Apathy
Sometimes, I think about what I've done with my life, what I'm doing with my life, and I think "wow, if I died right now, there wouldn't be anything to say about my life at all." I participate in things, but I don't initiate. Given a decision, or asked for my opinion, my answer is often "I dunno"--even when I think I know what the correct decision should be or I actually do have an opinion on the subject.
I know a lot of things about myself. I have tried to accept a lot of things about myself, and I believe that is why I can be so accepting of others as well. Certainly, there are still my pet peeves when it comes to others, and certainly, there are some that just rub me the wrong way no matter what they do (not that they ever change what they do, so I'm making an assumption here).
What am I actually trying to say? I guess what I'm trying to say is that currently, I feel mired in a sense of apathy, a sense of "whatever," a sense of "meh." There are things I have opinions on. There are things and people I care about. But there seems to be this obstacle in my way, this glass ceiling that I can't surpass that prevents me from caring too much (or enough?) about any particular cause. The most I've managed to do is at least care deeply about the people around me, but even then I feel inadequate. I feel as though I am not doing all the "little things" that would make people feel special.
There's this desire within me, that wells up at times and longs for something that I can claim as mine. I want something to be passionate about, something to show the world that I am worthy of the life that I have been given. I want to break apart this apathetic shell and actually grasp something that will make me feel satisfied deep into the core of my soul.
I haven't yet. That shell is still there. What's stopping me?
I know a lot of things about myself. I have tried to accept a lot of things about myself, and I believe that is why I can be so accepting of others as well. Certainly, there are still my pet peeves when it comes to others, and certainly, there are some that just rub me the wrong way no matter what they do (not that they ever change what they do, so I'm making an assumption here).
What am I actually trying to say? I guess what I'm trying to say is that currently, I feel mired in a sense of apathy, a sense of "whatever," a sense of "meh." There are things I have opinions on. There are things and people I care about. But there seems to be this obstacle in my way, this glass ceiling that I can't surpass that prevents me from caring too much (or enough?) about any particular cause. The most I've managed to do is at least care deeply about the people around me, but even then I feel inadequate. I feel as though I am not doing all the "little things" that would make people feel special.
There's this desire within me, that wells up at times and longs for something that I can claim as mine. I want something to be passionate about, something to show the world that I am worthy of the life that I have been given. I want to break apart this apathetic shell and actually grasp something that will make me feel satisfied deep into the core of my soul.
I haven't yet. That shell is still there. What's stopping me?