(no subject)
i haven't written here in months... i don't even check my friends page anymore. i feel like i've abandoned an old friend. i've had this lj since i was a senior in high school. i'm such a different person than i was then. perhaps more frightening is how similar i am.
i just woke up from what i would consider a nightmare. its been the third night in a row. i am not chased or scared; i'm sad. the dreams have all be deeply warped nostalgic visits to my past. i have never been one to hold back my dislike of living in florida or my desire to live elsewhere, but for some reason, those feeling have welled up so strongly lately that i keep dreaming about it. it leaves me feeling sad, anxious, and uncomfortable.
this semester is starting quite poorly. in fact, this is probably my worst start ever. i'm at a loss as to why. the classes i am taking are not markedly more difficult than any others i've taken in the past. my work load is not that much more than it has been in the past either. and yet here i stand at the brink of thinking that i may have to repeat a class this summer. however, its still early, and i'm not giving up quite yet. regardless, its been taking an emotional toll. its tough.
between work, school, studying and my various responsibilities with my volunteer jobs, i have been putting in about 60 solid hours a week. easily. maybe i'm just burning out, but i feel a little disappointed and discouraged if that is all my body can handle. 60 hours? that's it? maybe its because its split between doing thing i enjoy (hospital and clinic work) and things that i don't enjoy (school and work).i never feel tired while i am at the clinic or at the hospital (unless i'm watching a lap chole which have the distinction of being able to put me to sleep standing up).
in fact, i got a little worried because i've been unnaturally tired. i fall asleep just about every time i sit down. in class, on the train, at work, at the library. as previously mentioned, i even fall asleep standing up. barring the possibility of having been in contact with a tse tse fly, i figured, i must have something wrong with me! i tried eating more protein, sleeping more during the night, waking up at the same time every day, eating more/eating less, caffeine pills. everything. people suggested i suffered from thyroid problems, mono, anemia, all sorts of possibility. medicine offered...nothing. there is nothing wrong with me. its "psychological" which in medical-ese means we can't find anything empirically wrong with you even though we only took a limited number of tests, so clearly the symptoms you feel must be psycho-somatic b/c medicine is always right. this is just more reinforcement as to why medicine is not the field for me. surgery on the other hand requires so much less of this half-assery. there is so much less grey involved.
alright, i'm done with my bitching i promise, aside from the school issues that i am working on, everything else is going well.
i am still loving being at the hospital. i've managed to maintain my once a week in the OR opportunity despite having class. although its only for a couple of hours, its definitely better than nothing. the ER has been exceedingly busy. not overwhemingly so, but just enough to make me actually work for the time i am there, which i enjoy. nothing too exciting has been coming in, just the usual chest pain, abdominal pain, shortness of breath, falls, lacerations, and random limb pain, but i do learn some stuff... more about the social dynamics of the ER than actual medicine but its something, and i love the patient interaction i do get to get.
the clinic is going incredibly well. i'm starting to gain a lot of responsibility which is good and bad. i ran a clinic alone a couple of weeks back which was both exciting and frightening. i don't get along very well with one of the other volunteers so she bailed on me which didn't surprise me. it would have surprised me more if she had been mature enough to put aside our differences and actually been responsible. so it was a little bit of a trail by fire since i was on my own to both triage the patients and run the front desk for about a half hour. i like pressure, and thankfully, it worked out well. once the doctors came in, and the necessary translators, we were done in about 2 hours. it was a flawless night. thankfully. even though i do not intend to open a practice, being a doctor does not just entail practicing medicine. it entails essentially running a business. for those doctors that do open practices, its about having a staff, advertising, insurance, billing, etc etc etc. in fact, the many successful doctors have gone back to get their MBAs. part of the allure of trauma surgery for me is the lack of all those things. i don't want to worry about a practice or an office or which patients to see. still, even then though, you are required to manage a staff, and deal with the ever increasing and ridiculously annoying paperwork involved. being a doctor is not just saving lives; its also dictating everything you did, writing it down, communicating what you did and what you want done to about 4 different people, maintaining charts, and getting everyone on board. of course there will be times when there are personality conflicts (like i have with the other volunteer), and i think this is especially true for women, but you just have to persevere. and i did. and i'm glad.
