my own therapist
So I've been feeling depressed again lately. (Really! What news!)It comes and goes, but it's not as bad as it used to be. But I think I've come to notice more about myself.
I know I'm not the most active person. I really have no motivation to do much of anything. I get random spurts of "I'm gonna be good and do a couple hundred crunches" but that ends right after I do it. It's just so mind-numblingly BORING to me, and I loathe doing boring shit alone. I hate doing things alone, period, because for so long I was just, alone. And it doesn't help that I'm pretty introverted, either. And that worries me for a month from now, when I go off to school again. I've seen people from there on facebook and myspace, and it's mainly beautiful people who look like the popular kids from HS the normal people hated. And it sucks, because everywhere I go I'm an exception, the lone girl who doesn't look like anyone else.
I also seem to be gradually more threatened by others' success and achievements. If I hear that someone got a full ride to school, I feel inadequate because I didn't. Or if people should do lots of cool things because they're talented, I feel mediocre. It really doesn't help that with the way my education went at a young age, I was pushed more and kind of made to be a little more superior than other kids were. I didn't think of it at the time that way though. Though when they started treating some other kids (like that Tara girl who wore sweatsuits with the big ass, remember Nadine?) the same way, I got kind of insulted. And routine got to me, and I was bored, I had been doing the same thing for 6 years. No wonder I quit that program. I think that if they plan on putting a kid in an accelerated program, besides giving them an IQ test, maybe psych tests should be given too, ensuring no damages to future mentalities occur. I'm really fucked up from all that shit.
I know you can't blame everything on your childhood. But when you didn't let yourself have a childhood, that you made yourself grow up too soon, you're bound to come to a grinding halt.
I know I'm not the most active person. I really have no motivation to do much of anything. I get random spurts of "I'm gonna be good and do a couple hundred crunches" but that ends right after I do it. It's just so mind-numblingly BORING to me, and I loathe doing boring shit alone. I hate doing things alone, period, because for so long I was just, alone. And it doesn't help that I'm pretty introverted, either. And that worries me for a month from now, when I go off to school again. I've seen people from there on facebook and myspace, and it's mainly beautiful people who look like the popular kids from HS the normal people hated. And it sucks, because everywhere I go I'm an exception, the lone girl who doesn't look like anyone else.
I also seem to be gradually more threatened by others' success and achievements. If I hear that someone got a full ride to school, I feel inadequate because I didn't. Or if people should do lots of cool things because they're talented, I feel mediocre. It really doesn't help that with the way my education went at a young age, I was pushed more and kind of made to be a little more superior than other kids were. I didn't think of it at the time that way though. Though when they started treating some other kids (like that Tara girl who wore sweatsuits with the big ass, remember Nadine?) the same way, I got kind of insulted. And routine got to me, and I was bored, I had been doing the same thing for 6 years. No wonder I quit that program. I think that if they plan on putting a kid in an accelerated program, besides giving them an IQ test, maybe psych tests should be given too, ensuring no damages to future mentalities occur. I'm really fucked up from all that shit.
I know you can't blame everything on your childhood. But when you didn't let yourself have a childhood, that you made yourself grow up too soon, you're bound to come to a grinding halt.