Thoughts from cuddle party
I attended my second cuddle party tonight. This weekend I'm enrolled (and attending!) their Foundations of Facilitation workshop. Oodles of enlightening education, I'm sure (that's genuine, not sarcastic!). I came away from my experience tonight with very different emotions compared to my first cuddle party.
I realized I have *alot* of work to do for myself.
Once again I found myself not even knowing what I want, in order to ask for it. I've suppressed my wants for so long, that I don't know how to want. Then again, part of me feels like I'm actually wanting so much so intensely that I can't pinpoint what it is exactly that will satisfy me. For so much of my life (even now) I feel like I don't deserve for my desires to be fulfilled. I've squelched my wants, because who cares, I don't deserve to have those desires fulfilled anyway.
I realized I have NO connection whatsoever with myself... mentally, spiritually, physically... I have no idea who I truly am. All of my life I've been striving to be "perfect". Nobody asked it of me, I just felt the need to be exactly what a "good person" or a "successful person" would be.
I'm 100% focused on what the external world expects of me, and that's what I do, that's what I try to be.
Subconsciously, the real me buried deep inside causes me to reach out by raising my voice, interrupting people, and other such rudeness trying to go "hey! what about me!?!"
I have *alot* of work to do for myself.
I realized I have *alot* of work to do for myself.
Once again I found myself not even knowing what I want, in order to ask for it. I've suppressed my wants for so long, that I don't know how to want. Then again, part of me feels like I'm actually wanting so much so intensely that I can't pinpoint what it is exactly that will satisfy me. For so much of my life (even now) I feel like I don't deserve for my desires to be fulfilled. I've squelched my wants, because who cares, I don't deserve to have those desires fulfilled anyway.
I realized I have NO connection whatsoever with myself... mentally, spiritually, physically... I have no idea who I truly am. All of my life I've been striving to be "perfect". Nobody asked it of me, I just felt the need to be exactly what a "good person" or a "successful person" would be.
I'm 100% focused on what the external world expects of me, and that's what I do, that's what I try to be.
Subconsciously, the real me buried deep inside causes me to reach out by raising my voice, interrupting people, and other such rudeness trying to go "hey! what about me!?!"
I have *alot* of work to do for myself.