alright well my cat is going crazy so i better pay attention to him... hope all is well with everyone still out there <3
i just woke up from what i would consider a nightmare. its been the third night in a row. i am not chased or scared; i'm sad. the dreams have all be deeply warped nostalgic visits to my past. i have never been one to hold back my dislike of living in florida or my desire to live elsewhere, but for some reason, those feeling have welled up so strongly lately that i keep dreaming about it. it leaves me feeling sad, anxious, and uncomfortable.
this semester is starting quite poorly. in fact, this is probably my worst start ever. i'm at a loss as to why. the classes i am taking are not markedly more difficult than any others i've taken in the past. my work load is not that much more than it has been in the past either. and yet here i stand at the brink of thinking that i may have to repeat a class this summer. however, its still early, and i'm not giving up quite yet. regardless, its been taking an emotional toll. its tough.
between work, school, studying and my various responsibilities with my volunteer jobs, i have been putting in about 60 solid hours a week. easily. maybe i'm just burning out, but i feel a little disappointed and discouraged if that is all my body can handle. 60 hours? that's it? maybe its because its split between doing thing i enjoy (hospital and clinic work) and things that i don't enjoy (school and work).i never feel tired while i am at the clinic or at the hospital (unless i'm watching a lap chole which have the distinction of being able to put me to sleep standing up).
in fact, i got a little worried because i've been unnaturally tired. i fall asleep just about every time i sit down. in class, on the train, at work, at the library. as previously mentioned, i even fall asleep standing up. barring the possibility of having been in contact with a tse tse fly, i figured, i must have something wrong with me! i tried eating more protein, sleeping more during the night, waking up at the same time every day, eating more/eating less, caffeine pills. everything. people suggested i suffered from thyroid problems, mono, anemia, all sorts of possibility. medicine offered...nothing. there is nothing wrong with me. its "psychological" which in medical-ese means we can't find anything empirically wrong with you even though we only took a limited number of tests, so clearly the symptoms you feel must be psycho-somatic b/c medicine is always right. this is just more reinforcement as to why medicine is not the field for me. surgery on the other hand requires so much less of this half-assery. there is so much less grey involved.
alright, i'm done with my bitching i promise, aside from the school issues that i am working on, everything else is going well.
i am still loving being at the hospital. i've managed to maintain my once a week in the OR opportunity despite having class. although its only for a couple of hours, its definitely better than nothing. the ER has been exceedingly busy. not overwhemingly so, but just enough to make me actually work for the time i am there, which i enjoy. nothing too exciting has been coming in, just the usual chest pain, abdominal pain, shortness of breath, falls, lacerations, and random limb pain, but i do learn some stuff... more about the social dynamics of the ER than actual medicine but its something, and i love the patient interaction i do get to get.
the clinic is going incredibly well. i'm starting to gain a lot of responsibility which is good and bad. i ran a clinic alone a couple of weeks back which was both exciting and frightening. i don't get along very well with one of the other volunteers so she bailed on me which didn't surprise me. it would have surprised me more if she had been mature enough to put aside our differences and actually been responsible. so it was a little bit of a trail by fire since i was on my own to both triage the patients and run the front desk for about a half hour. i like pressure, and thankfully, it worked out well. once the doctors came in, and the necessary translators, we were done in about 2 hours. it was a flawless night. thankfully. even though i do not intend to open a practice, being a doctor does not just entail practicing medicine. it entails essentially running a business. for those doctors that do open practices, its about having a staff, advertising, insurance, billing, etc etc etc. in fact, the many successful doctors have gone back to get their MBAs. part of the allure of trauma surgery for me is the lack of all those things. i don't want to worry about a practice or an office or which patients to see. still, even then though, you are required to manage a staff, and deal with the ever increasing and ridiculously annoying paperwork involved. being a doctor is not just saving lives; its also dictating everything you did, writing it down, communicating what you did and what you want done to about 4 different people, maintaining charts, and getting everyone on board. of course there will be times when there are personality conflicts (like i have with the other volunteer), and i think this is especially true for women, but you just have to persevere. and i did. and i'm glad.
alright well my cat is going crazy so i better pay attention to him... hope all is well with everyone still out there <3