Stress
I am so stressed right now I can't see straight. There does not seem to be a part of my life that doesn't involve lots of stress right now. I feel like I can't breathe.
There are insane things happening at work... stupid changes, problems with the merger and subsequent systems rollover...Boss decided yesterday to leave for a week with no notice (I do a good chunk of her job while she is gone... thanks for letting me know that I will be doing My job, your job -and- my co-worker's job while she is in training this week, I really appreciate the lengthy notice of sending me an e-mail from your crackberry on your way home...)There is training comming up that I am not sure I should take as it will be a. further stress for me b. cost them money and c. probably not do either of us any good in the long run as I am moving soon... I know I should just give up caring a little on some of the work issues, but I just can't... and I guess that is probably part of the reason they put me in this postision in the first place... I actually care enough to get shit done... (and have the brain power to do it... gah.) They are not making it -worth- caring anymore, so why do I?
The girls at work are pushing -all- my buttons this week. Monday it was Homosexuals again and how they should be killed or steralized... yesterday it was trust issues with your spouse and how I was stupid for trusting my husband to not fool around (gods if only they knew our arrangement!) Today it is how those greedy artists charge too much to put on a show like Phantom of the Opera at Popejoy.... I started to argue that for -that- show $75 for a front row seat is CHEAP! But it was soon apparent (as if it had not been already?) that they have no culture and turning on the TV for free has spoiled them to what it really costs to make good art.
We are moving. When? Soon. Date? Don't know. Things are up in the air so much right now... I can't even put in my resignation at work because I don't have a date yet.I have this stupid training that I feel I really shouldn't waste time on... I am getting ready to move to a state that I have not really even been to... I wish that my boss were here so I could discuss the option of not training me and letting me use some of next week and my Sick/Personal time to go visit MO and make sure I can stand it... but I don't know if that is possible from our end...
We have an appointment this Saturday to put the house on the market, I have so much surface cleaning and packing to do that it is overwhelming. I can't focus long enough to get one task acomplished because every time I turn around I see something else I need to do, and that results in -nothing- getting done. I finally sat myself on the floor so I could not stray from my task long enough to de clutter a drawer that really needed it, but since that was not a surface task it turned out to be the wrong thing to do. If I stay standing amd mobile I get distracted and run in circles and get nothing done. I need a third option.
I can't belive I still have so much crap to get rid of... didn't I do this just about a year ago? I -know- for a fact that I got rid of over half of the stuff I owned at that time... how the heck did it pile up again...or does it just look bigger because it is more spread out? I know I am attatched to stupid junk that means nothing, has little or no value, and needs to go... I should be able to give myself permission to throw it away... but I need external permission most of the time... I get the feeling in the pit of my stomach like the time my mom came home and found my Aunt and I had cleaned the bathroom... she got really pissed and made us go in the dumpster and retrieve a 32oz plastic cup that was just packed with old useless toothbrushes.... If I don't have permission it is not going to be okay... someone is going to yell at me and I will have to fix it... It is rediculous I know, but then there we are. I just have to keep telling myself that it is okay to throw things away and that I am no longer stuck in a situation where keeping shampoo packets out of the mail is the only way I will have shampoo.
I am trying so hard to be okay right now... I am afraid if I break down it will freak admiral_jc out and he will be upset at me. Which again is silly... he can't help me if he doesn't know that I am having a problem... I don't want to add to his stress though, I can see that he is having his own hard time with all of this. I can't rely on the Xanax b/c if I take too much in a day I am so sleepy in the evening that I can't get stuff done, and that is not going to be acceptable. My Stomach is pissed at me for being stressed and is demanding that I put little bits in it every 2 hours or so... that is not good while at work b/c the only things here are junk food. I put some water under my desk, but it got stolen. so I now have to keep things locked up... this makes me not want to bring in apples or anything... I am afraid I would forget them in my drawer. Ick. I didn't used to worry about co workers stealing my apples, but things have changed around here so much in the last month that I don't know what to think anymore.
I need a break, and I can't even get that while I am sleeping... I have tried to guide my dreams and go to a restful happy place... but I end up having to walk from that nice meaddow to take a dirty bus in to a strange town to audition for graduate school... find out that my transcripsts from 6th grade were never recieved and that I have to repeat that grade in order to apply... I am older than the teacher and she likes to leave the class alone with me and they all hate me and throw things at me.... Apparently there is no rest for the wicked.
