Fic: Never Have I Ever
Title: Never Have I Ever
Characters: Tim, Bernard, Alfred, Jason, Cass, Steph, Damian, Dick, Babs
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Bernard's legs, drinking, pre-slash
Word Count: 2, 425
Author's Notes: Takes place in the What The Doctor Ordered universe. My god it took me forever to think of Never Have I Ever questions, I even played it last night! I just can't remember what was asked.
It was midnight by the time Tim and Damian returned home from patrol. There had been very little activity that night and Kathy had assured Tim her and Renee could take care of it so he had headed home. He knew that Dick had been planning some sort of celebration following Bernard's decision to move in with them so he had been eager to get home, if not to join in, at least to make sure that no one got carried away.
When he and Damian climbed out of the Batmobile Alfred was waiting for them, he sent Damian upstairs to shower and told him quite firmly that he was to go straight to bed after he was clean and dressed. Damian had protested, also aware of the celebrations, but Alfred won in the end. After Damian had sulked away angrily Alfred had turned to Tim with a smile.
"How's it going up there?" Tim asked as he peeled off the costume.
"Quite interesting so far, I believe they are partaking in some drinking games at the present," Alfred informed him and Tim suppressed the urge to run upstairs and drag Bernard away.
"This isn't going to end well is it?" Tim said tightly.
"Of course not Master Timothy, but I suspect it will be fun nonetheless," Alfred patted him comfortingly on the shoulder and headed to bed.
--------------------
Once Tim had showered and changed he left the Cave and headed up to search for his family.
"No way!" A surprised shout carried from the den.
"Yes way!" A female voice retaliated and Tim easily identified it as Steph.
"I can't believe you've never driven the Batmobile!" Another voice asked, clearly shocked.
"You should totally go drive it right now!" Someone slurred.
Tim pushed open the door to the den and observed his family; they had apparently raided all the rooms in the house in order to gather pillows and cushions, because the floor was littered with them. Empty pizza boxes and wine bottles were scattered on the table and everyone was perched on the floor with glasses of wine. No one turned to greet him when he entered, too caught up in staring shocked at Steph, who was pouting hilariously.
"No one is driving the Batmobile anywhere," Tim growled out, using his Batman tone.
Most of the room jumped, Jason covered it up by pretending to change positions. Dick smiled sheepishly at Tim and Tim figured he had been the one who suggested that Steph take the Batmobile out for a spin. Babs was perched on Dick's lap, scolding him for being ridiculous. Bernard looked a little shocked after Tim's sudden presence but was smiling at him gratefully. Cass and Steph were curled up together, Steph still looking annoyed and Cass looking indulgent. They were all in varying stages of drunkenness.
"Tim!" Dick cheered, "You decided to join us!"
"There wasn't much happening tonight, I figured I could be better use here making sure you behave yourself," Tim told him, as he made his away over to Bernard.
"I'm appalled Timothy, how could you ever suggest we would do anything but behave?" Dick teased and Babs ruffled his hair and told him to shush.
"Are they being nice?" Tim asked Bernard, ignoring Dick.
"Steph is trying to get me drunk," Bernard explained, looking dejectedly at his half empty glass of wine, "she's succeeding."
Tim took a moment to shoot a quick glare at Steph, who had a perfectly innocent expression on her face. He then sat down next to Bernard and grabbed a cold slice of pizza and a glass that had obviously been left for him. Once he started eating everyone seemed to relax.
"We're playing Never Have I Ever," Babs informed him.
"I'm losing," Dick told him, nodding sagely before bursting into giggles.
"Is he always like this when he's drunk?" Bernard whispered to Tim and Tim nodded.
"Anyway, it's my turn," Steph interrupted, holding her glass high.
"Go ahead then," Jason teased.
Steph paused thoughtfully, waving her glass around dramatically. Tim took the time to squeeze Bernard's hand, and he received a grateful smile in return.
"Okay, okay I have something!" Steph declared with a significant look at Tim, "Never have I ever cross-dressed."
Tim and Dick both glared at her angrily before taking a drink. Bernard was staring at him in horror.
"It was for justice!" Dick cried indignantly.
"You... you've what?" Bernard asked, staring directly at Tim.
"God Steph, I'm not nearly drunk enough for this," Tim scolded her before turning to Bernard, "when I was younger and needed to pass as an adult I had to use a female disguise."
"Really?" Bernard inquired further, his voice noticeably higher.
