The Most Wasted of All Days by Faelinn, McKay/Sheppard, Sheppard/McKay,
Title: The Most Wasted of All Days
Author: faelinn
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Slash
Warnings: Vague sexual references.
Pairing: Sheppard/McKay, Sheppard/Dex
Disclaimer: They’re not mine.
Summary/Author’s Note: In short, Sheppard cheats on Ronon with Rodney, and everyone feels guilty as they hide from the pitchfork-wielding villagers of the planet they’re stuck on.
A/N: My only excuse is boredom....Actually, I’m quite surprised that I finished this. My sister told me I had to be off the computer to watch a movie with her by 9, and I think I made it. Barely. So, yeah, speed-writing. :)
The title’s from e.e. cummings: The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
Note: I still have seen only most of Season 2 and a few eps of Season 3, so please tell me if you notice something that’s glaringly wrong. :D And this entry used to be backdated by 1 year. Like always, I'll change that soon.
There was something slightly infuriating about Ronon Dex, but it was one of those impossible-to-pinpoint sort of things that not even the grandest microscope and the most infuriatingly self-assured scientist could ever hope to truly define, so John Sheppard had pretty much given up on naming whatever it was. Still, today was one of those days when he just wanted something to call it just so he could blame Ronon for something, maybe do a bit of irrational yelling to go with it, that sort of thing.
It wasn’t his fault that they were here, stranded and hungry. It wasn’t even his fault that the nearest village was all up in...not arms, but pitchforks, which were the sort of thing that John just didn’t like to call by any name that would link them to weapons. Still, they were pointy, and they did hurt. That wasn’t even guesswork; John knew they hurt from a couple jabs of experience.
It was actually more of Rodney’s fault, which was utterly unsurprising, but he couldn’t yell at Rodney when the man was all twisted up and nervous, not if he wanted him to fix the damn radio in any reasonable amount of time. Still, it hadn’t been smart of Rodney to...well, to speak at all. That sort of thing, the speaking, it usually seemed to lead to pitchforks. Apparently, Rodney was just naturally offensive.
Sighing, John glanced back over at Ronon, who seemed to be doing his usual incredibly accurate impression of an exceptionally strong and dangerous rock. If the man would just look worried or something, he knew the situation would just somehow become so much more tolerable.
But, though admitting it wasn’t on his current list of priorities, he knew that Ronon didn’t look worried because he wasn’t, because he trusted that John could and would fix things, just like always. It wasn’t exactly a big bit of pressure; really, it was more the equivalent of a super-volcano’s worth of pressure.
“You getting anywhere?” John called to Rodney.
Whether the other man heard him or not wasn’t really clear, but he definitely wasn’t answering. Instead, he just sat hunched over and mumbling to himself over the small pile of equipment before him. If John squinted in just the right way, he could track a heavy line of sweat that was dripping down the other man’s face.
Scowling, John opened his mouth to call again.
“He’s just going to tell you it’s impossible and then confuse you with his big words again,” Ronon pointed out casually.
If anything, John’s scowl only deepened as he turned to glance over at the other man. In fact, if his scowl had been a geological formation, it might have rivaled the Grand Canyon. Because of this, Ronon’s complete and utter lack of any sort of reaction was doubly annoying.
“I know that,” John replied tightly, feeling like he was spitting out the words.
“Then why’d you ask?” Ronon asked, sounding genuinely curious.
John couldn’t hide his irritation, so he just looked away. Though there were only a trees to see, it was better than trying to deal with Ronon, and the trees were actually quite picturesque. For a moment, he just stared, taking in the vibrant orange color of their leaves. Then, he blinked.
“Is it fall here?” he asked slowly, turning to look at Rodney.
The other man glanced up from his work, frowning slightly before glancing around. Within a few moments, he was back to staring at the plethora of mechanical pieces spread out before him. John could see a small line forming between Rodney’s eyebrows as the other man glared down at the tiny items.
“No, it’s actually more like this planet’s spring,” Rodney distractedly informed him. His voice was tight with stress.
“But the leaves-”
“Are orange, yes, I know,” snapped Rodney.
There were about a million different and nicer ways Rodney could have said that, but that wouldn’t have been very characteristic of the other man, so John wasn’t surprised. Instead, he just shook his head and leaned back against the tree he was standing beside. Its bark was hard and uncomfortable, textured in odd ridges and bumpy bulges that stabbed into his back.
“Okay,” John muttered, forcing the words out as a long sigh. He could already imagine the red stripes and dots that were probably already forming on his skin, reminders of the bark’s hard pressure.
Without even turning, he could feel the pressure of Ronon’s eyes on him.
* * *
Rodney was fidgeting, but he was fairly certain that no one had noticed. Still, though he didn’t admit it very often, he had been wrong on occasion. Usually, that was the sort of topic that Sheppard brought up during every questionable situation they were thrown into; Rodney actually blamed his remembrance of such times solely on the other man’s constant reminders.
But he was almost sure that he was right about things this time. With Sheppard so focused on ignoring Ronon, and Ronon so focused on doing his usual big and scary act, it didn’t seem likely that either one would notice Rodney’s furtive glances at them. Still, it didn’t help that every other time he was wrong had usually ended in some sort of disaster. They weren’t even small disasters or simple disasters. No, planet-ending disasters were his specialty. But he still thought that didn’t seem too likely in this particular instance.
