(no subject)
Happy New Year everyone...sorry it's taken so long to get a bleeding thing up...so much for more frequent updating and all that jazz...
SInce the last update, everything's gone weird. and this post is because I need to rant...
Everything was going swimmingly with flatmates. Then we had reading week, and since then one of the flatm ates has been really really irritating me. At first, i thought maybe it was just me being unreasonable(I am apt to do that!). Then I found out that all of my other flatmates feel the same way. It's now hell living here. She's one of these people who needs to know what's going on all the time, so as soon as someone goes into someone elses room, she's there, trying to find out what we're talking about. The problem being that I am much closer to two flatmates, and so if I have a problem, am more likely to go to them to talk about it. Which I don't want many people to know about usually.
Then along came someone who has confused my life soooo much it isnt real. Me and him are like best friends, and talk to each other about everything all the time, but I don't know where I stand with him, So many people are telling me to just go for it, but I'm really not sure...I think our friendship is far too special to even vaguely jeopardise.
Christmas was, apparently contrary to everyone else's, rubbish. I knew it was going to be weird this year, because one of my Grandas has been put into residential care, because he has Alzheimer's and needs 24 hour care, because he tends to go wandering and falls, because he has always been free to go for walks. Since they have built new houses in his town, he gets confused when he tries to follow a route, as it isn't how it was 50 years ago. He has no recollection of his wife, who died about 20 years ago, and wouldn't recognise me at all. He barely recognises my sister, and he sees her regularly. This is also the first Christmas since my Grandma died that all of her children have not been home for Christmas. My unclecame home before Christmas, because his ex-wife demanded he did, to take his son to a university interview that my cousin didnt even need transporting to. Because my uncle only has limited holidays and lives in America, he didn't have enough holiday left to come back for Christmas, leaving one of my cousins (understandably) really upset and depressed. My auntie who lives in New Zealand also didnt come back this Christmas, but was back for New Year, because her husband is doing some work over here for the next two months. I had an idea that Christmas was going to be strange because I haven't been living at home, but it was unbearable. I was really really looking forward to coming back to St Andrews, even though I knew I had exams. Now I'm back here, I'm not sure why I was so intent on coming back. I love the place and the people, but I'm just not in the right frame of mind. I don't know why, but I'm in a major funk, and keep pushing the people away who are closest to me. I think it has something to do with the fact that they don't know me as well as people at home, and don't instinctively know when I do and don't need to talk about something. I'm not the sort of person who can come right out and say "I need to talk"...instead I surround myself with people who know me so well that I can either just talk to them straight out, or they can tell what sort of a mood I'm in, The problem I have is that I know that so many people here have the potential to be brilliant friends like that, but I can't open up and let them see the real me. ARGH.
Maybe I'm just tired and cranky. I don't know.
SInce the last update, everything's gone weird. and this post is because I need to rant...
Everything was going swimmingly with flatmates. Then we had reading week, and since then one of the flatm ates has been really really irritating me. At first, i thought maybe it was just me being unreasonable(I am apt to do that!). Then I found out that all of my other flatmates feel the same way. It's now hell living here. She's one of these people who needs to know what's going on all the time, so as soon as someone goes into someone elses room, she's there, trying to find out what we're talking about. The problem being that I am much closer to two flatmates, and so if I have a problem, am more likely to go to them to talk about it. Which I don't want many people to know about usually.
Then along came someone who has confused my life soooo much it isnt real. Me and him are like best friends, and talk to each other about everything all the time, but I don't know where I stand with him, So many people are telling me to just go for it, but I'm really not sure...I think our friendship is far too special to even vaguely jeopardise.
Christmas was, apparently contrary to everyone else's, rubbish. I knew it was going to be weird this year, because one of my Grandas has been put into residential care, because he has Alzheimer's and needs 24 hour care, because he tends to go wandering and falls, because he has always been free to go for walks. Since they have built new houses in his town, he gets confused when he tries to follow a route, as it isn't how it was 50 years ago. He has no recollection of his wife, who died about 20 years ago, and wouldn't recognise me at all. He barely recognises my sister, and he sees her regularly. This is also the first Christmas since my Grandma died that all of her children have not been home for Christmas. My unclecame home before Christmas, because his ex-wife demanded he did, to take his son to a university interview that my cousin didnt even need transporting to. Because my uncle only has limited holidays and lives in America, he didn't have enough holiday left to come back for Christmas, leaving one of my cousins (understandably) really upset and depressed. My auntie who lives in New Zealand also didnt come back this Christmas, but was back for New Year, because her husband is doing some work over here for the next two months. I had an idea that Christmas was going to be strange because I haven't been living at home, but it was unbearable. I was really really looking forward to coming back to St Andrews, even though I knew I had exams. Now I'm back here, I'm not sure why I was so intent on coming back. I love the place and the people, but I'm just not in the right frame of mind. I don't know why, but I'm in a major funk, and keep pushing the people away who are closest to me. I think it has something to do with the fact that they don't know me as well as people at home, and don't instinctively know when I do and don't need to talk about something. I'm not the sort of person who can come right out and say "I need to talk"...instead I surround myself with people who know me so well that I can either just talk to them straight out, or they can tell what sort of a mood I'm in, The problem I have is that I know that so many people here have the potential to be brilliant friends like that, but I can't open up and let them see the real me. ARGH.
Maybe I'm just tired and cranky. I don't know.