I'm about to be 29 and I've struggled with depression pretty much since I hit adolescence, although it took me until 18 to be diagnosed. I think....these things come and go. I've had entire years that I felt more 'normal' and things have come more easily. I've had months and months where just getting out of bed and feeding myself seemed like about all I could do.
When 19 and 20 went pretty well I thought I was 'fixed'. I was in denial when the next wave of bad hit and nearly didn't finish my undergrad degree. I did, and finished grad school, although I ended up taking time off before I finished.
On bad days I tell myself those stumbles must mean I am a failure as a human being. Although logically, NO. I have a professional degree and a professional license. Aside from that, I have a marriage that has lasted 7 years. Multiple friendships that have lasted over a decade, even when distance has separated us. That's not failure!
I've seen in some circles people who live with mental illness talking about 'being in remission'. It's a pat phrase, but it feels pretty right to me. Sometimes there's not an apparent rhyme or reason when cancer comes back. Sometimes doctors can point to a trigger, with some confidence. So it goes with mental health as well.
It can and does get better. If things get bad again, it doesn't mean you lose all the good days you had, or that you won't have good days again.
I hope you are finding and developing resources to help support you, during rough times. Whether it be a relationship with a health professional, taking up meditation, joining a club, talking with a friend you trust, or something else none of the above. Whatever works for you.
I hope none of that came off trite or condescending. This has been an overall shit year for me, emotionally. Things are beginning to look up. So, this is both shared pain and some optimism talking.
Started feeling it around age 13, diagnosed with major depressive disorder at 14, rediagnosed with bipolar disorder at 19. Now I'm 29 and it's a pre-existing medical condition that my health insurance won't cover. Though, really, after my last stint in the hospital I'm not overwhelmed with faith in modern medicine, so perhaps it doesn't matter.
On some days there is hope; it buzzes in the air like a tangible thing and I can smile. (I smile a lot, really, all things considered, and perhaps this isn't a sign of anything.) On other days, though, it is so alien a concept as to be incomprehensible. I wake every morning without knowledge of which day today will be like. Perhaps tomorrow it will be better, but I can never say for the next day. That uncertainty can be hard. Is hard. Maybe tomorrow I'll figure it out, find a way to cope with it. A whole life built on maybes... if it feels fragile, it's because it is.
If you decide you do need health insurance that covers your mental health stuff - due to the recent health care act, every state is now required to offer insurance to people who have been denied coverage due to pre-existing conditions. It's supposed to tide people over until the requirement kicks in for all plans. I don't know how high premiums and deductibles may be.
Also, you might want to call your insurance company and see if they have changed their tune. The insurance at my husband's work no longer denies coverage based on pre-existing conditions, even though in Massachusetts they can deny coverage for 6 months. Probably in some sort of PR effort to keep people from taking switching to the state programs.
Being in one of the worst states for healthcare myself (Texas), I'm not going to hold my breath. But even if I had access to it, it's such a minefield. In my experience there's a very careful path to tread with healthcare professionals, where you have to present yourself in such a way as that you need help, but at the same time hold back because you don't want to go from "try this new medicine" to "what you really need is some time in the hospital." The last I have done both with and without my consent, and this last, I suspect, has engendered some long-term distrust of the medical profession.
I am trying to sort out health insurance right now, though, and if I actually manage to do it, I suppose I'll see where the wind takes me.
When 19 and 20 went pretty well I thought I was 'fixed'. I was in denial when the next wave of bad hit and nearly didn't finish my undergrad degree. I did, and finished grad school, although I ended up taking time off before I finished.
On bad days I tell myself those stumbles must mean I am a failure as a human being. Although logically, NO. I have a professional degree and a professional license. Aside from that, I have a marriage that has lasted 7 years. Multiple friendships that have lasted over a decade, even when distance has separated us. That's not failure!
I've seen in some circles people who live with mental illness talking about 'being in remission'. It's a pat phrase, but it feels pretty right to me. Sometimes there's not an apparent rhyme or reason when cancer comes back. Sometimes doctors can point to a trigger, with some confidence. So it goes with mental health as well.
It can and does get better. If things get bad again, it doesn't mean you lose all the good days you had, or that you won't have good days again.
I hope you are finding and developing resources to help support you, during rough times. Whether it be a relationship with a health professional, taking up meditation, joining a club, talking with a friend you trust, or something else none of the above. Whatever works for you.
I hope none of that came off trite or condescending. This has been an overall shit year for me, emotionally. Things are beginning to look up. So, this is both shared pain and some optimism talking.
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On some days there is hope; it buzzes in the air like a tangible thing and I can smile. (I smile a lot, really, all things considered, and perhaps this isn't a sign of anything.) On other days, though, it is so alien a concept as to be incomprehensible. I wake every morning without knowledge of which day today will be like. Perhaps tomorrow it will be better, but I can never say for the next day. That uncertainty can be hard. Is hard. Maybe tomorrow I'll figure it out, find a way to cope with it. A whole life built on maybes... if it feels fragile, it's because it is.
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Also, you might want to call your insurance company and see if they have changed their tune. The insurance at my husband's work no longer denies coverage based on pre-existing conditions, even though in Massachusetts they can deny coverage for 6 months. Probably in some sort of PR effort to keep people from taking switching to the state programs.
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I am trying to sort out health insurance right now, though, and if I actually manage to do it, I suppose I'll see where the wind takes me.
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