the need to let it out... because if I scream I'll cry
Building myself of steel, learning to hold it in and shut it down. To smile and move on, ignoring the nagging at the back of my mind, the sorrows and bitterness that shadow my movements. I rant and rail but never let it all go, never dwell for long before placing it deep inside, sealing it up, and locking it with a key that I even hide from myself. My soul knows me well, and he can always tear my careful protections away, and leave me more bare then i thought capable. But sometimes there are things that he cannot fix, and that i struggle to lock away. I become ragged, and bloody from the effort it takes to shut it down and not let myself be weak. I am not the person i once was. In some ways i am better, in other ways I am a pale shadow of what I could and should have been. The years have made me complacent, and slowed my mind. I am not the agile, witty creature I once was. To say i am unhappy with myself is taking it lightly. It is not just my current appearance that makes me ill, but the fact that I am not as out going as I once was, and have little knowledge about me that does not relate to my job. I am a shadow with little depth. Maybe I am too critical of myself, but I need change.
I am tired of the cruelties of life, of how each step you take to move forward it would drag you back several. Maybe we need these moments to appreciate the steps we do get to take forward, but in my experience fate is a twisted mistress. I cannot stand the thought of losing one of the brightest lights in my life, and cannot help but to blame myself. When it rains it pours and I only hope that I do not drown.
I can accept what my work does to me. I can accept being abused by a corporate business. I know how black and uncaring retail is, and that it will eat you alive if you do not perform the impossible tasks asked of you. I can take that, and lock away the bitterness of giving five years for something that will turn on me in a moment if it suits it.
I cannot make myself accept that I may lose my youngest, and most precious child because of such a stupid event. I cannot help but tear myself apart at the hours I have spent not knowing, and trusting in her strength to pull her through. To lose her I would not forgive myself for.
To in the same day, know that I could have just as easily lost one or both of my eldest sons. That we are lucky they called it quits on each other with no serious injuries... And that someone may have tried to come into our home, on top of all of this.
I am just fracturing under the weight and hoping for the morning to come swiftly, and fate to be kind. If I can have that, I can recover, I can pick my pieces up and put them together. I can make myself better and work towards being the new person I want to be... But I need my little girl, and I am going to be lost if I lose her...
So until i have my answers I will bite my tongue... because my heart cries out and wants to scream at the unfairness of it all... and if I scream I will shatter, and I don't think any one will be able to find all the pieces of me...
I am tired of the cruelties of life, of how each step you take to move forward it would drag you back several. Maybe we need these moments to appreciate the steps we do get to take forward, but in my experience fate is a twisted mistress. I cannot stand the thought of losing one of the brightest lights in my life, and cannot help but to blame myself. When it rains it pours and I only hope that I do not drown.
I can accept what my work does to me. I can accept being abused by a corporate business. I know how black and uncaring retail is, and that it will eat you alive if you do not perform the impossible tasks asked of you. I can take that, and lock away the bitterness of giving five years for something that will turn on me in a moment if it suits it.
I cannot make myself accept that I may lose my youngest, and most precious child because of such a stupid event. I cannot help but tear myself apart at the hours I have spent not knowing, and trusting in her strength to pull her through. To lose her I would not forgive myself for.
To in the same day, know that I could have just as easily lost one or both of my eldest sons. That we are lucky they called it quits on each other with no serious injuries... And that someone may have tried to come into our home, on top of all of this.
I am just fracturing under the weight and hoping for the morning to come swiftly, and fate to be kind. If I can have that, I can recover, I can pick my pieces up and put them together. I can make myself better and work towards being the new person I want to be... But I need my little girl, and I am going to be lost if I lose her...
So until i have my answers I will bite my tongue... because my heart cries out and wants to scream at the unfairness of it all... and if I scream I will shatter, and I don't think any one will be able to find all the pieces of me...