I hate you, but I don't want to.
Dear Kelly,
You really fucked me up.
I really want to confront you, to tell you that. But it doesn't seem adequete. You did. Oh, you undoubtably did. But you need to know why, how. The thing is, I don't even know how. What am I supposed to say? A lot of the things I like, you like. We were friends growing up, so we like the same things. That happens. But it sucks that it's so much of it. I said sucks just for you. Nothing "sucks," it only pulls or pushes. I know that, you know that. But I'm going to say it because I know you know it's not real.
That's how I know I'm still angry with you. When I listen to Linkin Park I think of you. When I think about my house in Gig Harbor, I think of you. When I think about HTML, I think of you. When I think about RPing, I think of you. I like all these things, but then I think of you and the thought turns sour in my head.
I want to be over this. I want to not hate the name Kelly. Or Shane. I hate the name Shane because you dated him after me and he was a bastard to me. He rubbed it in because part of me still liked you, and he knew it.
It was hard since we shared the same friends. We didn't want to make it awkward with them, so we pretended everything was all right. We stayed friends and talked, though never outside of school. I want to not hate you. It takes so much energy hating someone who was my best friend, who wsa practically part of my family, as I was practically part of yours. But I do.
And I'm not saying I'm not at fault in the stress of our relationship, friendship and otherwise. I'm just saying that you were wicked and you knew it. You told me you did. And you said you'd never change. I think that is what's keeping me hung up on it. Because you know. And you don't care.
Part of me hates you. And part of me just wants you to go away. I don't know how to stop hating you. But I want to find out. I want to be able to think about video games and not have a ball of hate whell up in my chest. There is so much of my past that's wrapped up in you, and it kills me.
It's exhausting, hating someone for so long. It's bad enough I hate my father with such vigor, but you, too? I want to be better than this, but I don't know how...
Goodness gracious, You really fucked me up.
You really fucked me up.
I really want to confront you, to tell you that. But it doesn't seem adequete. You did. Oh, you undoubtably did. But you need to know why, how. The thing is, I don't even know how. What am I supposed to say? A lot of the things I like, you like. We were friends growing up, so we like the same things. That happens. But it sucks that it's so much of it. I said sucks just for you. Nothing "sucks," it only pulls or pushes. I know that, you know that. But I'm going to say it because I know you know it's not real.
That's how I know I'm still angry with you. When I listen to Linkin Park I think of you. When I think about my house in Gig Harbor, I think of you. When I think about HTML, I think of you. When I think about RPing, I think of you. I like all these things, but then I think of you and the thought turns sour in my head.
I want to be over this. I want to not hate the name Kelly. Or Shane. I hate the name Shane because you dated him after me and he was a bastard to me. He rubbed it in because part of me still liked you, and he knew it.
It was hard since we shared the same friends. We didn't want to make it awkward with them, so we pretended everything was all right. We stayed friends and talked, though never outside of school. I want to not hate you. It takes so much energy hating someone who was my best friend, who wsa practically part of my family, as I was practically part of yours. But I do.
And I'm not saying I'm not at fault in the stress of our relationship, friendship and otherwise. I'm just saying that you were wicked and you knew it. You told me you did. And you said you'd never change. I think that is what's keeping me hung up on it. Because you know. And you don't care.
Part of me hates you. And part of me just wants you to go away. I don't know how to stop hating you. But I want to find out. I want to be able to think about video games and not have a ball of hate whell up in my chest. There is so much of my past that's wrapped up in you, and it kills me.
It's exhausting, hating someone for so long. It's bad enough I hate my father with such vigor, but you, too? I want to be better than this, but I don't know how...
Goodness gracious, You really fucked me up.