found Heather.
Last week, a couple of the officers asked me if I will consider running for secretary next month. They wanted me to run for treasurer, but part of the drama in the beginning involved some people thinking I stole money from the old team (even though I provided bank statements and financials proving that every dime was accounted for). I refuse to handle money because I don't want those suspicions to follow me.
I'm scared to get too involved again. I don't want to place derby before my family, like I did with the old team. I hate that my husband thought that I loved it more than him. And I don't want to be stabbed in the back again.
The only difference I can see in myself this time around is that I'm no longer afraid of people. My job has taught me a lot about the benefits of confrontation, and now, whenever I hear people buzzing with gossip, I tell them that they either need to take it to the board or shut up. I'm certainly not afraid to tell someone to man up and quit acting like little girls. If we want to be taken seriously as athletes, we have to stop the girl-on-girl hate.
Coach told me yesterday that he's moving to Texas in December, and my heart is breaking. I'm going to miss him terribly as a friend, but I know it's for the best for him and his wife. But I'm scared the team won't survive. Everyone loves him, and when he goes, we have to have a strong, neutral leader step up to the plate.
Maybe I'm not that person. The team may not want me. But I can step up and run. If that's what I want to do. I tried talking to Matt about it, but, as usual, he just nodded his head and told me to do whatever. I asked him if he would be jealous of my time, and he said no. But I'm not convinced because he denies being jealous before. I don't want derby to hurt my marriage. But at this point, I can't afford to not do it. I love this sport. I love hitting girls and getting hit back. I love knowing that my jammer just scored because I made a hole in the pack for her to get through. I love looking at video footage of me skating and basking in the pride because, dammit, I'm strong!
Until my body forces me to stop, I am going to keep going. I'm not treating derby like my mistress anymore. Whether I run for office or I continue acting like I have the authority of one, I'm not giving up. I might end up with shattered knees and a titanium hip, but at least I will be able to rest at night knowing that for once, I didn't settle for what was convenient. I'll have done something I wanted to do simply because I wanted to do it.
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