(no subject)
I'm on an airplane somewhere over Utah flying back from Phoenix to Seattle. My brother's parting words are chewing at me. "Have a good trip back. I hope you find some optimism." This trip was a very bad idea. I knew when I agreed. I know that my mother and I are toxic for eachother. I know that all the bad memories flood back. I know I can't do anything right when I am there and that the dry air feels awful. But my optimism ruled out. I could go see my chiropractor from my childhood and maybe help all the body pains. I'd get to see my family. A convention was going on that had some actors I liked as a kid at it. It would do me good to sunbake a bit... And the dread of turning down my mother's invitation a second time when she did not take the first no... So I went. Trying to be optimistic, and I was let down. I was let down by my emotions. I was let down by the idea that I wouldn't have to be on eggshells around my mom, I was let down by the hopes of seeing some of my childhood actors in panels. The chiropractor was closed even thoughI checked the website before booking the ticket that they were open. The sunbake was a little good for my overall body ache but my skin is so dry it is cracking. Sharon picking me up from the airport was not a disapointment. Meeting Little Nell was not a disapointment. We spent 20 minutes chatting about Australia (she is from Sydney) I became homesick. I don't know how to have some optimism without ending up crushed when everything goes how I fear it will. I think it is easier to prepare for the worst and be plesantly suprised when it does not give you a load of shit. I see optimists and I envy them. My brother's comment got me wondering. Was I ever a happy child? I don't remember. I can remember definatly being a pessimist by the time I was 7. I still tried to be optimistic about things, but maybe I was just always setting unrealistic goals or images of what things were. I had day after christmas let down for nearly everything. Being told my girlscout troop was going horseback riding, I thought we would get to help saddle up horses, and go ride a trail and maybe have a picnic lunch or stop off at a lake/river/stream... We sat on horses who followed other horses around a dry dusty paddock for an hour in a circle. Expecting that bringing home an A on a paper I waa proud of would get a proud response instead of a half arsed monotone "that's good dear"... Expecting disney land to be fun... Expecting to have my mom be proud of me for finding a hole in my bicycle tyre, disassembling it, finding the hole, patching it and purting it back myself without direction... Exoecting that if I go through school, give it a good shot, graduate in the top of my class, that I will be able to take those skills and make a living with them.... I do expect to much. I'm homesick. Homesick for the one place that has ever felt like home... And I feel nit good enough for it.