Sighing, he leaned forward over the radio pieces and tried to ignore the tense situation behind him. Really, it was ridiculous. He knew that, and he suspected John knew that, too, but there was that serious layer around the entire situation, an actual problem within it that was really his fault. That all kind of eclipsed the whole immature part.
Rodney really didn’t want to think too much about that right now. He swallowed nervously, trying to push away his guilt. It didn’t seem to work.
“Teyla still gone?” That was John’s voice, but Rodney studiously stared at the work set out before him.
“Yeah.” And that was obviously Ronon and his always astonishing conversational skills, Rodney decided irritably. Really, the other man just wasn’t meant to be a talker. However, hearing the two men actually speaking without that tense edge in their voices was still a welcome relief.
“Go find her, okay? She should have been back already.”
And...and that wasn’t what Rodney wanted to hear. Great. Now he’d be alone with Sheppard, and Rodney had this sinking feeling that, unlike the whole thing with Ronon, Sheppard would actually want to talk to him. Clearly, that wouldn’t be good in any sense of the word.
The sound of Ronon’s retreating footsteps was suddenly more unwelcome than a bowl filled with oranges, and Rodney could only look straight at the small bits and pieces of equipment in front of him. It was a plainly desperate attempt to avoid an actual conversation, and Rodney already knew it was purely futile and doomed to failure.
For several minutes, there was silence. Then, he could hear Sheppard moving, coming to stand beside him. After a moment, the other man dropped down into a crouch beside him, curiously peering at the work Rodney had done. Then, there was more silence. And more silence. And just some more thrown in for good measure.
Maybe talking would be better than this, Rodney thought irritably.
“What?!” he finally snapped as he turned around to look at Sheppard.
“Do I really have to say that we need to talk? Because, I mean, you already know that, right?”
“Yeah, it goes with the whole genius thing,” Rodney muttered.
“Then I suppose you remember the whole us-sleeping-together-last-night thing, right?”
“Can I answer no?”
Sheppard just glared at him.
“Fine, fine. I remember. I also remember your big, hulking boyfriend. You know, the guy you’ve been glaring at all day?”
“I’ve not been-” Sheppard began to speak, but it was Rodney’s turn to glare now, and he did so with considerable strength, easily stopping Sheppard in the middle of his sentence. For a moment, the two men just scowled at each other.
“Okay, maybe a little. And he’s not my boyfriend,” Sheppard finally finished.
“You sleep together.”
“Well, apparently so do we!”
“Once!”
“And that was probably a mistake,” Sheppard muttered grumpily.
Rodney knew that his mouth had dropped open at that, but he didn’t quite close it. After all, he had some things to say to that, and an open mouth? It just seemed to help with all of that talking business, or, in this case, that yelling business.
“Probably a mistake?! Probably?! There’s no probably about it! Maybe you’re thinking of certainly or definitely or surely but not probably!” That...had been a little more on-the-edge sounding than he’d planned. Though he didn’t want to admit it, even Rodney had noticed the shrieking edge his voice had taken on toward the end of his little rant, but, when Sheppard winced slightly, he still found himself contemplating different methods of murder and body disposal.
The two men glared at each other, and there was nothing friendly about it.
Finally, Rodney gave in and asked, “Did you tell Ronon?”
“No.”
A long silence followed.
* * *
Rodney wasn’t talking anymore, and waiting for a reply was starting to seem rather futile. Sighing softly, John leaned back, getting comfortable as he watched Rodney go back to the business of assembling the communications device. As a child, John had put together countless puzzles, spending hours trying to find the right piece for the right spot. This looked like it was kind of like that.
When he was still very young, John had accidentally mixed up a few puzzle pieces, and for hours he had struggled to fit one particularly bright pink piece into an almost completely black and deep blue color scheme. It had taken him hours to realize that the close proximity of his night sky puzzle to his flamingo one might have been the cause of his problem. Judging by Rodney’s expression, that, too, was undeniably similar to this situation.
Abruptly, John reached for one of the small metal parts laid out in front of Rodney. It fit easily in his hands, hard and still cold against his palm even with the warming spring sun shining down in full force.
“Well, not telling Ronon just kills your whole heroic image,” Rodney muttered bitingly, abruptly restarting the conversation where they had left off. He moved, quickly snatching the piece out of John’s hands. After taking the time to glare at it like it held some sort of special answer, he carelessly dropped it back into his little pile of junk. It glinted brightly.
“No, it just proves that I have some self-preservation instincts,” John replied tightly. Without thinking, he snatched the object back.
Rodney glared at him and grabbed hold of John’s wrist, trying to wrestle the object from the other man’s grasp. John merely glared right back and tightened his grip. Rodney tried to pry it loose, picking at John’s clenched fingers, but the other man wasn’t letting go.
“Ah, so you’re afraid of your boyfriend?” Rodney taunted as he pulled at John’s hand.
“No, I’m afraid of my not-boyfriend.”
Abruptly, Rodney let go of John’s hand and looked away, obviously frustrated.
“But if he’s not your boyfriend, then what is he?”
“I don’t know,” John snapped. His fingers still tightly gripped the small piece of metal, and he unconsciously tapped his index finger against its smooth surface. “But would you really want to call Ronon someone’s boyfriend?”
