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i don't know really who to call in the middle of the night. if i was really concerned, really in trouble, sure, i would bother folks. i know that there are plenty of you who would encourage it.
but i don't know who to turn to, or what to do, about my sister.
she's not drinking again like she used to.
no more handles from dawn to dusk.
but the fact that she's drinking just about every night again isn't any less unsettling.
hearing her drunk, belligerent voice on the phone just reminds me of freshman year, getting calls from her at two in the afternoon, trashed, about to crash for five hours before going to work, still drunk. that tone of voice, muffled slightly by the phone's vibrations, sends me flashbacks of watching kevin shove her into a door, throw her into the shower. her body, only covered by a suit jacket, his bare ass. flashbacks of her drunken, tearful confusion, ten minutes after the fact. she didn't know why she tried to hit him. she didn't remember that she had even tried. why had they fought again? why did he leave her?
she has goals now, again, for the first time in years. goals that she's carrying out. or that she was planning to. i'm worried that since andy passed, her goals will get pushed back in favor of clinging to his memory, clinging to anything familiar or slightly comforting. she's already mentioned that it's crossed her mind to stay in bloomington longer.
how can i explain to her that i think that she needs to go back to aa? how can i tell her that her lifestyle doesn't seem to be able to even include drinking casually? that i'm worried about her? that since last spring break, being around drunk people, however lovely, (unless i'm tipsy enough myself to feel more relaxed) almost sends me into panic attacks?
maybe i'm over-reacting. it's friday night, who isn't out drinking? even i had a beer (or most of it) tonight, after work, as i wrote part of a paper. why does the fact that she's out drinking on a friday night with friends make me want to curl up, fetal-style, and sob?
i'm going to go to bed and meditate on this overnight. search my dream-scape for some sort of answer which my active, conscious mind can't seem to manifest.
keeping my fingers crossed that the answer will come in the guise of a beehive collective-style work of dream-art?
oh. and my roomie and i acquired a hula hoop tonight. it has not been baptized, nor christened yet. but it looks good on me. we have yet to really work out the details of joint custody.
but i don't know who to turn to, or what to do, about my sister.
she's not drinking again like she used to.
no more handles from dawn to dusk.
but the fact that she's drinking just about every night again isn't any less unsettling.
hearing her drunk, belligerent voice on the phone just reminds me of freshman year, getting calls from her at two in the afternoon, trashed, about to crash for five hours before going to work, still drunk. that tone of voice, muffled slightly by the phone's vibrations, sends me flashbacks of watching kevin shove her into a door, throw her into the shower. her body, only covered by a suit jacket, his bare ass. flashbacks of her drunken, tearful confusion, ten minutes after the fact. she didn't know why she tried to hit him. she didn't remember that she had even tried. why had they fought again? why did he leave her?
she has goals now, again, for the first time in years. goals that she's carrying out. or that she was planning to. i'm worried that since andy passed, her goals will get pushed back in favor of clinging to his memory, clinging to anything familiar or slightly comforting. she's already mentioned that it's crossed her mind to stay in bloomington longer.
how can i explain to her that i think that she needs to go back to aa? how can i tell her that her lifestyle doesn't seem to be able to even include drinking casually? that i'm worried about her? that since last spring break, being around drunk people, however lovely, (unless i'm tipsy enough myself to feel more relaxed) almost sends me into panic attacks?
maybe i'm over-reacting. it's friday night, who isn't out drinking? even i had a beer (or most of it) tonight, after work, as i wrote part of a paper. why does the fact that she's out drinking on a friday night with friends make me want to curl up, fetal-style, and sob?
i'm going to go to bed and meditate on this overnight. search my dream-scape for some sort of answer which my active, conscious mind can't seem to manifest.
keeping my fingers crossed that the answer will come in the guise of a beehive collective-style work of dream-art?
oh. and my roomie and i acquired a hula hoop tonight. it has not been baptized, nor christened yet. but it looks good on me. we have yet to really work out the details of joint custody.