It's been awhile...
Have you ever felt like your life was off track or that you were not where you're supposed to be? I have been feeling like that for the last 6-7 years. I often feel like if I make a positive change in my life, 2 or more negative things happen in return. In the last 6 months, I lost my soul mate and had a miscarriage within 2 weeks of each other. I understand that all things happen for a reason, but it makes me wonder if I am so off kilter that I deserve these bad events. The 2 deaths made me reflect upon who I have become, and I truly do not like what I see. I have let myself go, my friendships are non-existent, and my relationship with Matt is not what it used to be. Every day I go to work, I feel unappreciated and am under so much pressure, that it just does not help with the overwhelming sensation that I'm feeling. I always say that I am going to "get better" and make some junky plan to improve myself, but then don't follow through and just end up feeling worse about myself. So this makes me wonder now... What will it take for me to actually change? Will it take another death? A divorce? Hitting rock bottom (whatever that may be)? Or do I finally get my behind in gear and make small changes that help me reach my final destination??? At this point, I really don't know where to begin. I'm in this unrealistic phase of, "I want things back to the way they were." I want Sunny back. I should have a newborn baby. I shouldn't have to worry about if I'm going to make mortgage. I want a job where I feel like I make a difference. I want a job that is less than 30 minutes from my home. I want to be able to visit my parents whenever I want. I want to feel like Matt still loves me and he's my best friend. I want to feel like I can call my sister and ask her for advice whenever I need to, but none of those are going to happen overnight.
When did I stop loving myself? That is what everything stems down to... When I stopped caring and putting effort into things is when things went downhill. Maybe I can make a change. Who knows, maybe I'll finally find my way back to the right path and get back on track. Until then, I'll keep searching for that path and hopefully find myself along the way.
When did I stop loving myself? That is what everything stems down to... When I stopped caring and putting effort into things is when things went downhill. Maybe I can make a change. Who knows, maybe I'll finally find my way back to the right path and get back on track. Until then, I'll keep searching for that path and hopefully find myself along the way.