(Untitled)
what she wants: me to not be messy and to ask her to marry her
what i want: her, for once in our goddamned relationship, to initiate sex
the gulf between is an ancient ocean's wide....
what i want: her, for once in our goddamned relationship, to initiate sex
the gulf between is an ancient ocean's wide....
I guess what I mean by the "serving someone else" thing is that if you don't feel like having sex and you know you are disappointing someone if you don't, it starts to feel like an act of servitude to keep the other person happy. Women in general, need a cerebral connection to feel close to their partner whereas I think men consider the sex itself to be a very intimate connection. Not to say that women don't consider it essential and a damn good time, just that there isn't as much importance. We don't feel unwanted or unloved if we don't have sex every day, etc.
Let it be some small consoling thought that I absolutely vouch for the "I am just tired" scenario. I read about and hear about women who feel awful saying this to their partners on a daily basis here on LJ alone! It is not an excuse any of us use to get out of sex, I think it's just that having a nice, quiet conversation in bed is so appealing at the end of the day, that the idea of a physical act that makes us all energized (as opposed to like, relaxed and ready to sleep like is often the case for men)is overwhelming.
I would hate for you to feel like it's an excuse to not be close to you because this shit is going on in pretty much any and every relationship between adults involved in long term commitments, ya know? Just don't let it get to you on any sort of damaging level, don't think it's YOU.
Reply
i know how it feels to think you may be letting someone down..and it is a weight on ones' shoulders....and i know what you mean ....i am pretty sure she thinks i am let down when she is not in the mood...and i am....to different degrees at different times....but it seems that over the 3 or more...christ....maybe 4 years we have been dating ..that she has withdrew the physical closeness to such a point where these days...when it does happen i am like a dog given a bone..so grateful for the scraps...and i take the scraps and then resent it later...
and sex every day is not something i want....i hate to put a number to it but..i dunno....2-3x a week....and yes i know people get busy..no need to tell me the obvious....i live the obvious....we had gone before 2+ months, and then a month..and then many weeks...it seems to wax and wane in regards to her whims or how upset she may or may not be with me...she is not one to emote..i have to drag shit out of her.....have to go for weeks or more without intimacy only to find out she was upset at something i had done..or the fact that the last time i came over i did not dress up enough and she takes that as a sign that she is not that important to me....and she holds it in..... >>>>
Reply
i am at a loss because she does not initiate sex, EVER!!...i am not saying that she only does it every haley's comment....i am saying EVER...and that plays hell on a guy's self esteem.....makes me wonder what is wrong with me....because she sure as fuck will not explain it....i would like for once to be ravaged.....just one time in 4 years would be nice...of course...once every few months would be great.......sex with her...only happens when i initiate..and it is always this retarded game of us sitting somewhere...talking..i rub her feet then her back..then kiss her neck....then she slowly, glacially..gets into it and i have to choreograph it all....and it is mentally draining having to make all of the moves and wondering if she really would rather be someplace else....
the i am just tired scenario...as valid as it is..is hurtful....could it be that she has been tired for 365 days x 4 years...?.....and i have grown so needful and so pitiful that i have told her and convinced myself that if she were to show me in other ways that she adored me and though of me as desirable then i would give up the idea of having sex as often as i wanted.....if she treated me as though i was handsome and virile and a good catch.....then i would forgo the actual intimacy......and to me that is just goddamned retarded........but..regardless....i am not getting either to my satisfaction.......and i am always the one who has to bring up the fact that there is a problem......she doesn't say "david..i notice you seem sad...what is wrong...we can talk.."...no..talking to her is like the holocaust..like pulling teeth.....in my mind ...from what i have gathered....she would rather never talk about anything difficult or even semi-confrontational........and..well...she gets her way.....because i feel if i belabor certain points........>>
Reply
the idea that this happens everyday to everyone all the time is no consolation....sure..it normalizes it..but i never thought it was abnormal...i just want it not to be....and it makes me sad a little bit to be telling this to the internet because i get no response in telling her....
and as for me taking it personally, shit yeah i am .....just because every harry dicked tom has the same issue...does not make it hurt less...what else could it be..or rather...what does it matter if it is not me and it is her..because she sure as shit ain't explaining or doing any talking...and if it is me?....i do not have the benefit of her as a sounding board because she is mute and therefore becoming moot...
Reply
Reply
Leave a comment