Musings on Modals
Once upon a time I used to use particular modal auxiliary verbs in certain ways and not think much about it.
In planning my day I would think:
I must clean the kitchen. I should do some washing. I might bake a cake.
Or,
I need to go to the post office. I ought to grab some food for dinner. I could go for coffee with Simon, Ashes or Katrina.
Or,
I have to go to work. I should tidy the lounge. I could have people over for dinner.
Or even some combination that has on occasions included all of the above.
And I took it for granted.
I truly believed that I must, needed to and had to, do all those things. That I ought and should do something else of use too. That I would also have time for things I wanted to do that were less important but I still could and might do.
Nowadays I've had to reevaluate what I really must, need and have to do.
Yes the kitchen needs cleaning, books need posting and shifts need working but if I'm not capable of getting dressed without resting twice in the process and sitting down for half an hour or so after to get my breath back and stop feeling dizzy are any of these things even possible? So the bulk of the cleaning falls on David (the bulk of EVERYTHING falls on David). I have increased my posting time on the book shop (and also, I'm sad to say, had to message people to say that their item will be late). I've reduced my contract to, well to be honest to below the bare minimum and will also shortly drop being a supervisor and only be a sales assistant, as this new(est) contract is not an actuality yet I'm still calling in sick but they're being understanding about it - more so than many of the other places I've worked would have been.
My must has become 'eat something', my need to is now to remember to take my various medications at the right time and my have to is to keep myself clean and washed. Anything and everything else is a bonus. I feel accomplished and proud of myself for managing to get dressed and leave the house, even if it's just for the less than five minute walk to the post office. Days where I can do more are truly excellent days. Even if I know I'll pay for them later.
Never has the spoon theory been so real to me.
X-posted to cwenedefae.
In planning my day I would think:
I must clean the kitchen. I should do some washing. I might bake a cake.
Or,
I need to go to the post office. I ought to grab some food for dinner. I could go for coffee with Simon, Ashes or Katrina.
Or,
I have to go to work. I should tidy the lounge. I could have people over for dinner.
Or even some combination that has on occasions included all of the above.
And I took it for granted.
I truly believed that I must, needed to and had to, do all those things. That I ought and should do something else of use too. That I would also have time for things I wanted to do that were less important but I still could and might do.
Nowadays I've had to reevaluate what I really must, need and have to do.
Yes the kitchen needs cleaning, books need posting and shifts need working but if I'm not capable of getting dressed without resting twice in the process and sitting down for half an hour or so after to get my breath back and stop feeling dizzy are any of these things even possible? So the bulk of the cleaning falls on David (the bulk of EVERYTHING falls on David). I have increased my posting time on the book shop (and also, I'm sad to say, had to message people to say that their item will be late). I've reduced my contract to, well to be honest to below the bare minimum and will also shortly drop being a supervisor and only be a sales assistant, as this new(est) contract is not an actuality yet I'm still calling in sick but they're being understanding about it - more so than many of the other places I've worked would have been.
My must has become 'eat something', my need to is now to remember to take my various medications at the right time and my have to is to keep myself clean and washed. Anything and everything else is a bonus. I feel accomplished and proud of myself for managing to get dressed and leave the house, even if it's just for the less than five minute walk to the post office. Days where I can do more are truly excellent days. Even if I know I'll pay for them later.
Never has the spoon theory been so real to me.
X-posted to cwenedefae.