On Vox: Closure
I've been drafting this post in my head for a while now, but I'm still not sure that it's going to make sense.....
What exactly is Closure? What do people really want/need when they say that they need Closure on a specific situation?
I've probably thought at some point in my life that I needed Closure after a relationship--I really can't remember when--maybe back in college after a particularly painful breakup. But as I hear friends or guests on talk shows talk about their need for Closure, I find myself confused.
Is the need for Closure an excuse to get back into contact with someone from our past? A reason to send an email or pick up the phone and dial their number? What does someone hope to gain from that contact? And don't say Closure. Is Closure the opportunity to express our hurt/anger over the unfairness of what happened? It seems that in so many instances, all that hurt has been communicated--usually at the time of the breakup--so what purpose is there in stating what's already been said? Or perhaps after time has passed, we've thought of the perfect zinger or a better way to express our needs. Does it really matter now? What benefit do we gain at this point? Life has moved on whether we've moved on as well--what exactly does Closure get us?
Is it something that someone else has to give us? I'm beginning to think that the need for Closure is in fact a need for Peace--a desire to put something to rest and never have to dwell on it again. Can someone else give us that? Even if they could, why do we give that responsibility to someone who has already hurt us, intentionally or not?
I can spend hours wondering why an ex-boyfriend or ex-husband cheated on me, but those are hours I will never get back. And yes, of course when the wound is still raw, that's exactly what we do--and probably need to do in order to work through the pain. I can fantasize about running into an ex and being happy with my life while he is miserable in his, but again why waste my fantasies on him when I can fantasize about Matt Damon or any other attractive male--including my husband?
Of course I've been heartbroken, betrayed, devastated. And yes, I've raged at the world, the heavens, and anyone within 100 yards of me. But eventually sometime much later, I realize that I'm happy. And that hurt doesn't affect my happiness. It has nothing to do with my current happiness, except to help me appreciate it for the blessing that it is.
Am I curious as to what my various exes, be they boyfriends, husbands, or friends, are up to these days? Of course I am--but contacting them adds nothing to my life at this point. I'm a different person in part because of them--and perhaps they are too.
And sometimes something triggers that old pain. It's still there, but it's not as sharp or as consuming as it once was. And if does become something more, I can talk about it to the people who know, love, and support me who will just listen because they know that this is not about something someone else can give or do for me. It's about me finding my way again.
Originally posted on faeriekissed.vox.com