Can someone teach me how to suspend time long enough to breathe?
There are insane things happening at work... stupid changes, problems with the merger and subsequent systems rollover...Boss decided yesterday to leave for a week with no notice (I do a good chunk of her job while she is gone... thanks for letting me know that I will be doing My job, your job -and- my co-worker's job while she is in training this week, I really appreciate the lengthy notice of sending me an e-mail from your crackberry on your way home...)There is training comming up that I am not sure I should take as it will be a. further stress for me b. cost them money and c. probably not do either of us any good in the long run as I am moving soon... I know I should just give up caring a little on some of the work issues, but I just can't... and I guess that is probably part of the reason they put me in this postision in the first place... I actually care enough to get shit done... (and have the brain power to do it... gah.) They are not making it -worth- caring anymore, so why do I?
The girls at work are pushing -all- my buttons this week. Monday it was Homosexuals again and how they should be killed or steralized... yesterday it was trust issues with your spouse and how I was stupid for trusting my husband to not fool around (gods if only they knew our arrangement!) Today it is how those greedy artists charge too much to put on a show like Phantom of the Opera at Popejoy.... I started to argue that for -that- show $75 for a front row seat is CHEAP! But it was soon apparent (as if it had not been already?) that they have no culture and turning on the TV for free has spoiled them to what it really costs to make good art.
We are moving. When? Soon. Date? Don't know. Things are up in the air so much right now... I can't even put in my resignation at work because I don't have a date yet.I have this stupid training that I feel I really shouldn't waste time on... I am getting ready to move to a state that I have not really even been to... I wish that my boss were here so I could discuss the option of not training me and letting me use some of next week and my Sick/Personal time to go visit MO and make sure I can stand it... but I don't know if that is possible from our end...
We have an appointment this Saturday to put the house on the market, I have so much surface cleaning and packing to do that it is overwhelming. I can't focus long enough to get one task acomplished because every time I turn around I see something else I need to do, and that results in -nothing- getting done. I finally sat myself on the floor so I could not stray from my task long enough to de clutter a drawer that really needed it, but since that was not a surface task it turned out to be the wrong thing to do. If I stay standing amd mobile I get distracted and run in circles and get nothing done. I need a third option.
I can't belive I still have so much crap to get rid of... didn't I do this just about a year ago? I -know- for a fact that I got rid of over half of the stuff I owned at that time... how the heck did it pile up again...or does it just look bigger because it is more spread out? I know I am attatched to stupid junk that means nothing, has little or no value, and needs to go... I should be able to give myself permission to throw it away... but I need external permission most of the time... I get the feeling in the pit of my stomach like the time my mom came home and found my Aunt and I had cleaned the bathroom... she got really pissed and made us go in the dumpster and retrieve a 32oz plastic cup that was just packed with old useless toothbrushes.... If I don't have permission it is not going to be okay... someone is going to yell at me and I will have to fix it... It is rediculous I know, but then there we are. I just have to keep telling myself that it is okay to throw things away and that I am no longer stuck in a situation where keeping shampoo packets out of the mail is the only way I will have shampoo.
I am trying so hard to be okay right now... I am afraid if I break down it will freak admiral_jc out and he will be upset at me. Which again is silly... he can't help me if he doesn't know that I am having a problem... I don't want to add to his stress though, I can see that he is having his own hard time with all of this. I can't rely on the Xanax b/c if I take too much in a day I am so sleepy in the evening that I can't get stuff done, and that is not going to be acceptable. My Stomach is pissed at me for being stressed and is demanding that I put little bits in it every 2 hours or so... that is not good while at work b/c the only things here are junk food. I put some water under my desk, but it got stolen. so I now have to keep things locked up... this makes me not want to bring in apples or anything... I am afraid I would forget them in my drawer. Ick. I didn't used to worry about co workers stealing my apples, but things have changed around here so much in the last month that I don't know what to think anymore.
I need a break, and I can't even get that while I am sleeping... I have tried to guide my dreams and go to a restful happy place... but I end up having to walk from that nice meaddow to take a dirty bus in to a strange town to audition for graduate school... find out that my transcripsts from 6th grade were never recieved and that I have to repeat that grade in order to apply... I am older than the teacher and she likes to leave the class alone with me and they all hate me and throw things at me.... Apparently there is no rest for the wicked.
Can someone teach me how to suspend time long enough to breathe?