“Yeah, I guess it doesn’t really fit him. He’s too scary to be a boyfriend,” Rodney admitted thoughtfully.
John stared down at his hand without bothering to come up with a response. After a moment, he raised his hand up to his eyes, looking at the object clenched in his fingers for one last time. It seemed to suddenly become silly and superficial, and John dropped it back in front of Rodney without saying a word.
His hand felt strangely empty without it.
“So, you’re not going to tell him?” Rodney finally asked. His eyes strayed to the object, but he remained strangely silent about it.
“No.”
“But-”
“He doesn’t need to know. It’ll just hurt or confuse him, and, well, he might kill me,” John pointed out.
Rodney stared. His lips turned down, forcing his mouth into a tight, angry frown that made John feel strangely sick. Without thinking, he looked away.
“Fine. It’s your choice,” Rodney said stiffly.
John nodded without glancing back at the other man and concentrated instead on trying to control his growing headache. It was hard to think with the dull, throbbing pain running constantly in the background of his head, but there was just too much to keep track. Deep in the forest, John thought he could hear the soft sound of crunching leaves. He tried not to frown too deeply, but he was still afraid that Rodney might have noticed. Obviously, this wasn’t the time to let a simple headache distract him, especially when everything around them was unfamiliar and potentially dangerous.
A quick look at the surrounding area convinced him that they were probably alone, but John still thought he heard faint noises in the heavily wooded area. Little rustles and cracks set his nerves on edge, and he gritted his teeth together as he glanced around again. Yet, strangely enough, he wasn’t too afraid of the planet’s natives coming after them; instead, he worried about Ronon hiding in the dense underbrush and listening. It was a foolish worry.
It also wasn’t going away.
“You know you’re just angry with him because-” Rodney began to speak.
“Because I’m mad at myself. I know,” interrupted John.
“Not exactly what I was going to say, but okay. I was really leaning towards you being angry for the simple fact that your boyfriend is quite frankly just a rather infuriating sort of person. I mean, don’t you get sick of the strong, invincible act?” Rodney paused, thinking. “Well, I guess you do. I mean, you had sex with me.”
John sighed, slumping forward and staring at the tiny, trampled blades of grass that were half-trapped under his shoes and probably struggling to survive. Strangely enough, he almost empathized with them.
“Just...just get back to work, McKay,” he muttered unhappily.
* * *
It was almost done, nearly perfectly complete, and Rodney wasn’t sure if there was anything more wonderful than that. He wanted off this planet and out of this miserable forest, wanted to go back to his room and try to sort out his thoughts, wanted to eat something, wanted to sleep, and basically just wanted to get away from Sheppard.
Quickly, he tightened a few wires on the communications device and placed it down in front of him. It still looked haphazardly thrown together, but its unappealing appearance wouldn’t stop it from getting a signal out to Lorne’s team back at the jumper. Then they wouldn’t have to even worry about getting past the villagers’ barricade at the Stargate, since Rodney was pretty sure most sane people wouldn’t stand around when large objects were hurtling through the air in their direction. Maybe they could finally get home. Maybe.
“Done,” he announced.
Sheppard nodded slowly, but he didn’t look over at Rodney when he spoke.“We have to wait for Teyla and Ronon.”
“I still don’t understand why we parked the jumper so far away in the first place,” Rodney muttered grumpily.
“I already told you, the village was too near the gate. We didn’t want them to just come across it by accident or something. They could run into it or something,” explained Sheppard, finally looking up. After glancing at the communications device for several seconds, he reached over and picked it up. His eyes were thoughtful as he turned it over in his hands.
“Still...it could have been closer. I mean, now we have to tell Elizabeth that we went missing for 12 hours because we forgot where we parked the car,” Rodney snapped. His hands itched to snatch the device back, but he carefully forced them to rest against his legs.
“I didn’t forget. Being chased by people with pitchforks just screwed up my sense of direction,” Sheppard protested. As he spoke, he started to toss the device from hand to hand in quick, easy movements, and, though Rodney winced each time it left Sheppard’s hand, he didn’t protest.
“Sure, whatever. I still can’t believe Ronon couldn’t find it. Guess his tracking skills aren’t as good as he thinks,” Rodney added derisively as his eyes continued to follow the device’s back-and-forth movement.
“Lorne moved the jumper,” Ronon announced, suddenly appearing behind the two men.
Rodney almost screamed in surprise, but, since he knew just how ridiculous his screams could sound, he managed to stifle the sound into something that was at least sort of similar to a dignified squeak. Ronon still gave him a funny look, but that was better than a full-out laugh. Rodney was willing to settle for that at this point.
Abruptly, he stilled, and, wincing in anticipation, turned to look at Sheppard’s hands...and the communications device. It remained miraculously unharmed in the other man’s hands, and, as Rodney stared in shock, Sheppard merely shook his head in amusement and tossed the device back-and-forth a few more times.
They could still get back to the jumper, which...Lorne had moved?
“What?!” Rodney asked, frowning in confusion as his mind finally processed Ronon’s announcement.
“He moved it when the villagers got too close,” Ronon explained.
Sheppard slowly set the communications device down in front of Rodney and leaned forward, completely focused on Ronon. Rodney wanted to think that was because of their conversation, but he knew it had nothing to do with personal problems. Right now, Sheppard was just centered on his work, nothing more.
“And how did you figure this out?” he asked curiously.