"Really, really," Dick cut in, grinning madly, "he cut a dashing figure in that little red dress."
Bernard, who had been staring at Tim intently, blushed visibly, causing the rest of the room to break out in laughter.
"Leave him alone, it's my turn now anyway," Tim spoke up.
"But you're not even drunk! You'll ask some lame question!" Steph pointed out but Cass quietened her.
"Never have I ever had sex on a rooftop," Tim stated with a smirk.
"No fair," Steph pouted as she took a drink, "just because you were Boy Virgin when you were dating anyone in the Cape community."
Cass, Jason and Dick all drank. Blushing, Bernard took a drink as well.
"Bernard! Tell us everything!" Steph squealed in delight.
"Well, you know how I mostly deal with superheroes?" Bernard mumbled into his drink.
"I thought you said you didn't sleep with patients," Tim reminded him.
"They weren't a patient anymore!" Bernard quickly reassured him.
"So who was it?" Babs asked with a wicked grin.
"I have a confidentiality clause with all my patients," Bernard said firmly.
"But you just said they weren't a patient anymore!" Dick cried in mock outrage.
Bernard coughed, "the point still stands."
"We'll find out when you're more drunk Dowd," Dick told him, "speaking of people not being drunk, I think we all need to work harder on getting little wing drunk, who's turn is it?"
"I'll go," Jason piped up, "Never have I ever kissed someone of the same sex."
Everyone in the room yelled, annoyed at Jason and took a drink.
"All of you but Jason have kissed someone of the same sex?" Bernard asked shocked, "what are the odds of almost an entire family being homosexual?"
"Stop psycho-analysing Bernard," Tim petted him on the head, "Obviously you and I, plus Cass and Steph, Dick is just a slut and Babs had a fling with Black Canary."
"I wonder whether it has to do with the way you were raised or maybe it's your involvement in the superhero community," Bernard mused.
"Stop it blondie," Jason told him as Steph threw a pillow.
"Right, I've got something," Babs spoke up in order to distract Steph from her tirade at Bernard.
---------------
An hour later, Tim was feeling lightheaded and the rest of the party were drunk. Steph and Cass had become more intertwined as the night went on and Tim was lying sprawled over Bernard, who was petting his hair lazily. Dick had just taken his turn.
"My turn again," Cass said as they put their drinks back down, she was grinning smugly, "Never have I ever, worn shortpants."
Half the room cried out in annoyance, and everyone but Bernard and Cass took a drink. Steph was blushing as she looked at Tim and Babs was blushing as Dick pulled her into a tight hug. Once everyone had taken a drink, they turned to Bernard.
"So, Tim hasn't made you wear the shortpants yet?" Dick slurred, causing Steph to choke on her drink.
"I said I wouldn't wear the shortpants, ever," Bernard said firmly, "Tim; remember when I told you I wouldn't be wearing the shortpants? I'm not wearing shortpants."
"Oh now that's just a challenge," Jason smirked.
"Good idea Jason! Who has a spare pair of shortpants lying around?" Steph asked, laughing.
"There is no way I am wearing shortpants, I refuse!" Bernard shouted, "Tim, stop them."
Tim smiled rakishly at Bernard and the rest of the group burst into laughter again.
"I think they'd suit you," he drawled and Bernard blushed.
"Oh no, no, not happening," Bernard insisted.
Most of them were already standing; Dick had sat Babs on the lounge and disappeared into another room. Jason and Steph descended on Bernard, draping their arms around his shoulders in order to keep him still. Cass walked over to Tim and bumped her hip against his.
"If you do this I'll personally announce your identities on national television," Bernard threatened as Dick returned with a pair of shortpants.
"I doubt that," Dick told him, "Steph, if you'll do the honours."
"What!" Bernard cried as Steph moved to his pants, "at least let me go get changed in another room!"
Steph stopped and looked at Tim, who nodded. She and Jason let Bernard go.
"Come on, you can change in the DVD room," Dick said, opening a door which led to a small store room filled with shelves of DVDs, "there's only one door so you can't escape."
Bernard frowned dramatically and snatched the shortpants off Dick. He slammed the door behind him and the rest of the group burst into laughter.
"He's going to hate us all forever isn't he?" Tim pondered and Dick ruffled his hair.
"I'm sure you can make it up to him," Dick teased.
Tim grinned hazily and they laughed again. They all instantly quietened when they heard the door knob turn.
