What Future?
So. Yeah. I haven't updated in a while. Probably because I'm going more and more crazy. Insomnia. Anxiety. Random bouts of tears. Drama, drama, drama... Last semester didn't end well. I was really sick... I couldn't sleep, I couldn't move very far from my bed. I wish I was being a hypochondriac. I didn't work out for THREE (yes 1,2,THREE) weeks. So that's how you know something was REALLY wrong with me.
Well... in spite of the one miracle in my life, Mick, who yeah, it's been a rough road, but have shown his true colors and man are they GORGEOUS.... in spite of him, I can't get out of this funk. This darkness floats around me and sometimes swallows my entire being and I get plummeted to the bottom of this hole that, try as I might, I can't get out of. Suicide, yes we're talking suicide people, which is a fucking scary word, now isn't it? What about thinking about it? Is that scary? You betcha... every day? uh yeah. That's me. I'm not in that mindset now, so yeah I look at it and think "man that's one crazy bitch" and "oh my god" "what the fuck"... but when I go to that place... and I'm going there so often now.... I just wanna see black forever ya know?
I'm just going through the motions. Everything is a challenge. Working out in the morning to get me going, even if there's tears running down my face as I do it. Pushing myself to actually make it to class, much less do the actual coursework. Pushing myself to make it to work. Do something... anything to distract myself from the looming darkness-- which never really goes away by the way. I'm a shell of a person. A zombie who goes to class, goes to work, hell even goes to the goddamn gym, but my heart isn't it. My heart hurts. My stomach hurts. I get anxiety and can't keep anything down anymore, I take pills to sleep, pills to wake up.
Speaking of pills! Yeah so i had my psychiatrist evaluation today. To see if I'm crazy. And the results are in-- DING DING DING. They gave me antidepressants. Yeah... I'm one of THOSE people. My mind doesn't function without magic pills. Awesome. But I DID find out I'm graduating today too. See I didn't think I was because the Degree Evaluation system fooled me! APRIL FOOLS... yeah it wasn't funny.
Oh and by the way, I pretty much fucked up the little bit of a relationship I have with my roommate. You ever do something and you really don't think it would be a problem and it turns out, it's a BIG FUCKING problem? Yeah, I did that. I just took things she said about smoking with friends of mine and whatnot and threw it in with my previous experience of smoking lots of pot in lots of bathrooms with the same people and figured, yeah, she won't have a problem with me doing it in the bathroom at all... if she even came home (which she rarely does until late anymore). Well she's pissed, and rightly so. I should've asked. I'm super upset she's upset, even though it's become incredibly clear that without my other two roomates as buffers, we're simply not really that compatible and in spite of my wanting to have the same close roomie bonding... she's gonna do her own thing. So now... my living situation sucks, but what am I gonna do, leave and fuck her over even more? Hell no, that would be really messed up because she would have to move somewhere else because I doubt they'd let her stay here alone.
So today was fun. I get to graduate, but i'm diagnosed with severe depression with an anxiety disorder... oh yeah and my mom comes back from Aruba. If y'all don't know that story, I pretty much divorced her before she left. She's a nasty bitch who does nothing but bring me down and doesn't appreciate any of the good things I do IN SPITE of what she's put me through and will do anything and everything to help my siblings (btw my sister went with them to Aruba) and treats me like some kind of burden even though I've never asked her for a goddamn thing.
This is what my life is now. But I have some friends. Some people who don't think I'm a fuck up, a blight. Some people who love me. And Mick *smiles a little*
I'm just really scared at what the future holds... if there is a light at the end really.
Well... in spite of the one miracle in my life, Mick, who yeah, it's been a rough road, but have shown his true colors and man are they GORGEOUS.... in spite of him, I can't get out of this funk. This darkness floats around me and sometimes swallows my entire being and I get plummeted to the bottom of this hole that, try as I might, I can't get out of. Suicide, yes we're talking suicide people, which is a fucking scary word, now isn't it? What about thinking about it? Is that scary? You betcha... every day? uh yeah. That's me. I'm not in that mindset now, so yeah I look at it and think "man that's one crazy bitch" and "oh my god" "what the fuck"... but when I go to that place... and I'm going there so often now.... I just wanna see black forever ya know?
I'm just going through the motions. Everything is a challenge. Working out in the morning to get me going, even if there's tears running down my face as I do it. Pushing myself to actually make it to class, much less do the actual coursework. Pushing myself to make it to work. Do something... anything to distract myself from the looming darkness-- which never really goes away by the way. I'm a shell of a person. A zombie who goes to class, goes to work, hell even goes to the goddamn gym, but my heart isn't it. My heart hurts. My stomach hurts. I get anxiety and can't keep anything down anymore, I take pills to sleep, pills to wake up.
Speaking of pills! Yeah so i had my psychiatrist evaluation today. To see if I'm crazy. And the results are in-- DING DING DING. They gave me antidepressants. Yeah... I'm one of THOSE people. My mind doesn't function without magic pills. Awesome. But I DID find out I'm graduating today too. See I didn't think I was because the Degree Evaluation system fooled me! APRIL FOOLS... yeah it wasn't funny.
Oh and by the way, I pretty much fucked up the little bit of a relationship I have with my roommate. You ever do something and you really don't think it would be a problem and it turns out, it's a BIG FUCKING problem? Yeah, I did that. I just took things she said about smoking with friends of mine and whatnot and threw it in with my previous experience of smoking lots of pot in lots of bathrooms with the same people and figured, yeah, she won't have a problem with me doing it in the bathroom at all... if she even came home (which she rarely does until late anymore). Well she's pissed, and rightly so. I should've asked. I'm super upset she's upset, even though it's become incredibly clear that without my other two roomates as buffers, we're simply not really that compatible and in spite of my wanting to have the same close roomie bonding... she's gonna do her own thing. So now... my living situation sucks, but what am I gonna do, leave and fuck her over even more? Hell no, that would be really messed up because she would have to move somewhere else because I doubt they'd let her stay here alone.
So today was fun. I get to graduate, but i'm diagnosed with severe depression with an anxiety disorder... oh yeah and my mom comes back from Aruba. If y'all don't know that story, I pretty much divorced her before she left. She's a nasty bitch who does nothing but bring me down and doesn't appreciate any of the good things I do IN SPITE of what she's put me through and will do anything and everything to help my siblings (btw my sister went with them to Aruba) and treats me like some kind of burden even though I've never asked her for a goddamn thing.
This is what my life is now. But I have some friends. Some people who don't think I'm a fuck up, a blight. Some people who love me. And Mick *smiles a little*
I'm just really scared at what the future holds... if there is a light at the end really.