“I just asked Lorne. He’s in the village with Teyla.”
“The village?!” Sheppard asked sharply, frowning. As he spoke, Rodney picked up the device and cupped it in his hands, effectively hiding it from Sheppard’s sight.
“Yeah. The villagers say they just hate McKay,” Ronon replied calmly, apparently oblivious to Sheppard’s growing displeasure.
“Well, that’s ridiculous,” Rodney protested. As he spoke, he nervously glanced at Sheppard . The other man was just staring at them with a particularly unreadable expression, but it still left Rodney feeling vaguely nervous.
“I couldn’t believe it either,” Ronon stated with a completely straight face.
Rodney eyed him suspiciously but didn’t comment.
“I told you and Teyla to stay away from the village,” Sheppard quietly reminded Ronon. His lips were pressed together in a tight, angry line that leeched away any warmth that might have lingered in the rest of his face.
Ronon merely nodded.
Rodney cringed.
Sheppard just sighed and stood up. “Let’s go get the jumper then, okay?”
Without waiting for an answer, he stepped forward and began to walk towards the forest surrounding him. He didn’t seem to have any particular destination in mind, or, if he did, then he was going to be unpleasantly surprised if he kept going in that direction. Rodney was pretty sure that Ronon had come from the opposite direction, but he wasn’t going to be the one to try to tell Sheppard that bit of information.
Swallowing tightly, he quickly gathered up his things, shooting a nervous glance at Ronon as he did. The big man was just standing there, his whole body eerily still as he stared at Sheppard’s back with a painfully sad look in his eyes. After a moment, he walked forward, easily catching up to the other man.
“This way,” he muttered softly, his voice almost too quiet for Rodney to hear. His hand rose up, pointing in the opposite direction.
“Whatever,” Sheppard snapped impatiently.
Ronon just nodded again and moved ahead of Sheppard, slipping into the forest on silent feet. It should have been a normal enough moment, another day of letting Ronon lead the way through the wilderness they always seemed to get caught in, but it wasn’t. Rodney frowned and tried not to think too much about the defeated look he’d seen on Ronon’s face.
“Real smooth,” Rodney snapped quietly as he walked up to Sheppard.
“Just as smooth as you were last night,” the other man replied snidely.
“Oh, great, sex jokes, just what I needed to hear. And what does that even mean?”
Sheppard merely shrugged, and, when Rodney stared at him with accusing eyes, he didn’t even look away, just stared right back. And...it wasn’t worth it, Rodney decided. Sighing softly, he walked away from the other man, hurrying as much as he could until he was nearly beside Ronon with Sheppard just following along behind them.
For a moment, they walked in silence, but Rodney kept replaying the look he’d seen on Ronon’s face, a look he knew really couldn’t be anything but what he didn’t want to admit it was: knowledge. A sick feeling settled down in his stomach, the sort of feeling he always felt when he knew there was something he had to do that he really didn’t want to even think about.
This really wasn’t turning out to be a good day.
“You know, don’t you?” Rodney asked softly, casting a sidelong glance at Ronon.
The other man nodded.
“Why...why haven’t you said anything?” Rodney licked his lips nervously and tried not to notice how dry his mouth was. A heart-to-heart talk with Ronon had never sounded particularly appealing, but it was even less so now that Rodney had slept with the other man’s lover.
“I know what would happen if I did that,” Ronon said, and his voice was so perfectly blank that Rodney winced and looked away.
“It was just a one-night stand. That’s all,” he told the other man in a tone he thought was reassuring.
Ronon glanced at him out of the corner of his eye for a brief second and then looked back at the path before them. His face remained just as blank and unrevealing as his voice, but Rodney thought he knew better now. After all, he had seen how the other man had looked at Sheppard, and that look had been anything but okay.
“Sure,” Ronon replied noncommittally.
“So, that’s it? You’re just going to pretend nothing happened?”
“It’s the only thing I can do.”
Rodney faltered in his steps, falling behind and staring at Ronon with wide eyes. The other man didn’t stop or even slow his steps, and Rodney thought that he would have seemed fine to him a week ago. Today, Rodney knew better, but all he could do was stare after the man and wish for some sort of solution.
His feet suddenly felt like they were tied to the ground with impossibly heavy chains.
“What’s wrong?” Sheppard said as he caught up to Rodney.
“How could you do this to him? How could we do this?” Rodney asked. He didn’t even try to hide the bitter anger in his voice.
Sheppard sighed and grabbed hold of Rodney’s hand, tugging on him insistently until he unwillingly stumbled forward. A quick glare convinced the other man to let go of him, but Rodney didn’t stop again. In his hands, he abruptly noticed the cold, hard edges of the communications device. When he opened his hands to look, it was just an intolerable reminder of the way things stood between the three of them. He’d fixed the device, but nothing else had changed, nothing else had gotten better.
“It was a mistake,” Sheppard admitted. “And I don’t think I can forgive myself.”
“And I don’t think you should. I don’t think either of us deserves any sort of forgiveness,” Rodney added.
Sheppard just nodded. His eyes followed Ronon, never straying far from the other man, and Rodney thought he saw some of the same desperation in his eyes that he’d seen in Ronon’s. Yet, it wasn’t reassuring.
A/N: Comments, please? Sorry if this fic’s a bit odd.... It feels quite different from my other stuff in this fandom, but that was kind of the point. :D ETA: Am contemplating a second part. Opinions?
