Life, Guilt and Hope
This week has been...strange.
Our new shared boyfriend, Jason (goldenboy), was in for most of the week, but goes home today. We probably won't get to see him again until after the holidays, but that may actually work out in everyone's favor, since it gives us all time to digest everything that's been happening.
Wednesday morning was hellish. I found out that, after all the aid, loans and scholarship money, I still need about $6,000.00 for the semester. Naturally, this induced a bit of a panic attack, since there's is no way for me to have done that without some serious help.
Yesterday, Eric pretty much offered that help.
See, there's a five-month payment plan option, which would require me to pay about $1200 each month. I bring home about $1400/mo. Paying rent, bills and phone would preclude me being able to do that. So, yesterday, Eric, Topher and I sat down and planned things out. I won't be paying rent or bills. Instead, I will take care of the $90/mo storage space, put $50 to the phone bill, and put just about everything else I have into school. Essentially, I become their dependent for the semester.
This is, of course, temporary. I will be getting in-state rates starting in Fall, and the library will be helping to pay for that. With the scholarship, the library reimbursement and loans, I won't be having this trouble after Spring is over. However, if I wait until Fall, I lose the scholarship entirely, so I have to go now, or I'll lose what little ground I've gained.
The gratitude I feel for the people in my life is almost overwhelming. Once again, I'm kept from falling too far by the good graces of people who barely know me. First there was Hope, letting me live with her and Shawna when I didn't even have a job yet, on faith that I would do so quickly. Then Arthur (albeit briefly), letting me crash for that brief period when I didn't have a home; followed quickly by Karen, who put up with the last vestiges of my childhood as I struggled to cast them off without losing myself to cynicism and banality.
Even Brittany and Chelsea had to put up with me rattling the cage bars, convinced that moving back to Buffalo was nothing if not a terrible mistake (it wasn't, but came close to becoming so). It wasn't their fault, but I'm sure they were sick of me pretty quickly. I suppose that's the theme, here. I always see myself as someone to be put up with, terribly aware of my neediness, flaws and idiosyncrasies; unable to do much about it except promise to do better and hope I can make good. Well, here goes. Once again I will be suffered to struggle, hell bent on bettering myself, at the expense of those around me.
I will work hard, and work more; I will throw myself into it, and remind myself when I lag that there is no way to do this with anything less than the full force of my will, and anything less will render the faith, friendship, love and support of everyone who's ever given me a chance meaningless. Here's where I get to make good, to show that my gratitude is not some meaningless platitude; my life not a showcase of failures. Here's where I disappear into it, knowing that if I don't push through it, I'm done: I will not get another chance like this.
So, thank you to everyone who's ever helped me, put up with me, or suffered me to call them friend. I have been an arrogant, pompous bastard; delusional, childish and convinced of my own importance. Sorry about that, all. I can't promise never to impose again, but I can tell you it was always appreciated, and I haven't forgotten the least of my trespasses. Someday, with luck and will, I'll redeem myself against every one of them.
Our new shared boyfriend, Jason (goldenboy), was in for most of the week, but goes home today. We probably won't get to see him again until after the holidays, but that may actually work out in everyone's favor, since it gives us all time to digest everything that's been happening.
Wednesday morning was hellish. I found out that, after all the aid, loans and scholarship money, I still need about $6,000.00 for the semester. Naturally, this induced a bit of a panic attack, since there's is no way for me to have done that without some serious help.
Yesterday, Eric pretty much offered that help.
See, there's a five-month payment plan option, which would require me to pay about $1200 each month. I bring home about $1400/mo. Paying rent, bills and phone would preclude me being able to do that. So, yesterday, Eric, Topher and I sat down and planned things out. I won't be paying rent or bills. Instead, I will take care of the $90/mo storage space, put $50 to the phone bill, and put just about everything else I have into school. Essentially, I become their dependent for the semester.
This is, of course, temporary. I will be getting in-state rates starting in Fall, and the library will be helping to pay for that. With the scholarship, the library reimbursement and loans, I won't be having this trouble after Spring is over. However, if I wait until Fall, I lose the scholarship entirely, so I have to go now, or I'll lose what little ground I've gained.
The gratitude I feel for the people in my life is almost overwhelming. Once again, I'm kept from falling too far by the good graces of people who barely know me. First there was Hope, letting me live with her and Shawna when I didn't even have a job yet, on faith that I would do so quickly. Then Arthur (albeit briefly), letting me crash for that brief period when I didn't have a home; followed quickly by Karen, who put up with the last vestiges of my childhood as I struggled to cast them off without losing myself to cynicism and banality.
Even Brittany and Chelsea had to put up with me rattling the cage bars, convinced that moving back to Buffalo was nothing if not a terrible mistake (it wasn't, but came close to becoming so). It wasn't their fault, but I'm sure they were sick of me pretty quickly. I suppose that's the theme, here. I always see myself as someone to be put up with, terribly aware of my neediness, flaws and idiosyncrasies; unable to do much about it except promise to do better and hope I can make good. Well, here goes. Once again I will be suffered to struggle, hell bent on bettering myself, at the expense of those around me.
I will work hard, and work more; I will throw myself into it, and remind myself when I lag that there is no way to do this with anything less than the full force of my will, and anything less will render the faith, friendship, love and support of everyone who's ever given me a chance meaningless. Here's where I get to make good, to show that my gratitude is not some meaningless platitude; my life not a showcase of failures. Here's where I disappear into it, knowing that if I don't push through it, I'm done: I will not get another chance like this.
So, thank you to everyone who's ever helped me, put up with me, or suffered me to call them friend. I have been an arrogant, pompous bastard; delusional, childish and convinced of my own importance. Sorry about that, all. I can't promise never to impose again, but I can tell you it was always appreciated, and I haven't forgotten the least of my trespasses. Someday, with luck and will, I'll redeem myself against every one of them.