Fuck this shit
I'm back in my parents' house and it is again just as awful as I remember. As I expected, their marriage is still based on avoiding each other at every point they have to interact with one another.
And I scramble to find any work.
And get my disability paperwork in order hoping I qualify for something. Especially monetary compensation.
I'm pretty much ticked off every day. I throw angry messages at people or I think about throwing angry messages at the assholes who led me here. Sitting in my teenage bed writing a blog entry at 2 a.m. as I'm about to turn 30 next year with few things to show for it.
I only sent off two angry bitchy messages today. Not bad for a night's PTSD triggers. Maybe I'll get threatened to be sent into anger management like I did on the boat when I complained about being felt up, groped, and generally treated like a faggy piece of meat.
I must be in a super pissy mood. I opened the jug from downstairs. That jug of Livingston Merlot was calling my name for days. I feel more relaxed.
I got a kind of a crappy haircut today. Definitely not going back to the Hair Cuttery in Huntingdon Valley.
I'm not sure what it is I want. I feel like I'm really lonely and I wanna have sex but I feel ugly. I feel lost and I wanna make money and I'm willing to work a job I don't like again but I'm sad as well that I'll probably never get to where I want to be in life.
I am ... Really, really depressed.
All the time.
Ceccarelli ignores me. Today on Facebook it was the one-year anniversary of knowing him on social media and it was such a downer. Knowing that someone who was briefly interested in you and he ignores you now because you got all creepy around him. Probably the only guy I met in the whole of the submarine force who was worth knowing. Now if he only weren't so closety at work, we'd have probably gotten along better. We were such different philosophies on being gay at work in the 2010s. We'll probably never see each other again.
How did it all go so wrong? I wanted so badly to do something right with my life and ended up crashing and burning. It went from acceptable to bad to worse to shitty to terrible to unacceptable to unbearable and unraveling in 2 years.
This is going to be a problem the military never solves. I'm sure of it. The reform has to come from the outside. If it comes from within, it's a distraction.
What to do? I pray that a job calls me back soon.
I use pray figuratively. I have a theadbare belief in the existence of any higher power.
And if he exists, he's writing me up for sexual assault for touching myself.
What a dick.
And I scramble to find any work.
And get my disability paperwork in order hoping I qualify for something. Especially monetary compensation.
I'm pretty much ticked off every day. I throw angry messages at people or I think about throwing angry messages at the assholes who led me here. Sitting in my teenage bed writing a blog entry at 2 a.m. as I'm about to turn 30 next year with few things to show for it.
I only sent off two angry bitchy messages today. Not bad for a night's PTSD triggers. Maybe I'll get threatened to be sent into anger management like I did on the boat when I complained about being felt up, groped, and generally treated like a faggy piece of meat.
I must be in a super pissy mood. I opened the jug from downstairs. That jug of Livingston Merlot was calling my name for days. I feel more relaxed.
I got a kind of a crappy haircut today. Definitely not going back to the Hair Cuttery in Huntingdon Valley.
I'm not sure what it is I want. I feel like I'm really lonely and I wanna have sex but I feel ugly. I feel lost and I wanna make money and I'm willing to work a job I don't like again but I'm sad as well that I'll probably never get to where I want to be in life.
I am ... Really, really depressed.
All the time.
Ceccarelli ignores me. Today on Facebook it was the one-year anniversary of knowing him on social media and it was such a downer. Knowing that someone who was briefly interested in you and he ignores you now because you got all creepy around him. Probably the only guy I met in the whole of the submarine force who was worth knowing. Now if he only weren't so closety at work, we'd have probably gotten along better. We were such different philosophies on being gay at work in the 2010s. We'll probably never see each other again.
How did it all go so wrong? I wanted so badly to do something right with my life and ended up crashing and burning. It went from acceptable to bad to worse to shitty to terrible to unacceptable to unbearable and unraveling in 2 years.
This is going to be a problem the military never solves. I'm sure of it. The reform has to come from the outside. If it comes from within, it's a distraction.
What to do? I pray that a job calls me back soon.
I use pray figuratively. I have a theadbare belief in the existence of any higher power.
And if he exists, he's writing me up for sexual assault for touching myself.
What a dick.