30
So, it hit midnight, I turned 30. I am starting off this new decade of my life by crying my eyes out. I have known, really known deep down since I was 7 or so that I would not make it to 30. But here I am. Wishing I wasn't. Today was decision day. One of three choices laid out in front of me. I have been unemployed for the better part of the last year and a half. no one will hire me. I have now been unemployed so long I can not even get a call back from fast food places or supermarkets. So at my whits end I decided to see about the military. So long as I could make it through boot camp and not fuck up too bad, it would be pretty secure work for the next 4 years. I went to the recruiting office today, talked to the recruiter. I can't do it. It goes against too much of who I am. My other 2 choices are to try to find an over the road truck driving job again with a shit company that does not care that it has been years since I have driven. I called the 2 crappiest companies out there. their recruiters do not want me. they have plenty of drivers who have more recent experience than I do. So I hit my 3rd option... not making it to my 30th. It has been sounding better and better for months. I talked with a few people. I put my affairs in order. I made sure things were taken care of. Then I chose D. Give it one more year. MAKE things change. This last decade has been for the most part pretty shitty. The one before it was just as bad. Every year life gets worse. Every year my depression gets worse. Every year I have more days of going to bed wishing I would never wake up. I am bitter, and nasty and jaded and mean and not a person *I* want to be around. So why would anyone else. I am going to try something new. I am going to treat my depression as if it were an alcohol or drug issue. I am going to avoid it. I am going to purposefully fill that part with anything and everything for it to not have any space to be. I am going to stop just seeing the negative in people and things and work on seeing the good. I am going to stop flying off the handle and letting little things become huge. I am going to stop letting things fester and tell people when things bother me. I am going to be honest about my feelings, and thoughts, and be blunt. I am going to stop complaining about things I can not fix, and go find ways to fix them. I can not stand Seattle drivers. I am going to petition the middle schools and high schools to let me come in and do a speech about road curtasy especially involving motorcycles and trucks. I may not make it better, but at least I might plants seeds in the heads of future drivers to be better on the roads. I am going to go back to things I enjoyed when I was very young and try to find SOMETHING that makes me happy. I will go find a library and begin making my way through every book in it. I will go walk along the beach and build sand castles more. I will take the bike out and go explore by myself sometimes. I will be honest and ask for help when my depression gets the better of me instead of pretending that everything is fine, then ending up under my bed crying with a knife. I need help. Maybe it is time to see if stubbornness can overcome this. 1 year. Lets see if it works.