(no subject)
The whole time that I've been here, I've had the buffer in the back of my mind, never letting me feel too much like the end would come. Because I always felt like Jamie would come and I'd get to show off to somebody... let somebody I know see the life I've built for myself, here, and get to feel proud of what I have to show for these 5 or so months. And I never had to worry too much about leaving, because it was always so far in the distance... I could look forward to seeing Jamie, and I just knew vaguely that I would leave after that. I had one thing to look forward to that obstructed what I did not want to consider. The end.
The day I found out she wasn't coming was disappointing, but I was fine. That night after, the night that I bought my plane ticket, was the night that I couldn't sleep. All I could think of were all the things I'd been waiting to do, putting off to save money for when Jamie would get here and want to do stuff, or putting off to see with my best friend, or just plain putting off because I felt like I had forever. I suddenly found myself with the incontestable fact that I do not have forever.
It was like a midlife crisis. I wrote a list of things I haven't seen or done. Most of the things on it are things I hadn't really cared about, before, when I was spending my time building a life. Who cares about seeing the Champs Elysees when you can wander the streets of Paris and just do your own thing? I suddenly do.
Finals end tomorrow. Everyone is going to start traveling, and we'll all be split up. No more normal daily life, for us. This isn't just a vacation before everything goes back to normal. It's the grand finale where you get split up in the rush to enjoy before it's too late, and we'll follow it up with splitting up and going our own ways. Two days before I bought my ticket, Ruxy, one of the Romanian girls, left for her stage in the south of France. She was trying not to cry, and she and Alexandra just sat there hugging, and it made me sad for two reasons... because this was the beginning of the steady flow apart, and because I didn't think I'd made enough connections to forsee myself crying when I leave.
But then I just couldn't help it the other day, when Jared, Annie, and I realized how little of each other we'll see this last month, and how nothing will be the same as it always has been. I dorkishly broke into tears, something I've only done once in France (other than when I saw Rent and when we watched Dead Poet's Society). It's going to be the shortest and longest month ever.
I've had a dream twice now, both where the same thing happened. In one, I was in mom's kitchen, and she was cooking for guests. I'd never met these women, so when they came in, I kissed them on the cheeks and said hello, even though I knew it wasn't the right place for this. And it made me feel inconceivably sad, because I knew that these were two worlds that will never coexist. The other was the same but it was me seeing you guys again for the first time. I wanted to kiss you on the cheeks like I'm used to but I didn't know if I could. I don't want to be the showoff who tries to use her french habits to show that she spent time there. I just don't want to lose everything I'm used to, here, either.
I'm scared because this is my life but it's the most temporary segment of it. I'm scared because I know that when I get back, these six months will dissolve into a memory which could have been only a week.
And I want to see everybody all at once, when I get home. My plane gets into Boston at 1 pm June 6th. I think I should stick around home and see my family, that evening, so I was thinking maybe we could have a party that night or the next. I'll make crepes french style and show you guys my pics and hear your stories and generally catch up. Everyone's invited. Please tell me if you can come and what time would be best.
Much love;
Me
The day I found out she wasn't coming was disappointing, but I was fine. That night after, the night that I bought my plane ticket, was the night that I couldn't sleep. All I could think of were all the things I'd been waiting to do, putting off to save money for when Jamie would get here and want to do stuff, or putting off to see with my best friend, or just plain putting off because I felt like I had forever. I suddenly found myself with the incontestable fact that I do not have forever.
It was like a midlife crisis. I wrote a list of things I haven't seen or done. Most of the things on it are things I hadn't really cared about, before, when I was spending my time building a life. Who cares about seeing the Champs Elysees when you can wander the streets of Paris and just do your own thing? I suddenly do.
Finals end tomorrow. Everyone is going to start traveling, and we'll all be split up. No more normal daily life, for us. This isn't just a vacation before everything goes back to normal. It's the grand finale where you get split up in the rush to enjoy before it's too late, and we'll follow it up with splitting up and going our own ways. Two days before I bought my ticket, Ruxy, one of the Romanian girls, left for her stage in the south of France. She was trying not to cry, and she and Alexandra just sat there hugging, and it made me sad for two reasons... because this was the beginning of the steady flow apart, and because I didn't think I'd made enough connections to forsee myself crying when I leave.
But then I just couldn't help it the other day, when Jared, Annie, and I realized how little of each other we'll see this last month, and how nothing will be the same as it always has been. I dorkishly broke into tears, something I've only done once in France (other than when I saw Rent and when we watched Dead Poet's Society). It's going to be the shortest and longest month ever.
I've had a dream twice now, both where the same thing happened. In one, I was in mom's kitchen, and she was cooking for guests. I'd never met these women, so when they came in, I kissed them on the cheeks and said hello, even though I knew it wasn't the right place for this. And it made me feel inconceivably sad, because I knew that these were two worlds that will never coexist. The other was the same but it was me seeing you guys again for the first time. I wanted to kiss you on the cheeks like I'm used to but I didn't know if I could. I don't want to be the showoff who tries to use her french habits to show that she spent time there. I just don't want to lose everything I'm used to, here, either.
I'm scared because this is my life but it's the most temporary segment of it. I'm scared because I know that when I get back, these six months will dissolve into a memory which could have been only a week.
And I want to see everybody all at once, when I get home. My plane gets into Boston at 1 pm June 6th. I think I should stick around home and see my family, that evening, so I was thinking maybe we could have a party that night or the next. I'll make crepes french style and show you guys my pics and hear your stories and generally catch up. Everyone's invited. Please tell me if you can come and what time would be best.
Much love;
Me