unsurprisingly, I wrote most of this in my head on the plane over here
a brief period of turbulence
ladies and gentlemen, please remain calm.
this is nothing more than a reminder
that the oversized metal box
to which you have entrusted the continuation
of your single precious and all too mortal life
is being hurled through the air at unimaginable speeds,
held countless miles above foreign surfaces
by some obscure laws of physics
in which you have never really believed.
you will notice that the captain has switched on the seatbelt sign;
the toilets on board may no longer be used.
please remain in your seats
sedating your nerves with complimentary drinks,
and with your seatbelt fastened
low and tight across your bladder.
our crew is here for your convenience
and to prove the plausibility of wobbling one's way
up and down the forbidden aisles
in three-inch heels. their smiles
will remain sunny even in direst straits,
and should therefore not be used
as an indicator of safety.
should oxygen masks be required,
tachypnoea is frowned upon:
please conduct your respiration
with the decorum fitting a world traveller
to whom a trifling indication that the air itself is unsafe
is hardly a reason to breathe faster.
in the event of an emergency landing at sea,
please adopt whatever position best serves
to instill a sense of blind hope.
the light on your lifejacket is activated by water
and has a battery life of approximately two hours longer
than the time it will take for hypothermia to set in.
once in the lifeboats,
those of you who brought your laptops
despite our explicit instructions
to leave all possessions behind
will be turned upon
and eaten first.
we do thank you for your patience at this time.
ladies and gentlemen, please remain calm.
this is nothing more than a reminder
that the oversized metal box
to which you have entrusted the continuation
of your single precious and all too mortal life
is being hurled through the air at unimaginable speeds,
held countless miles above foreign surfaces
by some obscure laws of physics
in which you have never really believed.
you will notice that the captain has switched on the seatbelt sign;
the toilets on board may no longer be used.
please remain in your seats
sedating your nerves with complimentary drinks,
and with your seatbelt fastened
low and tight across your bladder.
our crew is here for your convenience
and to prove the plausibility of wobbling one's way
up and down the forbidden aisles
in three-inch heels. their smiles
will remain sunny even in direst straits,
and should therefore not be used
as an indicator of safety.
should oxygen masks be required,
tachypnoea is frowned upon:
please conduct your respiration
with the decorum fitting a world traveller
to whom a trifling indication that the air itself is unsafe
is hardly a reason to breathe faster.
in the event of an emergency landing at sea,
please adopt whatever position best serves
to instill a sense of blind hope.
the light on your lifejacket is activated by water
and has a battery life of approximately two hours longer
than the time it will take for hypothermia to set in.
once in the lifeboats,
those of you who brought your laptops
despite our explicit instructions
to leave all possessions behind
will be turned upon
and eaten first.
we do thank you for your patience at this time.