... small rant... and... small update.. and stuff
you know I'm tired. You know things are tough. You know I'm still wearing my fighting face...
The sun has not yet crested. Not really. There is still.. so... much... I feel as though so many people are transitioning from one life to the next right now... but in truth few really have, or are expected to.
I'm holding secrets from family, about family right now... why did I get to be the one to hold them? Why am I helping protect others? Why aren't you instead protecting me? I hate to claim myself as being one of the most damaged by loss as of late... but i feel I am. please don't hide your fears in me. Not now. Not this year. I'm honestly reaching my limit.. do I have one? I don't know. I truly believe I'd have reached it by now if i did.... I think I'd have reached it on December 23rd. Personally. *sigh* I don't know what I'm running on anymore. Beer and caffeine? The souls of bunnies? I have no idea.
I find myself fighting back this emotional response that borders on the mixture of terror and true, extreme despair far more often than I thought possible. I was listening to Pandora today and a Tracy Chapman song rolled through. The line "does heaven have enough angels yet?" struck a chord in me.... So i paid more attention... and though I might fall out of my chair.
The Only One lyrics
She was the only one
Of my flesh and blood
Now I have no calling
I can do no worldly good
I sit silent
I sit mourning
I sit listless all the day
I've mostly lost the voice to speak
And any words to say except
Does heaven have enough angels yet?
I've gone hard
And I've gone cold
I can't make the piece of this cracked life fit
Please forgive me for wanting to know
Does heaven have enough angels yet?
She was the only one
Of my own flesh and blood
Sometimes I hear her calling
Straight from the house of god
I've lost my patience for people right now. I cannot handle people that are unreliable or unstable right now. I am unreliable and unstable right now. I know it sounds horrible... but in most cases right now I have a hard time dealing with the concept that people believe they have the right to be so damned angst ridden when nothing has happened to them. Nothing. A stubbed toe in the world of things that matter. I know how that makes me sound. I'm sorry for it. I can go to work every day, sleep every night, laugh with my husband and live a normal, happy, angst free moment most days. If I can do it, 2 months after December. Learn. To. Fucking. Cope.
*brighter notes of life*
Mick and Bill bought me a ticket to Avenue Q for my birthday. I am freaken excited. Also over the firstish week of March Eric and I are going up to Sedona. of Course the reason we're going is not exactly a happy one, but we're going up there to spend some quiet time together now that we've stepped back into the world for a while. We need to regroup. Before we kill people.
I'm hunting for a new Tattoo artist it seems *sigh* sad Killa. I do have some art picked out now though.
I've been working pretty heavily on writing Erotic Fic lately. Why? because I can and it makes me happy. What makes you happy? go do that.
The sun has not yet crested. Not really. There is still.. so... much... I feel as though so many people are transitioning from one life to the next right now... but in truth few really have, or are expected to.
I'm holding secrets from family, about family right now... why did I get to be the one to hold them? Why am I helping protect others? Why aren't you instead protecting me? I hate to claim myself as being one of the most damaged by loss as of late... but i feel I am. please don't hide your fears in me. Not now. Not this year. I'm honestly reaching my limit.. do I have one? I don't know. I truly believe I'd have reached it by now if i did.... I think I'd have reached it on December 23rd. Personally. *sigh* I don't know what I'm running on anymore. Beer and caffeine? The souls of bunnies? I have no idea.
I find myself fighting back this emotional response that borders on the mixture of terror and true, extreme despair far more often than I thought possible. I was listening to Pandora today and a Tracy Chapman song rolled through. The line "does heaven have enough angels yet?" struck a chord in me.... So i paid more attention... and though I might fall out of my chair.
The Only One lyrics
She was the only one
Of my flesh and blood
Now I have no calling
I can do no worldly good
I sit silent
I sit mourning
I sit listless all the day
I've mostly lost the voice to speak
And any words to say except
Does heaven have enough angels yet?
I've gone hard
And I've gone cold
I can't make the piece of this cracked life fit
Please forgive me for wanting to know
Does heaven have enough angels yet?
She was the only one
Of my own flesh and blood
Sometimes I hear her calling
Straight from the house of god
I've lost my patience for people right now. I cannot handle people that are unreliable or unstable right now. I am unreliable and unstable right now. I know it sounds horrible... but in most cases right now I have a hard time dealing with the concept that people believe they have the right to be so damned angst ridden when nothing has happened to them. Nothing. A stubbed toe in the world of things that matter. I know how that makes me sound. I'm sorry for it. I can go to work every day, sleep every night, laugh with my husband and live a normal, happy, angst free moment most days. If I can do it, 2 months after December. Learn. To. Fucking. Cope.
*brighter notes of life*
Mick and Bill bought me a ticket to Avenue Q for my birthday. I am freaken excited. Also over the firstish week of March Eric and I are going up to Sedona. of Course the reason we're going is not exactly a happy one, but we're going up there to spend some quiet time together now that we've stepped back into the world for a while. We need to regroup. Before we kill people.
I'm hunting for a new Tattoo artist it seems *sigh* sad Killa. I do have some art picked out now though.
I've been working pretty heavily on writing Erotic Fic lately. Why? because I can and it makes me happy. What makes you happy? go do that.