she lost feeling in the ends of her fingers
earlier today I had almost come around to thinking that perhaps the universe was trying to make up for the awfulness which was yesterday, even if practically the first thing that happened to me in the morning was Mum somehow opening my door so that it slammed my splinter-wounded finger. but no cramps! and there was a beautiful, beautiful thunderstorm with great sails of rain and grey-green sky and low rolling thunder and since then the weather has been not only bearable but pleasant.
but no. that is silliness.
I really didn't think it could get worse until it did. Mum was on the phone! there was negotiation! it sounded fairly good! and then the lady wanted to print out my SAT scores instead of waiting for the College Board to get around to sending them so I gave her my password and everything was going fine until she got all quiet and eventually said, "what happened with your math scores?" (my highest math score was a 410. which is... competent. especially for someone who is disastrously bad at math. disastrously. like, it doesn't even fit in my brain. I spent half of my life sobbing ineffectually into math textbooks, trying to somehow be less terrible at it.) I told her I was not so amazing at math. she said, "Duquesne is a very competitive school. with math scores like these I don't know if we can admit you."
she says she'll hand them in anyway.
so I guess I have a little bit of nasty false hope to cling to for a few days until that goes up in smoke too.
I mean already I a) do not have the proper records, b) have a too-low math score, and c) would require all the financial aid it is possible to get.
she kept going on about how I, as a homeschooler, was supposed to be evaluated yearly by the state. which is ridiculous. we've never heard of that, not even through various local homeschooling communities. never. we had to send a portfolio to the state for my first year or two of high school, to prove we were, you know, actually doing stuff, but they never commented, evaluated, or sent us anything in return.
and it isn't as though I can go back and fix any of it.
so prospects are looking very likely that come September I am going to be sitting on the edge of my bed and trying not to be sick while everyone else goes to college and gets a future.
it really isn't fair to be furious and bitterly resentful of everyone I know or have even vaguely heard of who is going to school right now, but I can't help it. I am.
it's kind of fascinating how utterly, bone-deep exhausted a body can get just from crying. even if it's for an hour, until you fall asleep in the middle of the day. (both my baby sister and my cat crawled into my lap and tried to comfort me. this made me cry more, but it was sweet.)
so. I don't know what to do. I cannot even fully fathom how utterly lost I feel right now.
I feel like I can't stay in this damn town another minute.
I can't stay here another year.
sometimes I really do start to believe that there is something about this place that keeps people from ever being able to leave.
and Sarah is far far away flying to California right now. it isn't even remotely her fault that she can't be here when I need her, so I'm not upset with her, just at fate for so nicely colliding together so many unpleasant coincidences. (guess what. tonight is my frakking dish night again.)
I really, really need someone to come for me and take me away from here.
that's... that's not even my usual exaggeration. I need this. I wish you weren't all so far away.
I need the biggest frakking miracle that ever you saw.
miracles are in pretty short supply these days, though.
but no. that is silliness.
I really didn't think it could get worse until it did. Mum was on the phone! there was negotiation! it sounded fairly good! and then the lady wanted to print out my SAT scores instead of waiting for the College Board to get around to sending them so I gave her my password and everything was going fine until she got all quiet and eventually said, "what happened with your math scores?" (my highest math score was a 410. which is... competent. especially for someone who is disastrously bad at math. disastrously. like, it doesn't even fit in my brain. I spent half of my life sobbing ineffectually into math textbooks, trying to somehow be less terrible at it.) I told her I was not so amazing at math. she said, "Duquesne is a very competitive school. with math scores like these I don't know if we can admit you."
she says she'll hand them in anyway.
so I guess I have a little bit of nasty false hope to cling to for a few days until that goes up in smoke too.
I mean already I a) do not have the proper records, b) have a too-low math score, and c) would require all the financial aid it is possible to get.
she kept going on about how I, as a homeschooler, was supposed to be evaluated yearly by the state. which is ridiculous. we've never heard of that, not even through various local homeschooling communities. never. we had to send a portfolio to the state for my first year or two of high school, to prove we were, you know, actually doing stuff, but they never commented, evaluated, or sent us anything in return.
and it isn't as though I can go back and fix any of it.
so prospects are looking very likely that come September I am going to be sitting on the edge of my bed and trying not to be sick while everyone else goes to college and gets a future.
it really isn't fair to be furious and bitterly resentful of everyone I know or have even vaguely heard of who is going to school right now, but I can't help it. I am.
it's kind of fascinating how utterly, bone-deep exhausted a body can get just from crying. even if it's for an hour, until you fall asleep in the middle of the day. (both my baby sister and my cat crawled into my lap and tried to comfort me. this made me cry more, but it was sweet.)
so. I don't know what to do. I cannot even fully fathom how utterly lost I feel right now.
I feel like I can't stay in this damn town another minute.
I can't stay here another year.
sometimes I really do start to believe that there is something about this place that keeps people from ever being able to leave.
and Sarah is far far away flying to California right now. it isn't even remotely her fault that she can't be here when I need her, so I'm not upset with her, just at fate for so nicely colliding together so many unpleasant coincidences. (guess what. tonight is my frakking dish night again.)
I really, really need someone to come for me and take me away from here.
that's... that's not even my usual exaggeration. I need this. I wish you weren't all so far away.
I need the biggest frakking miracle that ever you saw.
miracles are in pretty short supply these days, though.