No Appetite, No Emotion, No Pills
Yesterday was yet another shitty day. As soon as I got to work, stupid stuff happened which kind of put a damper on the day.
Then Mike and Kirbey went with me to pick up christian, which made me cry cause I missed him SO much. We stopped at Kirbey's house, and I called my dad. He wants to go see March of the Penguins with me, but I don't really feel like being around him right now, especially after last night. He pulled the whole "you're getting better...but...maybe you should loose more weight....maybe you should be nicer...but you're getting better."
After everything that happened this weekend, and that day, it just sent me in a downward spiral. I fell into a bad habit I use to have, which only made me feel even worst that I was with friends, and the driver. We met Kevin and Carrie at Sharis, and chase showed up too. I threw up, ate some cucumbers, cause I still wasn't hungry, and talked to nikki and looked at christian's pictures.
After dropping Christian off, I went over to Erin's house...where I cried and cried until I couldn't anymore. I asked Erin's dad if he'd adopt me, lol. He told me I should just go to school, and go to the doctors out at madigan. Erin took me to sharis after I told her that I hadn't eaten hardly anything all day...I still didn't eat much there...two mozerella sticks and two bites of a sandwich...
I didn't think I would ever smile again, until I started texting Sean, who made me feel a million times better (thanks).
Today...I just feel numb. Like there's no emotion in me. Just a shell. I still have no appetite, but I forced myself to drink half a glass of milk, and two bites of an energy bar, so I could get at least some protein. My dad is affecting my eating habits. His voice is echoing in my head everytime I reach to eat anything "maybe you should loose some more weight". Everyone says I should just stop talking to him, just give up...But I can't. I just want him to hug me and tell me I'm beautiful, perfect, worth loving. I hate him for fucking me up like this, but he's still my dad. He still bails me out of trouble a lot, I can't just give up.
Angie from work gave me these pills to take for my cough. She said it'll make me better right away...but I can't take them on an empty stomach, and I can't get myself to eat...so i don't know what I'm supposed to do with them...
I mentioned to my mom that I wanted to try taking a class at Pierce this fall. Just one, that's maybe two nights a week. She said no. She doesn't think I'll be able to handle it, especially when I don't have health insurance right now...I really wish I were just normal...healthy...not broken. that's what I feel like...I'm just broken.
What a depressing blog. Part of me doesn't even want to post it...what's the point? It just makes me seem like I'm crazy...like i'm waving a flag to anyone who might be the slightest bit interesting in being my friend saying "WATCH OUT, I'M DEPRESSING AND EMOTIONALLY FUCKED UP. STAY BACK!" lol.
I'm not always like this. I'm really fun and happy and light spirited. It's just been a hard week for me. Things will get better eventually...blahblahblah...i know...
Then Mike and Kirbey went with me to pick up christian, which made me cry cause I missed him SO much. We stopped at Kirbey's house, and I called my dad. He wants to go see March of the Penguins with me, but I don't really feel like being around him right now, especially after last night. He pulled the whole "you're getting better...but...maybe you should loose more weight....maybe you should be nicer...but you're getting better."
After everything that happened this weekend, and that day, it just sent me in a downward spiral. I fell into a bad habit I use to have, which only made me feel even worst that I was with friends, and the driver. We met Kevin and Carrie at Sharis, and chase showed up too. I threw up, ate some cucumbers, cause I still wasn't hungry, and talked to nikki and looked at christian's pictures.
After dropping Christian off, I went over to Erin's house...where I cried and cried until I couldn't anymore. I asked Erin's dad if he'd adopt me, lol. He told me I should just go to school, and go to the doctors out at madigan. Erin took me to sharis after I told her that I hadn't eaten hardly anything all day...I still didn't eat much there...two mozerella sticks and two bites of a sandwich...
I didn't think I would ever smile again, until I started texting Sean, who made me feel a million times better (thanks).
Today...I just feel numb. Like there's no emotion in me. Just a shell. I still have no appetite, but I forced myself to drink half a glass of milk, and two bites of an energy bar, so I could get at least some protein. My dad is affecting my eating habits. His voice is echoing in my head everytime I reach to eat anything "maybe you should loose some more weight". Everyone says I should just stop talking to him, just give up...But I can't. I just want him to hug me and tell me I'm beautiful, perfect, worth loving. I hate him for fucking me up like this, but he's still my dad. He still bails me out of trouble a lot, I can't just give up.
Angie from work gave me these pills to take for my cough. She said it'll make me better right away...but I can't take them on an empty stomach, and I can't get myself to eat...so i don't know what I'm supposed to do with them...
I mentioned to my mom that I wanted to try taking a class at Pierce this fall. Just one, that's maybe two nights a week. She said no. She doesn't think I'll be able to handle it, especially when I don't have health insurance right now...I really wish I were just normal...healthy...not broken. that's what I feel like...I'm just broken.
What a depressing blog. Part of me doesn't even want to post it...what's the point? It just makes me seem like I'm crazy...like i'm waving a flag to anyone who might be the slightest bit interesting in being my friend saying "WATCH OUT, I'M DEPRESSING AND EMOTIONALLY FUCKED UP. STAY BACK!" lol.
I'm not always like this. I'm really fun and happy and light spirited. It's just been a hard week for me. Things will get better eventually...blahblahblah...i know...