Bernard stood in the doorway, his shirt tugged down over his legs, blushing furiously. Steph wolf whistled and ran over to him.
"Gotta let us see!" She proclaimed, standing behind Bernard and pulling his shirt up just enough to uncover the shortpants.
Tim made a low, growling sort of noise and everyone turned to see him staring hungrily at Bernard.
"I think that's our cue to leave!" Dick told everyone and they nodded in agreement.
Dick returned to the couch and lifted Babs into a princess carry, she hit him in outrage but allowed him to hold her. Cass dragged Steph away by her wrists, tugging firmly as Steph trailed slowly to smirk at Bernard. Jason left last, raising an eyebrow at Tim, who only grinned in return.
"I can't believe Dick and Jason wore this to fight crime," Bernard joked lightly, his head turned away from Tim.
"Mmmm, looks good though" Tim said huskily.
Bernard looked up to meet Tim's eyes and his response died on his lips. Tim was watching him eagerly and when he met Bernard's eyes he started to stalk forwards. Tim reached him quickly; standing inches away from Bernard he dipped his head to press a passionate kiss to Bernard's lips.
"You're drunk," Bernard protested feebly when they pulled apart.
"So are you," Tim countered as he gripped Bernard's hips.
"Fair point," Bernard conceded.
Tim ground against Bernard, who bit off a moan and moved to take off Tim's shirt.
"Should I be worried about your obsession with these shortpants?" Bernard asked.
Tim shut him up with a kiss. Hands still on Bernard's hips, he angled him towards the couch, pressing Bernard backwards.
"And I'm not just saying this in a professional manner, I mean, as your boyfriend, could this be a possible indication of a lingering affection towards Dick?" Bernard continued and Tim groaned.
"Why are you so coherent?" Tim asked in annoyance.
"Because I can handle my liquor," Bernard replied as his knees hit the back of the couch.
"I'll just have to find another way," Tim mused.
He lowered Bernard onto the couch, standing over him for a moment, eyes trailing over Bernard's bare legs.
"You should know by now I'm almost impossible to shut u-UP," Bernard gasped out the last word as Tim bit his neck.
"Less talk, more naked," Tim growled out.
Bernard gulped and nodded. Tim tugged Bernard's shirt up and over his head and threw it aside. Tim pressed against Bernard and Bernard’s finger scrambled over Tim’s back. As Tim turned his attention to Bernard’s neck, Bernard fumbled at Tim’s pants, undoing the zip and letting Tim shimmy out of them.
“OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?” A shriek interrupted them and both Tim and Bernard tumbled off the couch in shock.
When they looked up Damian was standing at the entrance to the living room, he was in his pyjamas and had clearly been half asleep before he had stumbled upon them.
“Don’t you have a room or something?” Damian hissed angrily before stalking away.
Bernard blinked at Tim who stared back in shock for a moment before they both burst into laughter. Tim stood up and helped Bernard up.
“He has a point, c’mon,” Tim instructed with a little shove of Bernard.
As they made their way to Tim’s room, Tim spanked Bernard once or twice, causing Bernard to twirl around and capture Tim’s mouth with his own.
When they reached Tim’s room, Bernard was pushed roughly inside and back onto the bed. Bernard lay sprawled there as Tim eyed him hungrily.
“I think I owe Dick my first born child,” Tim muttered as his eyes raked over Bernard’s bare chest and legs.
Tim licked his lips and stalked towards Bernard. Bernard couldn’t help but thank Dick either.
--------------------
Dick carefully opened Tim’s door and peeked into the room. Bernard and Tim were tangled together in the sheets. The shortpants were lying at the edge of the bed. Tim had heard the door opened and opened his eyes, glaring blearily at Dick. Dick smiled, waved and shut the door.
He turned to the gathering of people that were waiting behind him.
“I don’t think I’m getting those shorts back,” he deadpanned.
The group behind him broke into sniggering laughs until Alfred appeared at the end of the hall, glaring at them. They all ran off into their various rooms as he walked towards them. Alfred opened the door to Tim’s room just as quietly as Dick, he walked into the room and met Tim’s eyes. Tim smiled lazily and Alfred deposited the tray of breakfast he had been carrying.
When the door closed behind Alfred Tim smiled and turned to Bernard. He pressed a kiss to Bernard’s hair and pulled him closer. His eyes drifted to the shortpants at the end of the bed and he decided that next time he could wear them for Bernard.