DO NOT READ THIS (bitch bitch bitch rant)
I've needed to write this down for months now. It's getting tiring holding all of this in. I just wanna cry about it all and start over. I'd rather be a dog.
I feel like my life ended and I'm walking through a bizarre excuse for hell. I flunked out of college again. Because of one class.
My final grade was a "B" in the one class that dragged me down, but due to 5 classes I missed my professor lowered my grade to a D. And for all the time I've wallowed on over this, it occurs to me that he has the right. 5 classes = 5 weeks. One class a week. But my final grade was supposed to be a B, goddammmmmit.
I'm sick of trying towards anything. I think about suicide, but that's a selfish cop-out. I do know that much. Besides, for all I know what comes after death for me is worse than this.
The worst part of where I'm at is dissappointing everyone that cares about me. What would be the difference between now and if I REALLY died? Answer me that, bastard life.
I'd rather slip into a coma for the rest of my life than do ANYTHING now. I'm a failure. And I'm always tired. No body likes me. I don't like me. I can't even call my own parents for comfort. They'll just make me feel worse. I'm so lonely and I feel helpless.
Having said all of that, I wouldn't wanna forget how broke and in debt I am. Our phone has been shut off for months because of how irresponsible and worthless I am. And every paycheck I say I'm gonna fix it and then I always end up not able to afford it.
I wanted to go to school to be a filmmaker, and now that's just a joke that everyone but me is laughing at. I've been in college for over 4 years and I have nothing to show for. I often dream of going back and starting over. Beggining with 9th grade. I'd do it all differently.
I fucking hate everything except for sleep, music, soda, cigarettes, and movies. How stupid is that? All I wanted was to get smart, get the fuck out of college, get a nice job, and get the hell out of this life I have now. I hate the idea of me having the job I have now for the rest of my life.
I'm gonna go cry and welcome death. Fuck.
I feel like my life ended and I'm walking through a bizarre excuse for hell. I flunked out of college again. Because of one class.
My final grade was a "B" in the one class that dragged me down, but due to 5 classes I missed my professor lowered my grade to a D. And for all the time I've wallowed on over this, it occurs to me that he has the right. 5 classes = 5 weeks. One class a week. But my final grade was supposed to be a B, goddammmmmit.
I'm sick of trying towards anything. I think about suicide, but that's a selfish cop-out. I do know that much. Besides, for all I know what comes after death for me is worse than this.
The worst part of where I'm at is dissappointing everyone that cares about me. What would be the difference between now and if I REALLY died? Answer me that, bastard life.
I'd rather slip into a coma for the rest of my life than do ANYTHING now. I'm a failure. And I'm always tired. No body likes me. I don't like me. I can't even call my own parents for comfort. They'll just make me feel worse. I'm so lonely and I feel helpless.
Having said all of that, I wouldn't wanna forget how broke and in debt I am. Our phone has been shut off for months because of how irresponsible and worthless I am. And every paycheck I say I'm gonna fix it and then I always end up not able to afford it.
I wanted to go to school to be a filmmaker, and now that's just a joke that everyone but me is laughing at. I've been in college for over 4 years and I have nothing to show for. I often dream of going back and starting over. Beggining with 9th grade. I'd do it all differently.
I fucking hate everything except for sleep, music, soda, cigarettes, and movies. How stupid is that? All I wanted was to get smart, get the fuck out of college, get a nice job, and get the hell out of this life I have now. I hate the idea of me having the job I have now for the rest of my life.
I'm gonna go cry and welcome death. Fuck.