(no subject)
*sigh* Today was kind of a bad day. It's gotten better towards the end, but... meh. I had my singing teacher's "soiree" (lol) tonight. I was sure I was going to stuff up my songs but apparently I sang my best ever. *shrugs* I tend to surprise myself with singing. I didn't even think I'd done well cause my mouth was really dry, but it's all good I guess! So that made tonight better. And after the concert me and my mum went and got some Thai food. =D But I just know I'm going to be beating myself up tomorrow over the fat content.
I tried to tell her in the car on the way there that I need a counsellor. Third time counting that I've reminded them. She's got this fucking idea lodged in her head that I'm making everything up and to get me help will only feed the self indulgence or whatever. She keeps telling me how all teenagers feel like this from time to time and my life is perfect, there's no reason for me to be unhappy, and maybe I should just see a general counsellor instead of any far-out psychologist type because she really doesn't think there's anything wrong. But... she pointed out the exact problem... my life IS perfect. There IS no reason for me to be unhappy. Yet, I still AM unhappy. I feel like screaming, Please Mum... this is getting ridiculous. It really is. I didn't want to have to ask them again... I feel so guilty, they give me everything they have and to get a counsellor would just cost more money. But today at recess I cut myself again, and Is asked me to ask them again. What am I going to have to say or do to make them take me seriously?! I am losing my will to live. This can't go on much longer. I'm starting to enjoy cutting. I'm hurting myself without even really thinking about it. The first thing I did when I came home today was go to practise my music. I stuffed it up, so you know what I did next? I went to the medicine cabinet, took a gigantic swig of cough medicine and took two headache pills. Not enough to really hurt me... but one day I will take enough. Every time I take a little bit more. Every time I cut a little bit deeper. I used the nail scissors today. At school. I didn't even fucking cry. It's like some twisted and ridiculous game. And just this voice inside my head, saying "Go deeper, go deeper." But then the other side of my head is telling me to put the scissors away. It feels almost psychotic. I had blood smeared all over my wrist, all over my hands and fingers, all over the scissors. I'm beginning to relish the sight of my own blood. It's so fucking twisted, I'm becoming some sort of a psychopath. But today was different from normal. I didn't crumble and break down crying after I'd finished with the 'cutting ritual'. I just told myself I deserved it, and completely calmly washed off the scissors and the blood and walked out of there back to my friends. As if nothing had ever happened. I am losing control and it's happening so quickly now. I'm trying to get help, and I'm being ignored. What do I do now? *sigh* I'd better go and do my homework. Will update later.
I tried to tell her in the car on the way there that I need a counsellor. Third time counting that I've reminded them. She's got this fucking idea lodged in her head that I'm making everything up and to get me help will only feed the self indulgence or whatever. She keeps telling me how all teenagers feel like this from time to time and my life is perfect, there's no reason for me to be unhappy, and maybe I should just see a general counsellor instead of any far-out psychologist type because she really doesn't think there's anything wrong. But... she pointed out the exact problem... my life IS perfect. There IS no reason for me to be unhappy. Yet, I still AM unhappy. I feel like screaming, Please Mum... this is getting ridiculous. It really is. I didn't want to have to ask them again... I feel so guilty, they give me everything they have and to get a counsellor would just cost more money. But today at recess I cut myself again, and Is asked me to ask them again. What am I going to have to say or do to make them take me seriously?! I am losing my will to live. This can't go on much longer. I'm starting to enjoy cutting. I'm hurting myself without even really thinking about it. The first thing I did when I came home today was go to practise my music. I stuffed it up, so you know what I did next? I went to the medicine cabinet, took a gigantic swig of cough medicine and took two headache pills. Not enough to really hurt me... but one day I will take enough. Every time I take a little bit more. Every time I cut a little bit deeper. I used the nail scissors today. At school. I didn't even fucking cry. It's like some twisted and ridiculous game. And just this voice inside my head, saying "Go deeper, go deeper." But then the other side of my head is telling me to put the scissors away. It feels almost psychotic. I had blood smeared all over my wrist, all over my hands and fingers, all over the scissors. I'm beginning to relish the sight of my own blood. It's so fucking twisted, I'm becoming some sort of a psychopath. But today was different from normal. I didn't crumble and break down crying after I'd finished with the 'cutting ritual'. I just told myself I deserved it, and completely calmly washed off the scissors and the blood and walked out of there back to my friends. As if nothing had ever happened. I am losing control and it's happening so quickly now. I'm trying to get help, and I'm being ignored. What do I do now? *sigh* I'd better go and do my homework. Will update later.