Dig Deep
My body tight with suppression
My mind aches for release
Words pound at my skull, demanding escape
Much like the darkess pounds at
The door I've shut against it,
Making it's presence known.
I can see it creeping under, smell it's gloomy haze
I cannot go back there-- back to that place.
This time, It won't take me alive.
Dig Deep, I command myself, pressing the pen to paper.
Him.
I remember telling Him how wonderful He was.
And how I wish I could love Him exactly how He needed,
How You deserved to be loved.
And now I find myself falling more and more,
Filling the spaces in Him that had been unfilled thus far,
And allowing him to do the same for me.
But I question it...
Every...
Step...
of the way...
An achingly slow process, perhaps we are the better for it, no?
I look around and spy all the little accents that add light to my life, aiding in combating the darkness:
A red bear I hold close at night,
the canopy I sleep under, feeling like the Princess I never got to be. Red too, because it's my favorite color. A mindfold to encapsulate me in a pleasant dreamland where He waits for me, arms outstretched. A pair of wings because I'm His angel.
He holds me in such high regard, He cherishes me as no one ever has.. He doesn't put me on a pedestal, nor I Him. He only treasures me in a way I've only begun to discover myself.
Dig Deeper, You command as only You can.
She.
She left me waiting again. Only this time, I wasn't wanting. I've built an ice shield against the power of her angelic face. I'm not despondent over her any longer. I don't need her, nor she I. There's just this unspoken connection, intellectually... emotionally, dare I say physically?
Can those perfect lips melt the ice I've donned? Perhaps. Mere Moments, fleeting, and then what would be left when she was gone again? A puddle and me-- bare, vulnerable, hurt, yet again.
The darkness pounds ferociously at the door--a reminder.
Thank you, my love, for not attempting, not leaving me defenseless.
But even behind this sheer defense I can still see your face. Those sky blue eyes, filled with wonder, your thoughts a mystery, but their depth stir my soul. A part of me still longs to touch your smooth cheek, brush my thumb over your lips, place a tender kiss right about your brow-- just for the simple pleasure of it.
But.
I do not need it.
Not like I need Him.
Dig Deeper, you whisper...
Look at me.
Please?
Acknowledge me. Before I wither away. Before I walk in the other direction, not looking back. Love me. Yes, I know you do. It's just that it's not your words I need right now.
Hold me. I'm sorry, am I asking too much? It's just that I'm needy. I'm really sorry, I try so hard not to be, I really do.
I just wish you'd love me how I needed you to. And let me love you the only way I know how. If you just gave it a chance... maybe... just maybe the love of your children will fill the void. That one you were trying to fill with the various immature and sometimes wicked boys that were within the male bodies you've partnered with.
DIG DEEP! I scream at myself frantically over the din as the darkness bashes against the door menacingly.
I dig deeper... and deeper... beyond feeling like a burden, beyond the self destruction. Shedding skin after skin. Until... I reach my core. I can't dig any deeper. This is me.
And.
I'm beautiful.
And talented! And able--and strong! I shine with a brilliance that has been described to me, but I had yet to be able to see. Until now.
This is me.
It's quiet now.
And I'm smiling.
Because even at my core, He is still there waiting. Loving me... something I just learned how to do
My mind aches for release
Words pound at my skull, demanding escape
Much like the darkess pounds at
The door I've shut against it,
Making it's presence known.
I can see it creeping under, smell it's gloomy haze
I cannot go back there-- back to that place.
This time, It won't take me alive.
Dig Deep, I command myself, pressing the pen to paper.
Him.
I remember telling Him how wonderful He was.
And how I wish I could love Him exactly how He needed,
How You deserved to be loved.
And now I find myself falling more and more,
Filling the spaces in Him that had been unfilled thus far,
And allowing him to do the same for me.
But I question it...
Every...
Step...
of the way...
An achingly slow process, perhaps we are the better for it, no?
I look around and spy all the little accents that add light to my life, aiding in combating the darkness:
A red bear I hold close at night,
the canopy I sleep under, feeling like the Princess I never got to be. Red too, because it's my favorite color. A mindfold to encapsulate me in a pleasant dreamland where He waits for me, arms outstretched. A pair of wings because I'm His angel.
He holds me in such high regard, He cherishes me as no one ever has.. He doesn't put me on a pedestal, nor I Him. He only treasures me in a way I've only begun to discover myself.
Dig Deeper, You command as only You can.
She.
She left me waiting again. Only this time, I wasn't wanting. I've built an ice shield against the power of her angelic face. I'm not despondent over her any longer. I don't need her, nor she I. There's just this unspoken connection, intellectually... emotionally, dare I say physically?
Can those perfect lips melt the ice I've donned? Perhaps. Mere Moments, fleeting, and then what would be left when she was gone again? A puddle and me-- bare, vulnerable, hurt, yet again.
The darkness pounds ferociously at the door--a reminder.
Thank you, my love, for not attempting, not leaving me defenseless.
But even behind this sheer defense I can still see your face. Those sky blue eyes, filled with wonder, your thoughts a mystery, but their depth stir my soul. A part of me still longs to touch your smooth cheek, brush my thumb over your lips, place a tender kiss right about your brow-- just for the simple pleasure of it.
But.
I do not need it.
Not like I need Him.
Dig Deeper, you whisper...
Look at me.
Please?
Acknowledge me. Before I wither away. Before I walk in the other direction, not looking back. Love me. Yes, I know you do. It's just that it's not your words I need right now.
Hold me. I'm sorry, am I asking too much? It's just that I'm needy. I'm really sorry, I try so hard not to be, I really do.
I just wish you'd love me how I needed you to. And let me love you the only way I know how. If you just gave it a chance... maybe... just maybe the love of your children will fill the void. That one you were trying to fill with the various immature and sometimes wicked boys that were within the male bodies you've partnered with.
DIG DEEP! I scream at myself frantically over the din as the darkness bashes against the door menacingly.
I dig deeper... and deeper... beyond feeling like a burden, beyond the self destruction. Shedding skin after skin. Until... I reach my core. I can't dig any deeper. This is me.
And.
I'm beautiful.
And talented! And able--and strong! I shine with a brilliance that has been described to me, but I had yet to be able to see. Until now.
This is me.
It's quiet now.
And I'm smiling.
Because even at my core, He is still there waiting. Loving me... something I just learned how to do