Author: faelinn
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Slash
Warnings: Vague sexual references.
Pairing: Sheppard/McKay, Sheppard/Dex
Disclaimer: They’re not mine.
Summary/Author’s Note: In short, Sheppard cheats on Ronon with Rodney, and everyone feels guilty as they hide from the pitchfork-wielding villagers of the planet they’re stuck on.
A/N: My only excuse is boredom....Actually, I’m quite surprised that I finished this. My sister told me I had to be off the computer to watch a movie with her by 9, and I think I made it. Barely. So, yeah, speed-writing. :)
The title’s from e.e. cummings: The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
Note: I still have seen only most of Season 2 and a few eps of Season 3, so please tell me if you notice something that’s glaringly wrong. :D And this entry used to be backdated by 1 year. Like always, I'll change that soon.
There was something slightly infuriating about Ronon Dex, but it was one of those impossible-to-pinpoint sort of things that not even the grandest microscope and the most infuriatingly self-assured scientist could ever hope to truly define, so John Sheppard had pretty much given up on naming whatever it was. Still, today was one of those days when he just wanted something to call it just so he could blame Ronon for something, maybe do a bit of irrational yelling to go with it, that sort of thing.
It wasn’t his fault that they were here, stranded and hungry. It wasn’t even his fault that the nearest village was all up in...not arms, but pitchforks, which were the sort of thing that John just didn’t like to call by any name that would link them to weapons. Still, they were pointy, and they did hurt. That wasn’t even guesswork; John knew they hurt from a couple jabs of experience.
It was actually more of Rodney’s fault, which was utterly unsurprising, but he couldn’t yell at Rodney when the man was all twisted up and nervous, not if he wanted him to fix the damn radio in any reasonable amount of time. Still, it hadn’t been smart of Rodney to...well, to speak at all. That sort of thing, the speaking, it usually seemed to lead to pitchforks. Apparently, Rodney was just naturally offensive.
Sighing, John glanced back over at Ronon, who seemed to be doing his usual incredibly accurate impression of an exceptionally strong and dangerous rock. If the man would just look worried or something, he knew the situation would just somehow become so much more tolerable.
But, though admitting it wasn’t on his current list of priorities, he knew that Ronon didn’t look worried because he wasn’t, because he trusted that John could and would fix things, just like always. It wasn’t exactly a big bit of pressure; really, it was more the equivalent of a super-volcano’s worth of pressure.
“You getting anywhere?” John called to Rodney.
Whether the other man heard him or not wasn’t really clear, but he definitely wasn’t answering. Instead, he just sat hunched over and mumbling to himself over the small pile of equipment before him. If John squinted in just the right way, he could track a heavy line of sweat that was dripping down the other man’s face.
Scowling, John opened his mouth to call again.
“He’s just going to tell you it’s impossible and then confuse you with his big words again,” Ronon pointed out casually.
If anything, John’s scowl only deepened as he turned to glance over at the other man. In fact, if his scowl had been a geological formation, it might have rivaled the Grand Canyon. Because of this, Ronon’s complete and utter lack of any sort of reaction was doubly annoying.
“I know that,” John replied tightly, feeling like he was spitting out the words.
“Then why’d you ask?” Ronon asked, sounding genuinely curious.
John couldn’t hide his irritation, so he just looked away. Though there were only a trees to see, it was better than trying to deal with Ronon, and the trees were actually quite picturesque. For a moment, he just stared, taking in the vibrant orange color of their leaves. Then, he blinked.
“Is it fall here?” he asked slowly, turning to look at Rodney.
The other man glanced up from his work, frowning slightly before glancing around. Within a few moments, he was back to staring at the plethora of mechanical pieces spread out before him. John could see a small line forming between Rodney’s eyebrows as the other man glared down at the tiny items.
“No, it’s actually more like this planet’s spring,” Rodney distractedly informed him. His voice was tight with stress.
“But the leaves-”
“Are orange, yes, I know,” snapped Rodney.
There were about a million different and nicer ways Rodney could have said that, but that wouldn’t have been very characteristic of the other man, so John wasn’t surprised. Instead, he just shook his head and leaned back against the tree he was standing beside. Its bark was hard and uncomfortable, textured in odd ridges and bumpy bulges that stabbed into his back.
“Okay,” John muttered, forcing the words out as a long sigh. He could already imagine the red stripes and dots that were probably already forming on his skin, reminders of the bark’s hard pressure.
Without even turning, he could feel the pressure of Ronon’s eyes on him.
* * *
Rodney was fidgeting, but he was fairly certain that no one had noticed. Still, though he didn’t admit it very often, he had been wrong on occasion. Usually, that was the sort of topic that Sheppard brought up during every questionable situation they were thrown into; Rodney actually blamed his remembrance of such times solely on the other man’s constant reminders.
But he was almost sure that he was right about things this time. With Sheppard so focused on ignoring Ronon, and Ronon so focused on doing his usual big and scary act, it didn’t seem likely that either one would notice Rodney’s furtive glances at them. Still, it didn’t help that every other time he was wrong had usually ended in some sort of disaster. They weren’t even small disasters or simple disasters. No, planet-ending disasters were his specialty. But he still thought that didn’t seem too likely in this particular instance.
