(no subject)
in your head sometimes you see things you don't want to see. it's not just in the dreams anymore. it's a moment where i sit quietly and i look around and suddenly it all flashes destruction. one of those moments of movies where wreckage and carnage are all around, the smoke and the soot carried from hundreds of miles around all whirling devils as you hear faint screams and scrapings and sounds of survival... and then i feel it.... the crawl of eyes on my skin as my spine tingles and i inevitable turn around to stare at nothing but the gray wall of my cubicle once again manifest in reality.
and people wonder why i'm jumpy.
i don't wonder if i'm going crazy anymore. long ago ever given up hope that this brain of mine gives simple answers.
an over active imagination. a wondering thought. the bitterness of suspected failure.
the words spoken to me would beg to differ. but then one has to wonder if there is one point, one big cosmic decision, what role is mine to play. there would be no reason to see anything if there isn't a role to play.
i would make a terrible prophet.
i don't pretend anymore like i've got any clue what is going one. why i can and could do what i do. it's something i accept with a shrug and a look, but it doesn't mean i don't want the answers or the reality or something other than the constant suspicion that something else is going on. i suppose if i had faith i would say it was something different. i suppose if i had faith i would find a reason. i suppose alot of things would be different if i could focus wholely on either science or faith.
as it is now i come back from those splashes suspicious and wary. waiting, always waiting for the moment when it makes sense. they're never as defined as they need to be and while significantly less creepy and distorted than when i sleep, still always haunting.
i've begun to focus on the duality of the possibilities. to live all my tomorrows today and to strive for a tomorrow of forever. there is no way of definatively knowing anything. there is no way of picking a side. at this point i will continue to walk this line and hope that maybe one day those eyes i feel watching me will solidify so that i might take an action.
and people wonder why i'm jumpy.
i don't wonder if i'm going crazy anymore. long ago ever given up hope that this brain of mine gives simple answers.
an over active imagination. a wondering thought. the bitterness of suspected failure.
the words spoken to me would beg to differ. but then one has to wonder if there is one point, one big cosmic decision, what role is mine to play. there would be no reason to see anything if there isn't a role to play.
i would make a terrible prophet.
i don't pretend anymore like i've got any clue what is going one. why i can and could do what i do. it's something i accept with a shrug and a look, but it doesn't mean i don't want the answers or the reality or something other than the constant suspicion that something else is going on. i suppose if i had faith i would say it was something different. i suppose if i had faith i would find a reason. i suppose alot of things would be different if i could focus wholely on either science or faith.
as it is now i come back from those splashes suspicious and wary. waiting, always waiting for the moment when it makes sense. they're never as defined as they need to be and while significantly less creepy and distorted than when i sleep, still always haunting.
i've begun to focus on the duality of the possibilities. to live all my tomorrows today and to strive for a tomorrow of forever. there is no way of definatively knowing anything. there is no way of picking a side. at this point i will continue to walk this line and hope that maybe one day those eyes i feel watching me will solidify so that i might take an action.