The stuff between Susan and Ryan seems a little forced. Perhaps it would have been better to leave it as an unrequited crush on Ryan's part, or find a way to make it more natural. I'm usually a fan of the annoyance-turning-to-grudging-admiration-and-maybe-attraction thing, which I think would be more in character for Susan, but this story kinda moved too fast for anything like that to properly develop.
Regarding mechanics (because I nitpick, I can't help it), spaces between paragraphs, rather than just new lines, make things easier to read.
Okay, concrit over. Now for the fun part.
There was no...this boy was... Ryan had no foreskin! Oh god, I can't help it, the word "foreskin" makes me laugh uncontrollably.
Ryan muttered something, and turned pink. Susan wasn’t quite sure she’d heard it right, but she didn’t ask him to repeat it, because she was afraid he’d said something like, “And you have very nice knickers.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
“That’s me. Poise and Rationality.” “Poisoned rationality?” I love you.
So yeah, keep writing crack, because you've definitely got the sense of humor for it.
I'd suggest you read a lot of books with Susan in them. Aside with helping you write her if you ever decide to do so again, it'll just be fun. =D If I remember correctly, she's in both Hogfather and Reaper Man, which are two of my (many) favorites.
Yeah, that's how I originally heard it, which is why I loved that.
Thanks. I've read Hogfather (own it) and I'm actually currently reading Reaper Man at the moment. She's in Soul Music as well though, but I won't give away the plot. :) And Thief of Time as well, which I own. I just have a hard time writing someone so practical. :)
Ah, ok. I remembered she was in Thief of Time, but I don't think I ever finished that one; it confused the hell out of me and fell by the wayside. Should try that one again. And reread some others. And read the ones I haven't yet. Jeez, there's only so much time in the world....
Oh, one thing I forgot to mention is that I love the way you wrote Brendon, how he's just completely cool with the fact that "Ryan" is suddenly into him.
Thanks. :) Yeah, I kinda have this idea of Brendon as being pretty open-minded and just kind of going with the flow on things, willing to try out new stuff or whatever.
I love Thief of Time, but then I'm doing stuff on time for my MA dissertation, so I've been reading a lot of stuff on it anyway.
Regarding mechanics (because I nitpick, I can't help it), spaces between paragraphs, rather than just new lines, make things easier to read.
Okay, concrit over. Now for the fun part.
There was no...this boy was... Ryan had no foreskin! Oh god, I can't help it, the word "foreskin" makes me laugh uncontrollably.
Ryan muttered something, and turned pink. Susan wasn’t quite sure she’d heard it right, but she didn’t ask him to repeat it, because she was afraid he’d said something like, “And you have very nice knickers.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
“That’s me. Poise and Rationality.”
“Poisoned rationality?”
I love you.
So yeah, keep writing crack, because you've definitely got the sense of humor for it.
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I couldn't resist the poisoned rationality, as I hear it that way everytime I listen to the song.
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Yeah, that's how I originally heard it, which is why I loved that.
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Oh, one thing I forgot to mention is that I love the way you wrote Brendon, how he's just completely cool with the fact that "Ryan" is suddenly into him.
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I love Thief of Time, but then I'm doing stuff on time for my MA dissertation, so I've been reading a lot of stuff on it anyway.
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