And
I talked to my dad and my brother tonight. It turns out that avoiding them for over a month means they will eventually try to get a hold of me. My dad called the sunday we were gone, and I've been trying to get in the mood to call him back but haven't been able to. Talking to them makes me want to jump out a window. My little brother answers and says "Dad really misses you" and when my Dad, who has been emotionless for nearly 23 years says "I miss you", it makes it terribly hard to continue. I feel like I abandoned them. My poor Dad, who has no one to talk to save me is now without me and I'm no better than anyone else he knows, just packs up and leaves. I know thats what I'm supposed to do, but I don't feel like we had enough time. If he were around being a dick my whole life I might not be so sad to go, but I've only had quality time with him for 4 years. It's eating me. And Matthew. Matthew my living guilt. I hate talking to him now because I can tell he's also without me to talk to. I hate to be conceited, but if you know me and my family, you would know how closed off we all are in each other. Secretive. And he breaks my heart, saying he too misses me. All of this and I won't even call them because it makes me so sad. Maybe I'm afraid of how it feels, and I hide from it. Whatever it is, it makes me feel like a bad person.