we never wanted it to be this way...
just when i thought everything was going smoothly.. things were worked out between him and i and then all of a sudden it was something else. but it is always something else isnt it? its amazing how fast friendships can just.. disintegrate. all the memories flash before your eyes. its amazing. but then you realize that there is a reason for all this. and that maybe its for the best. but how can it be? your best friend... best friend. it just sounds weird. because of all that happened, and has happened in the past. you think, and hope that your friendship is strong enough to withhold all these things. and it usually is. why not this time? why did there even have to be a... this time...? but thats life. theres always going to be those times. they are virtually unavoidable. but this time could have been. it really had nothing to do with anyone else, so why were other people brought into it? its no one else's business, regardless if they are your best friend or not. it felt good to say how i felt though. i already went through something similar before. i know how it goes. its kind of like 5th grade all over again. the whole jealousy thing comes into play. i could really go with out that. but again, virtually unavoidable. what can you do though, especially when they dont want to talk about it... its just "fuck it" thats not how i want it to be... dont run away from it. because like they always say, you can run but you cant hide. there will always be those things that remind you. i wont be able to listen to certain songs, watch certain movies, do certain things without being reminded of you. and as much as i dont want to admit it, i wish we could just forget about this whole thing, and have everything go back to how it used to be. endless talks at night, beating the shit out of each other for fun, putting spices into every thing we eat, "just calling to say i love you"... i can go on forever. but the more i think about it the more i wish we could go back to those times. if everything happens for a reason, then what is the reason this time? i thought everything was going good... did you? but i keep thinking, i cant deal with this anymore, i have to much to worry about.. i dont need this from someone i call a best friend.. someone who i feel i can tell everything to, but there has to be something wrong when you are afraid to tell them something, with the fear that they might be angy with you, or freak out about it.. and if you choose not to tell them b.c of that, and they find out about it they freak b.c you dont tell them... so i cant win either way. i didnt want to tell you b.c i just figured you would care less... and when you found out shit got blown way out of proportion! but thats beside the point... i dont think its fair to either one of us, its no ones fault really. but like i said before, it wasnt anyones business but mine and his.. so why were you brought into it? it made things a lot more difficult! i guess thats all i can really say right now, i have so much on my mind its just hard to concentrate. so long and goodnight