Sighing, he leaned forward over the radio pieces and tried to ignore the tense situation behind him. Really, it was ridiculous. He knew that, and he suspected John knew that, too, but there was that serious layer around the entire situation, an actual problem within it that was really his fault. That all kind of eclipsed the whole immature part.
Rodney really didn’t want to think too much about that right now. He swallowed nervously, trying to push away his guilt. It didn’t seem to work.
“Teyla still gone?” That was John’s voice, but Rodney studiously stared at the work set out before him.
“Yeah.” And that was obviously Ronon and his always astonishing conversational skills, Rodney decided irritably. Really, the other man just wasn’t meant to be a talker. However, hearing the two men actually speaking without that tense edge in their voices was still a welcome relief.
“Go find her, okay? She should have been back already.”
And...and that wasn’t what Rodney wanted to hear. Great. Now he’d be alone with Sheppard, and Rodney had this sinking feeling that, unlike the whole thing with Ronon, Sheppard would actually want to talk to him. Clearly, that wouldn’t be good in any sense of the word.
The sound of Ronon’s retreating footsteps was suddenly more unwelcome than a bowl filled with oranges, and Rodney could only look straight at the small bits and pieces of equipment in front of him. It was a plainly desperate attempt to avoid an actual conversation, and Rodney already knew it was purely futile and doomed to failure.
For several minutes, there was silence. Then, he could hear Sheppard moving, coming to stand beside him. After a moment, the other man dropped down into a crouch beside him, curiously peering at the work Rodney had done. Then, there was more silence. And more silence. And just some more thrown in for good measure.
Maybe talking would be better than this, Rodney thought irritably.
“What?!” he finally snapped as he turned around to look at Sheppard.
“Do I really have to say that we need to talk? Because, I mean, you already know that, right?”
“Yeah, it goes with the whole genius thing,” Rodney muttered.
“Then I suppose you remember the whole us-sleeping-together-last-night thing, right?”
“Can I answer no?”
Sheppard just glared at him.
“Fine, fine. I remember. I also remember your big, hulking boyfriend. You know, the guy you’ve been glaring at all day?”
“I’ve not been-” Sheppard began to speak, but it was Rodney’s turn to glare now, and he did so with considerable strength, easily stopping Sheppard in the middle of his sentence. For a moment, the two men just scowled at each other.
“Okay, maybe a little. And he’s not my boyfriend,” Sheppard finally finished.
“You sleep together.”
“Well, apparently so do we!”
“Once!”
“And that was probably a mistake,” Sheppard muttered grumpily.
Rodney knew that his mouth had dropped open at that, but he didn’t quite close it. After all, he had some things to say to that, and an open mouth? It just seemed to help with all of that talking business, or, in this case, that yelling business.
“Probably a mistake?! Probably?! There’s no probably about it! Maybe you’re thinking of certainly or definitely or surely but not probably!” That...had been a little more on-the-edge sounding than he’d planned. Though he didn’t want to admit it, even Rodney had noticed the shrieking edge his voice had taken on toward the end of his little rant, but, when Sheppard winced slightly, he still found himself contemplating different methods of murder and body disposal.
The two men glared at each other, and there was nothing friendly about it.
Finally, Rodney gave in and asked, “Did you tell Ronon?”
“No.”
A long silence followed.
* * *
Rodney wasn’t talking anymore, and waiting for a reply was starting to seem rather futile. Sighing softly, John leaned back, getting comfortable as he watched Rodney go back to the business of assembling the communications device. As a child, John had put together countless puzzles, spending hours trying to find the right piece for the right spot. This looked like it was kind of like that.
When he was still very young, John had accidentally mixed up a few puzzle pieces, and for hours he had struggled to fit one particularly bright pink piece into an almost completely black and deep blue color scheme. It had taken him hours to realize that the close proximity of his night sky puzzle to his flamingo one might have been the cause of his problem. Judging by Rodney’s expression, that, too, was undeniably similar to this situation.
Abruptly, John reached for one of the small metal parts laid out in front of Rodney. It fit easily in his hands, hard and still cold against his palm even with the warming spring sun shining down in full force.
“Well, not telling Ronon just kills your whole heroic image,” Rodney muttered bitingly, abruptly restarting the conversation where they had left off. He moved, quickly snatching the piece out of John’s hands. After taking the time to glare at it like it held some sort of special answer, he carelessly dropped it back into his little pile of junk. It glinted brightly.
“No, it just proves that I have some self-preservation instincts,” John replied tightly. Without thinking, he snatched the object back.
Rodney glared at him and grabbed hold of John’s wrist, trying to wrestle the object from the other man’s grasp. John merely glared right back and tightened his grip. Rodney tried to pry it loose, picking at John’s clenched fingers, but the other man wasn’t letting go.
“Ah, so you’re afraid of your boyfriend?” Rodney taunted as he pulled at John’s hand.
“No, I’m afraid of my not-boyfriend.”
Abruptly, Rodney let go of John’s hand and looked away, obviously frustrated.
“But if he’s not your boyfriend, then what is he?”
“I don’t know,” John snapped. His fingers still tightly gripped the small piece of metal, and he unconsciously tapped his index finger against its smooth surface. “But would you really want to call Ronon someone’s boyfriend?”
“Yeah, I guess it doesn’t really fit him. He’s too scary to be a boyfriend,” Rodney admitted thoughtfully.
