(no subject)
I feel invisible
I live in a building with a lot of other people, as many as maybe 50. There are another 8 people on my floor but I dont really get on with any of them, at least, not the ones on my floor. The ones I do get on with, well...
I managed to stay in my room all day on friday, not seeing anyone, same on thurday evening. on friday i saw andy (my boyfriend) for a whole 2 minutes before he left to go climbing for a weekend...
since then, i havent seen anyone at all. I just went over to get some takeaway food from the canteen for my dinner. I thought that no one else had gone for dinner tonight (usually someone comes round and knocks on all the doors to see who wants to go for food) because i hadnt hear anyone or seen them leave. but, as i got over to the canteen, i saw everyone (and i mean almost everyone, its no exageration) getting up and putting their trays away. so again, i was fighting back tears
I have spent all weekend harming, it is almost my birthday (3 weeks yesterday) and I really dont want to live for it. I am making plans to have friends celebrate with me, but at the same time hoping that I die before then. I just want everything to stop. Im almost 18, a failure, probably going to drop out/be kicked out of university before the end of my first year. All I do is hurt others, make them sad, worry them...
I really want everything to end. I keep attempting it through cutting, I have been for a few days now, but I keep making it stop, so everything is just really surface wounds... I want to overdose again, but having no pills is a problem. I am thinking about stockpiling till I get more
I just... really dont want to be here anymore.... Im invisible so its not like the world would even notice for a few days...
Andy gets back tomorrow, he always says that I should talk to him when I feel like I do now, but how do I start that conversation...
At least this way maybe people, mainly Ex-friends and Ex-boyfriends (one in particular who made my life hell and almost caused this several months ago by making suicide threats), maybe they will be happy, get what they have wished for
at least 2 of the 8 people on this floor hate me... I know that they do, I just dont know why. I asked one of them and she wouldnt tell me, so I cant better myself
I really just want to disappear... not that I havent already.
sorry, I just feel so crap today and every day just now