all better...
just got outta the shower and im feelin lots better now... not all emo and pessimistic like i was feelin in my last entry... now im just like... ehh.. oh well... there are a few things that still bother me though... it has nothing to do with Kyle though... basically the last few weeks Desire' has told me how she feels about me.. which is pretty much the same way i feel.. but when i ask "so why arent we together then?" i get the same answer every time.. "it just wont work right now" ... now.. my question is.. when is it gonna work?? will it ever work?? im so confused right now... the way i thought she felt about me was wrong.. i tried my best to move on... but i couldnt.. and now hearing the way she really feels about me.. i cant move on... but in the mean time i left here... being sad, lonely and missing her like crazy wondering when the time is gonna come that it will work... but i cant help but think.. what if it doesnt come?? now i've wasted my time waiting for something that never came.. and that would really suck.. but oh well... i dont know what will happen in the future... but right now im not ready to move on.. i love her to much.. i just hope all this waiting will be worth it... she never once asked me to wait for her... but she really doesnt have to.. the way i feel about her wont allow me to move on.. it wont allow me to have feelings for another girl because my whole heart is still hers.. every little piece she has in her hand to do with what she wants... i tried to forget the way i feel about her for a night... but it really didnt work... i could only think about the way kissing desire' felt..how her kiss would consume my whole body.. im not saying it will always be like this... just right now i cant have feelings for another girl so it would be selfish of me to start something with someone... it's like i expected to feel the same way when i kiss desire' but that sure didnt happen... anyways... for now im just gonna forget about girls and love and focus on my friends and making some new friends... my friends have been my safety net this last month or so... they have been there tryin to cheer me up and make me laugh... they were the ones that brought me out of the state of depression i was in... dont get me wrong though.. im still sad, upset and hurt that desire' and I arent together... but i dont let it control me.. i go out i have fun... but deep down inside im still just as sad as i was before... but atleast now i can kind of push the sadness aside and be normal for a little while...
anyways.. enough of that... so yeah, the other day i talked to an old friend online.. we kind of had a falling out.. mainly due to me being an asshole... i mean.. he did some shit that really pissed me off and kind of stabbed me in the back.. but that was well over a year ago and people grow up/change... i used to think i hated him.. but why? the only shit i could come up with was the fact that i was always cleanin the apartment up after him... he started shit between me and desire' and that was about it... i think if we never would have been roomies we would still be pretty good friends today... Desire's "i dont hold grudges" attitude has kind of inspired me a bit and im gonna give it a try.. i was thinkin about it the other day... and i actually do miss him... i miss standin on our balcony/in front of my grandmas house/ at starbucks and just talkin about shit on a deep level... a level i have never been able to talk to anyone else on... he understood me and i understood him... made me really happy the other day when the last thing he said before he signed off was... " i hope someday we can be good friends again" .....
anyways... i have to go straighten my hair like the girl that i am and start gettin all "cute" for work... i havent done my hair in a few weeks or so and it always boosts my self esteem when i do it.. and right now i think i need a little boost... you all have a great great day ... i know im gonna try....
anyways.. enough of that... so yeah, the other day i talked to an old friend online.. we kind of had a falling out.. mainly due to me being an asshole... i mean.. he did some shit that really pissed me off and kind of stabbed me in the back.. but that was well over a year ago and people grow up/change... i used to think i hated him.. but why? the only shit i could come up with was the fact that i was always cleanin the apartment up after him... he started shit between me and desire' and that was about it... i think if we never would have been roomies we would still be pretty good friends today... Desire's "i dont hold grudges" attitude has kind of inspired me a bit and im gonna give it a try.. i was thinkin about it the other day... and i actually do miss him... i miss standin on our balcony/in front of my grandmas house/ at starbucks and just talkin about shit on a deep level... a level i have never been able to talk to anyone else on... he understood me and i understood him... made me really happy the other day when the last thing he said before he signed off was... " i hope someday we can be good friends again" .....
anyways... i have to go straighten my hair like the girl that i am and start gettin all "cute" for work... i havent done my hair in a few weeks or so and it always boosts my self esteem when i do it.. and right now i think i need a little boost... you all have a great great day ... i know im gonna try....