John stared down at his hand without bothering to come up with a response. After a moment, he raised his hand up to his eyes, looking at the object clenched in his fingers for one last time. It seemed to suddenly become silly and superficial, and John dropped it back in front of Rodney without saying a word.
His hand felt strangely empty without it.
“So, you’re not going to tell him?” Rodney finally asked. His eyes strayed to the object, but he remained strangely silent about it.
“No.”
“But-”
“He doesn’t need to know. It’ll just hurt or confuse him, and, well, he might kill me,” John pointed out.
Rodney stared. His lips turned down, forcing his mouth into a tight, angry frown that made John feel strangely sick. Without thinking, he looked away.
“Fine. It’s your choice,” Rodney said stiffly.
John nodded without glancing back at the other man and concentrated instead on trying to control his growing headache. It was hard to think with the dull, throbbing pain running constantly in the background of his head, but there was just too much to keep track. Deep in the forest, John thought he could hear the soft sound of crunching leaves. He tried not to frown too deeply, but he was still afraid that Rodney might have noticed. Obviously, this wasn’t the time to let a simple headache distract him, especially when everything around them was unfamiliar and potentially dangerous.
A quick look at the surrounding area convinced him that they were probably alone, but John still thought he heard faint noises in the heavily wooded area. Little rustles and cracks set his nerves on edge, and he gritted his teeth together as he glanced around again. Yet, strangely enough, he wasn’t too afraid of the planet’s natives coming after them; instead, he worried about Ronon hiding in the dense underbrush and listening. It was a foolish worry.
It also wasn’t going away.
“You know you’re just angry with him because-” Rodney began to speak.
“Because I’m mad at myself. I know,” interrupted John.
“Not exactly what I was going to say, but okay. I was really leaning towards you being angry for the simple fact that your boyfriend is quite frankly just a rather infuriating sort of person. I mean, don’t you get sick of the strong, invincible act?” Rodney paused, thinking. “Well, I guess you do. I mean, you had sex with me.”
John sighed, slumping forward and staring at the tiny, trampled blades of grass that were half-trapped under his shoes and probably struggling to survive. Strangely enough, he almost empathized with them.
“Just...just get back to work, McKay,” he muttered unhappily.
* * *
It was almost done, nearly perfectly complete, and Rodney wasn’t sure if there was anything more wonderful than that. He wanted off this planet and out of this miserable forest, wanted to go back to his room and try to sort out his thoughts, wanted to eat something, wanted to sleep, and basically just wanted to get away from Sheppard.
Quickly, he tightened a few wires on the communications device and placed it down in front of him. It still looked haphazardly thrown together, but its unappealing appearance wouldn’t stop it from getting a signal out to Lorne’s team back at the jumper. Then they wouldn’t have to even worry about getting past the villagers’ barricade at the Stargate, since Rodney was pretty sure most sane people wouldn’t stand around when large objects were hurtling through the air in their direction. Maybe they could finally get home. Maybe.
“Done,” he announced.
Sheppard nodded slowly, but he didn’t look over at Rodney when he spoke.“We have to wait for Teyla and Ronon.”
“I still don’t understand why we parked the jumper so far away in the first place,” Rodney muttered grumpily.
“I already told you, the village was too near the gate. We didn’t want them to just come across it by accident or something. They could run into it or something,” explained Sheppard, finally looking up. After glancing at the communications device for several seconds, he reached over and picked it up. His eyes were thoughtful as he turned it over in his hands.
“Still...it could have been closer. I mean, now we have to tell Elizabeth that we went missing for 12 hours because we forgot where we parked the car,” Rodney snapped. His hands itched to snatch the device back, but he carefully forced them to rest against his legs.
“I didn’t forget. Being chased by people with pitchforks just screwed up my sense of direction,” Sheppard protested. As he spoke, he started to toss the device from hand to hand in quick, easy movements, and, though Rodney winced each time it left Sheppard’s hand, he didn’t protest.
“Sure, whatever. I still can’t believe Ronon couldn’t find it. Guess his tracking skills aren’t as good as he thinks,” Rodney added derisively as his eyes continued to follow the device’s back-and-forth movement.
“Lorne moved the jumper,” Ronon announced, suddenly appearing behind the two men.
Rodney almost screamed in surprise, but, since he knew just how ridiculous his screams could sound, he managed to stifle the sound into something that was at least sort of similar to a dignified squeak. Ronon still gave him a funny look, but that was better than a full-out laugh. Rodney was willing to settle for that at this point.
Abruptly, he stilled, and, wincing in anticipation, turned to look at Sheppard’s hands...and the communications device. It remained miraculously unharmed in the other man’s hands, and, as Rodney stared in shock, Sheppard merely shook his head in amusement and tossed the device back-and-forth a few more times.
They could still get back to the jumper, which...Lorne had moved?
“What?!” Rodney asked, frowning in confusion as his mind finally processed Ronon’s announcement.
“He moved it when the villagers got too close,” Ronon explained.
Sheppard slowly set the communications device down in front of Rodney and leaned forward, completely focused on Ronon. Rodney wanted to think that was because of their conversation, but he knew it had nothing to do with personal problems. Right now, Sheppard was just centered on his work, nothing more.
“And how did you figure this out?” he asked curiously.
“I just asked Lorne. He’s in the village with Teyla.”
“The village?!” Sheppard asked sharply, frowning. As he spoke, Rodney picked up the device and cupped it in his hands, effectively hiding it from Sheppard’s sight.
“Yeah. The villagers say they just hate McKay,” Ronon replied calmly, apparently oblivious to Sheppard’s growing displeasure.
“Well, that’s ridiculous,” Rodney protested. As he spoke, he nervously glanced at Sheppard . The other man was just staring at them with a particularly unreadable expression, but it still left Rodney feeling vaguely nervous.
“I couldn’t believe it either,” Ronon stated with a completely straight face.
Rodney eyed him suspiciously but didn’t comment.
“I told you and Teyla to stay away from the village,” Sheppard quietly reminded Ronon. His lips were pressed together in a tight, angry line that leeched away any warmth that might have lingered in the rest of his face.
Ronon merely nodded.
Rodney cringed.
Sheppard just sighed and stood up. “Let’s go get the jumper then, okay?”
Without waiting for an answer, he stepped forward and began to walk towards the forest surrounding him. He didn’t seem to have any particular destination in mind, or, if he did, then he was going to be unpleasantly surprised if he kept going in that direction. Rodney was pretty sure that Ronon had come from the opposite direction, but he wasn’t going to be the one to try to tell Sheppard that bit of information.
Swallowing tightly, he quickly gathered up his things, shooting a nervous glance at Ronon as he did. The big man was just standing there, his whole body eerily still as he stared at Sheppard’s back with a painfully sad look in his eyes. After a moment, he walked forward, easily catching up to the other man.
“This way,” he muttered softly, his voice almost too quiet for Rodney to hear. His hand rose up, pointing in the opposite direction.
“Whatever,” Sheppard snapped impatiently.
Ronon just nodded again and moved ahead of Sheppard, slipping into the forest on silent feet. It should have been a normal enough moment, another day of letting Ronon lead the way through the wilderness they always seemed to get caught in, but it wasn’t. Rodney frowned and tried not to think too much about the defeated look he’d seen on Ronon’s face.
“Real smooth,” Rodney snapped quietly as he walked up to Sheppard.
“Just as smooth as you were last night,” the other man replied snidely.
“Oh, great, sex jokes, just what I needed to hear. And what does that even mean?”
Sheppard merely shrugged, and, when Rodney stared at him with accusing eyes, he didn’t even look away, just stared right back. And...it wasn’t worth it, Rodney decided. Sighing softly, he walked away from the other man, hurrying as much as he could until he was nearly beside Ronon with Sheppard just following along behind them.
For a moment, they walked in silence, but Rodney kept replaying the look he’d seen on Ronon’s face, a look he knew really couldn’t be anything but what he didn’t want to admit it was: knowledge. A sick feeling settled down in his stomach, the sort of feeling he always felt when he knew there was something he had to do that he really didn’t want to even think about.
This really wasn’t turning out to be a good day.
“You know, don’t you?” Rodney asked softly, casting a sidelong glance at Ronon.
The other man nodded.
“Why...why haven’t you said anything?” Rodney licked his lips nervously and tried not to notice how dry his mouth was. A heart-to-heart talk with Ronon had never sounded particularly appealing, but it was even less so now that Rodney had slept with the other man’s lover.
“I know what would happen if I did that,” Ronon said, and his voice was so perfectly blank that Rodney winced and looked away.
“It was just a one-night stand. That’s all,” he told the other man in a tone he thought was reassuring.
Ronon glanced at him out of the corner of his eye for a brief second and then looked back at the path before them. His face remained just as blank and unrevealing as his voice, but Rodney thought he knew better now. After all, he had seen how the other man had looked at Sheppard, and that look had been anything but okay.
“Sure,” Ronon replied noncommittally.
“So, that’s it? You’re just going to pretend nothing happened?”
“It’s the only thing I can do.”
Rodney faltered in his steps, falling behind and staring at Ronon with wide eyes. The other man didn’t stop or even slow his steps, and Rodney thought that he would have seemed fine to him a week ago. Today, Rodney knew better, but all he could do was stare after the man and wish for some sort of solution.
His feet suddenly felt like they were tied to the ground with impossibly heavy chains.
“What’s wrong?” Sheppard said as he caught up to Rodney.
“How could you do this to him? How could we do this?” Rodney asked. He didn’t even try to hide the bitter anger in his voice.
Sheppard sighed and grabbed hold of Rodney’s hand, tugging on him insistently until he unwillingly stumbled forward. A quick glare convinced the other man to let go of him, but Rodney didn’t stop again. In his hands, he abruptly noticed the cold, hard edges of the communications device. When he opened his hands to look, it was just an intolerable reminder of the way things stood between the three of them. He’d fixed the device, but nothing else had changed, nothing else had gotten better.
“It was a mistake,” Sheppard admitted. “And I don’t think I can forgive myself.”
“And I don’t think you should. I don’t think either of us deserves any sort of forgiveness,” Rodney added.
Sheppard just nodded. His eyes followed Ronon, never straying far from the other man, and Rodney thought he saw some of the same desperation in his eyes that he’d seen in Ronon’s. Yet, it wasn’t reassuring.
A/N: Comments, please? Sorry if this fic’s a bit odd.... It feels quite different from my other stuff in this fandom, but that was kind of the point. :D ETA: Am contemplating a second part. Opinions?